But I'm Slash...

So every now and then I come across some rock legends living in Living In Los Angeles whether its at my corner store, work or even at my local watering hole..

A few years ago I was working for The Late Late Show Craig Kilborn as an audience coordinator. I decided who got in, who sat where and it was my job to put the hot girls in “babe” row!

This random Wednesday evening we had a special guest from the band ’GUNS N ROSES” the iconic guitarist “SLASH”. I was done filling the audience and headed to the green room to grab my VIP guests. In the hall there he is..”SLASH” Top Hat and all!

Now I see he is smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking Budweiser from a can outside his dressing room. A Security guard is notified about his smoking and  he tells Slash, “you can’t smoke in the CBS building”.

Now with probably the coolest response I’ve ever heard in my life, Slash just takes a slow drag from his butt and says, “but I’m Slash”.

I almost lost it. The security guard just kinda shrugged and said, “OK”, and then walked away. I wish upon a star that some day I’ll be doing something illegal and I can just turn my head and say, “but I’m Flats”.

About eight years ago, I came out to Los Angeles with a big dream of becoming a comedian. I had just started performing comedy about six months before moving to LA so I was pretty much, as you can guess, a newbie. In fact, I was such a newbie that I wasn’t even considered GREEN, I was INVISIBLE!

Shortly after my move, I immediately started making my rounds at all the major comedy clubs like the Improv, the Comedy Store, the Laugh Factory and so forth. I even worked the small venues and the bars with the make shift stages and even the places with no stage at all. I found that each comedy club came with their own rules, their own audience, and their own clicks but I always had two goals in my mind – To win laughs and to become a regular.

I met all sorts of funny individuals in that process, from the experienced comedians to the wannabes like myself. It was cool meeting the celebrities in the beginning, but then I quickly realize that they were just like me. The only difference is that someone gave them a chance, but guess what? I was the one on deck. So what could I do?

I decided to approach those that were further along in their careers than I was. I’ve always had lots of questions and I’m confident, but not enough to just start asking away at things. Fortunately, I was able to develop smart relationships with individuals that were working and continued to get more and more opportunities. All the while hoping that a little, no, a lot of their success would rub off on me.

Then, instead of waiting, I decided to take a chance. I asked the one question most commonly asked by comedians, and that is…“How long does it take before you make it to the next level?” The most common response I received was “EIGHT YEARS!”

So, it takes more years to become a comedian that it does to become a doctor. You know what? Maybe it should!

Join The Club

Most people who do stand-up comedy would rather be called anything than a hack.  It’s like the N-word.  If someone says it, it better be a term of endearment or there is going to be a fight.  The term hack comes from the word hackneyed, meaning lacking of freshness or originality; much like using a dictionary definition to begin a column.  Being labeled a hack is such a kiss of death in stand-up comedy that it has become the subject of many a “how to.”  Books have been written about it.  Comedy bloggers have addressed it.  There are even “Hack Lists” out there.  Google it and you’ll see what I mean.  You’ll find page after page of comedy premises deemed unworthy because of the frequency they’ve been used in the past and present.  Any new comic in search of a soul sucking excuse to quit doing stand-up comedy need look no further than the world wide web.  There, a newbie comedian will invariably find one or two, if not all, of his / her premises on the dreaded hack list.  So I thought I’d weigh in on the subject and to these party poopers of the punch line, I have three words, Louis fuckin’ C.K.  I guess that’s two words and two initials.

Louis C.K. is arguably one of the best stand-up comedians working today.  Men want to be him.  Women want to be with him.  Well, okay, men want to be him.  He consistently delivers fresh, thought provoking, hilarious comedy.  On an interview recently with Conan O’Brien, Louis did the unthinkable.  He violated every hack list out there by going into material about…..brace yourself…..air travel!  Yep, the number one taboo premise of all pompous douche bag comedy authorities.  I won’t do the bit justice by repeating it so YouTube it if you haven’t seen it.  Believe me, it is funny.  So how can this be?  How could such a seasoned pro talk about the hackiest of subjects?  Simple, air travel is not hacky.  In fact, none of the hacky premises on the hack lists are hacky.  The only thing that is hacky is, in fact, the hack list.

Here is why.  A joke only becomes hacky if you can see the punch line coming.  Premises have nothing to do with it.  You could start your joke with, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”  If the punch line is a surprise and funny, then it is not hack.  Check out the hack lists out there.  They all list the same things:  airlines suck, men and women are different, relationships are hard, black people do things this way, white people do things that way, observational comedy, etc, etc.  The authors of these hack lists write them without the slightest hint of irony.  It’s the literary equivalent of saying, “You know who I hate?  Negative people.”  Actually, that is kind of funny in a self-deprecating kind of way but you get the idea.

If you are reading this and you are one of these hack authorities, which you probably aren’t, I know what you are thinking.  “If you have an original spin on a hacky premise, I have no problem.  I just hate hearing the same joke over and over again.”  Well, my friend, welcome to stand-up comedy.  The greatest profession in the world will bring many applicants.  Most will not be skillful.  There is no way around that.  Give a shitty comedian a brilliant premise and the joke will still be shit.  The premise is not going to help.  Comedy is a lot like music.  Few can put it together but everybody knows the goods when they hear it….and there is much less groupie sex.  So as painful as it may be, we all have to sit through the Warrants ‘til we get to Nirvana but you still can’t deny them the notes. (Now THAT is hack)

To you new comics out there, keep writing, keep performing and don’t read hack lists.  To you comedy authorities out there, keep writing, keep publishing and don’t write hack lists.  After all, the reason most people get into stand-up comedy is to say what they want.  Tell me what not to talk about?  Hack, please.  Go Mariners!

Los Angeles Times

I went to my local grocery store with my reusable bag and rode my skateboard so I kept my carbon footprint to a minimal. But I had a strange run in with a homeless guy who has been in my neighborhood for a long time. This guy had been bothering the taxpayers and people who work hard for a living for at least 4 consecutive years.

I was sent into shock when he asked me for some change. I pressed pause on my i-pod and said sorry man. When he realized that I recognized him he smiled. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected the shiny new braces on his teeth.

I then asked him “how in the world did u get braces?” he said a dentist needed practice and gave him a free session.

Then I looked down on his feet were a brand new pair of NIKE JORDANS!

“Dude you have better shoes than I do!” he just grinned and started to walk away…

The final straw was when his cell phone went off in his pocket…

He had the nerve to turn away and say ‘Sorry I gotta take this”

WTF is going on in this country?

Props to the dentist for being a good soul but seriously…what the hell is going on?

So I went to the .99 store and bought a cup and poster board and found a good freeway on ramp!

Look for me in action…I have cavities people!

Sunny day, Los Angeles.

While riding along Fairfax I am sitting in between two old people on the 217 bus. Near the front of the bus the seats are reserved for handicapped and the elderly. Most people abide by these rules and head to the back of the bus in order to give their seat to someone who really needs it. On this day as we reach the corner of Fairfax and Beverly near CBS Television City several elderly folk attempt to board the bus. I give up my comfy seats between two older gentlemen for a sweet old grandmother.

I stand and hold the rope like contraption hanging from the horizontal bar above my head. I see that the seats reserved are already full of people as this little old lady from Pasadena (not sure where she was really from but you know the song) boards and only has enough room to stand right up front and hold the vertical pole near the driver. I can see from a distance she has several .99-cent store bags taking her attention away from the actual ride she is on. Then suddenly……………..someone cuts off the bus and the driver is forced to slam on the breaks and come to a screeching stop! The little old lady from Pasadena quickly loses her grip and goes flying forward towards the coin machine next to the driver. The force is so great with this one she actually leaves her feet and crashes like a WWF (I’m old School) wrestler into the turnbuckle.
The gasp for air overcomes the front of the bus as we are all subjected to viewing this scene without time to react. When the bus stops and everyone gathers themselves I leap forward to help this little old lady up. I was scared she was hurt severely. As I raise her to her feet she pulls her hair out of her face and looks me in the eye. I swear she says, ”Is this my stop?”

I almost shit my pants…