America?

“The financial services industry, it’s heads they win, tails the public loses” charges Rep. Jackie Speier (D-Calif.) in a heated exchange during today’s hearings of the Subcommittee on Capital Markets, Insurance, and Government Sponsored Enterprises. On the other end of Speier’s accusations were Raymond W. McDaniel, Jr. of Moody’s, Stephen Joynt of Fitch, and Standard and Poor’s Deven Sharma. As the three largest credit rating agencies in the country, their AAA AND AA RATINGS OF AIG and Lehman Brothers through the middle of September, was under question from the House Subcommittee.

McDaniel defended the analysts ratings saying that after the Bear Sterns (the fifth largest firm) bailout the analysts assumed the government would support both institutions, and therefore the firms fate was sound. AIG is now on it’s fourth multi-billion-dollar bailout, and Lehman Brothers declared bankruptcy.

Speier pushed on “You had rated AIG and Lehman Brothers as AAA, AA minutes before they were collapsing. After they did fail, did you take any action against those analysts who had rated them? Did you fire them? Did you suspend them? Did you take any actions against those who had put that kind of a remarkable grade on products that were junk?”

The answer was unanimous: nothing. All three executives from the three largest credit ratings agencies admitted no disciplinary actions were taken against any of the analysts who issued the now admitted inflated rates.

Jay Flats

People always tell me ”you have the craziest jobs”. So while I was a stilt-walker in a tuxedo on a Juicy  Couture Fashion shoot( FALL (2009).” A contortionist asked me why do you wear the ’live strong’ yellow band?” My response was I support the cause and I had the chance to work with Lance on a series of commercials on the Discovery Channel called ‘Race to Replace’ The premise of these commercials was a bike race across the country from Los Angeles to D.C. The winner was named the new captain of the Discovery Race team. In these promos all kinds of Discovery Channel characters were involved. I got the chance to meet Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter before he was taken out by a stingray. We all knew he was not going to from old age in his Australian home. Also I met the guys from Mythbusters and dr. Drew Pinski from Celebrity rehab and Lovelines.
 
My role in this crazy event, I was the grizzly Bear riding a bicycle. You read the words right.
 
My mom’s initial response was “I won’t be able to see your face. How will I know it’s you?” Oh Ginger…
 
This was my first gig where I had my own trailer. It didn’t have my name, it said ’bear’ on the door.
 
The audition process was a riot. Imagine a casting office lobby filled with circus performers, magicians and an unusual array of crazy characters representing the wide variety of Discovery Channel programs. Here is where  the ‘Only in L.A.’ moment comes into play.
 
Out of nowhere I hear a casting director yell “ Are you fucking kidding me? How  hard can it be to find non-union mimes?” I really enjoyed the way the lobby was instantly silenced. Then once we all realized how ridiculous she was laughter spread quickly.
 
So I walk into the audition room. with two other actors with ‘costume character experience’. Now inside this room is where I had my own ‘Darwinism’ moment. (Survival of the fittest)
 
The other two guys got the question wrong asked by the casting director. “Have you ever ridden a bike in a bear suit before?” They both stated they had not but would like to try it. Wrong answer. They asked me the same question. Have you ever ridden a bike in a bear suit? My Academy Award  winning answer…”Oh yeah”. Nailed it! I wanna thank the academy!
 
So the day of the shoot arrives and know one knew my name. The crew would just randomly yell out. “ACTION BEAR” or “we need the bear in 5”.
 
It was raining the first day and the back roads in Calabasas were not safe enough for all the bike riders. So the writers had to be creative. The first spot we shot was inside the food trailer.
 
Lance Armstrong is sitting and eating lunch with the Russian Cycle Team and ask one of them if they think they can win. The rider responds with “Does a bear shit in the woods” in Russian. The camera then pans toi the window where you see a porta-potty in the rain. Inside that ‘Andy Gump’ is me in the grizzly Bear suit listening to a walkie-talkie waiting for the director to yell ”Action Bear”

When I exited and looked around to see if anyone noticed my location and walked away the director said over the radio “fuckin hilarious”.
 
Day 2: After The Rains Fell
 
The sky cleared but the ground was muddy and two crew guys had to wrap my bear feet in black garbage bags. (see pic)
 
Next thing I know I am being put onto a processing trailer which has stationary bikes and the camera will be at an angle to make it appear like we are riding on the road. I get on first followed by Mike Rowe from ”Dirty Jobs” and one of my favorite show of all time ‘deadliest Catch”. 2200 miles southeast of Dutch harbor jay Flats is in a bear suit coming up on string of pots!
 
Then Lance gets on and it’s time to work. I am inside the suit for 45 mins before Mike Rowe dumps fake pig poo on himself to gain an advantage in the race. Then we finally take a break and “you can take off your head bear” is yelled out.
 
I reveal my head and an ’oooooh’ comes from the crew as they see the amount of sweat dripping from my head.
 
I am now face to face with the 7 time Tour de France Champion. I am a little overwhelmed and I blurt out “wow it’s an honor to be riding with you Lance”
 
Lance quickly responds wit “no, it’s an honor to be riding with you bear”
 
Mike Rowe laughs at us and humility instantly kicks in as I smell the liquor on Lance’s breath. He must have been out partying with McConaghy the night before.
 
So if you ever see me sporting the yellow ’Livestrong band’ feel free to yell out “Action Bear!”
 

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Do We Need Them?

I’m not quite sure what to contribute to a website about comedy.  I’ve only been doing it for less then two years now and all I can say is that there is very little advice to give or receive, although the best advice for anyone is to learn to live in the moment.  This far in, I’m gaining a better understanding of writing good jokes of waiting for the laughs and listening to crowds to discover what works, what doesn’t work, and how to redact something to manipulate the crowd reaction that you want, but a lot of that is generated solely by trying something out on a crowd which is why honestly, I find open mics to be minefields of treachery. 

I recall the first time I played an open mic (my dumbass managed to get booked into shows before trying jokes out on people who didn’t have to pay), I had to wait almost three hours before I got up and my impatience in turn got me drunk so when I hit the stage, anger just poured out of me and I just went off about the “real” purpose of standup or some bullshit of the same vein.  I just let loose the most ridiculous expletive remarks trying to relate standup to the meaning of life, and then when I got off stage, the host tried to jab with me about my behavior and I shanked him with a rude retort.  Not my proudest moment, but an example of what I mean. 

Open mics produce nothing but horrible experiences, at least for me.  Unless I get up within the first ten or even fifteen people, I along with many other comics in the crowd begin to lose interest.  Then I second-guess myself regarding the brilliant bit I wrote about restaurants serving tap water, mainly because it’s not a dick joke and I wanted to challenge myself.  Half way through the marathon of mortem, I consider leaving.  I go to the bathroom even though I don’t need to use it, look at the front door and then valiantly make my way back to my seat.  I sit and listen, then I sit and listen some more, as I realize about four or five people in a row never signed up for the show and are just friends with the producer so he bumps them ahead of everyone else who raced to fucking Westwood after a ten hour work day.  Now I’m not even sure I’m writing anything new:  I think a lot of this is what I ranted verbatim about open mics at the open mic.  Perhaps I’m just a poor sport.  I didn’t have a lot of confidence in untested material and really, why the hell would I want to try shit out in front of peers?  I know using untested material is never a good idea when people pay good money, but I don’t want to suck in front of other comics.  That forever seals within them that I suck.  I need a crowd of strangers, who know squat about comedy, not my contemporaries who know enough to tell that I suck not because of the material, but mainly because of my obvious rookie demeanor. 

Perhaps that is a bit callous when discussing something as communal as comedy.  Friends go on the road with each other.  Friends book each other for gigs.  Comedy is made up of the best people on the planet and of course I want them as friends, but in order to gain that, I think I need to figure out another way to earn their respect, no?

Road to Recovery

Special inspector general Neil Barofsky was interviewed by The Huffington Post Investigation Funds Christine Spolar and was both blunt and terrifying.  Barofsky, who has been charged with tracking the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) financial bialout, made some staggering claims.  

According to Barofsky, one of the primary purposes of the bailout is being completely ignored by the financial institutes that have received billions of dollars.  Increasing lending for average Americans was one of the pivitol arguments that sold Tarp to the American people.  So if the lending institutions aren’t using the money to increase lending to consumers in order to stimulate the economy, what are they doing with the money? According to Barofsky “acquiring assets, paying off their debts, and sitting on the capital.”  So the money that was supposed to trickle down to hard working Americans is sitting in accounts earning interest for these companies.  

If that isn’t enough to raise the blood pressure of every red-blooded American, the financial sector’s greed has failed to make our financial system more secure.  In fact as Barofsky puts it “I think we may be in a far more dangerous place today than we were a year ago.”