Airplane The Movie

Since this column began, I have been focusing on different aspects of stand-up comedy; crowds, performers, styles and beliefs.  Although it has been equal parts entertaining and challenging for me, I find myself being confined.  After all, how many different columns can be written about a profession that consists of nothing but a microphone and a voice?  I suppose I could do some pieces on other aspects of comedy not yet mentioned like relationships, internet promoting and laughs per minute.  I could do it and maybe I will in the future.  But for now, I am putting the stand-up portion of this column aside.  The gloves have been taken off.  The hands are wrapped and dipped in resin and broken glass.  The little Thai girl has been abducted and raped and the big fight with Tong Po in the shady basement of a fish cannery looms.  Wait, I think I digressed a little.  I’m not Jean Claude Van Damme.  I’m me and as the cut and pasted bio of me says, “nothing is sacred and everything is fair game.”  So let’s talk about some shit, shall we?
 
Last week the news reported that the pilots of a Northwest Airlines flight went radio silent for 78 minutes and overshot the airport in Minneapolis, Minnesota by about 150 miles.  Obviously, the incident caused no harm minus the passengers who, no doubt, had to pay a 150 mile overshot baggage fee upon arrival.  Still, the FAA suspended the two pilots as they launched a thorough investigation to get to the bottom of this horrific boo boo.  So far the only thing they have uncovered is that the pilots were not drunk, the in-flight recorder has 30 minutes of….something and the FAA has taken 5 days and counting to listen to it.  The FAA is outraged.  Northwest Airlines is outraged.  The people are outraged.  In fact, the only people who don’t seem to be outraged are the pilots.  So I thought I’d weigh in on this bullshit storm.
 
First it is important to realize that, at cruising altitude, a commercial jet travels about 7.5 miles per minute or about the same speed with which Paula Abdul’s relevance will plummet now that she is off American Idol.  Some quick math will reveal that the pilots missed the mark by about 20 minutes.  In airline time, missing a scheduled time by 20 minutes is generally considered early.  My verdict?  Admissible.
 
Secondly, people hold pilots to unrealistic standards of perfection.  Most people don’t realize that first year pilots only make about 28 – 50K per year.  About what your cable guy makes.  Try holding that mouth breather to those same standards next time you need to schedule an installation.  When he shows up 3 days late, he’ll just end up laughing at you and then stealing your girl’s panties.  If you fall in that salary range, ask yourself how much you give a shit about perfection in your job.  My verdict?  Admissible.
 
Third, how can the FAA seriously condemn pilots for missing the airport by 20 minutes and then take a week to tell us what is on a 30 minute recording?  Talk about the pot calling the kettle the n-word.  Something is not right here.  If it was just a matter of the pilots being negligent on the recording, why the delay?  If it was something else, why suspend the pilots?  If it is just some dick at the FAA taking his sweet time to do his job, which it is, why not put him in the news so we can all throw feces at him?  My verdict?  Assholes.
 
Finally why, after 78 minutes of radio silence between the plane and air traffic control, was there no YF-22 Raptor up there getting ready to blow that fucking plane out of the sky?  That should be the real investigation.  All this shit after 9/11 and this is the closest thing we get to a theoretical do-over and we drop the ball.  If terrorists had hijacked that plane, by the time the Air Force was notified, it would have been illegally parked inside the food court at the Mall of America.  I’m not saying shoot first, ask questions later, but if I’m on a plane that has dropped communication, terrorist or not, I want to see Maverick and Goose on my wing getting ready to do an inverted negative 4G dive to protect my patriotic ass.  The media has pasted the pictures of these pilots all over our screens.  Where are the dipshits at the FAA who should have installed a protocol here?  My verdict?  Un-fucking-believable.
 
I’ll leave you with one last thought.  Commercial airlines, although commercial, fall under the Federal Aviation Administration.  Basically, if the government doesn’t like the way they do business, they can come in and clean house.  Suspensions, terminations, shit even prosecutions.  The logic is that these pilots have many lives in their hands.  These guys overshot the airport by 20 minutes and they get suspended and a full investigation is launched.  In the past year, the Federal Government has spent billions of tax payer dollars to prop up commercial banks in this country.  The pilots of these banks, the executives, have millions of lives in their hands and these cocksuckers have not only missed the mark, they are doing barrel rolls and loop de loops using our fucking money as fuel and not one of them has been suspended.  No investigation.  They won’t even cap their salary.  What a bunch of bullshit.  I want off this fucking plane.  I’d rather walk.

Taurus

So last night  I’m at a Halloween party and I run into my least favorite kinda girl in Los Angeles. The girl who thinks she knows everything about astrology. I am not one to believe that the day you are born really has some merit or can dictate what kind of person you’re gonna be for the rest of your life. She was a friend of a friend and I was told she was recently single. I know why that is. Not a shocker.

I said something remotely funny about something irrelevant and she was within earshot to turn and give a fake giggle. “Oh my god, that’s soooooooo funny.’ she blurted out and followed with “what’s your sign?”

I attempted to just tell her “I’m a” then I was rudely interrupted with “wait, let me guess”

Here we F IN go.

“You’re a scorpio.” I shake my head no. “Leo?” no. “Aries?” no. “Well you’re not a Capricorn, right?? no. “Not a Libra, not a Libra?” no. “Virgo?” no. “No way you are a Cancer. no way.” no. “Sagittarius?” no.

After this 5 minute debacle I disrupt her idiotic rant. “I’m a Taurus!”

‘Oh my god, you’re suuuuuuuuuuch a Taurus!” She said with a confident smile. “But we’re not gonna get along cause you’re a Taurus!”

I replied with my sarcastic response “We’re not gonna get along, cause you’re an idiot”

She was not a fan of this and she attempted to throw her drink in my face. I was to quick, she totally missed and soaked the expensive drapes that were behind me.

She then stormed off and her ugly BFF followed her.

I said “Wait, where you going?” then turned to my buddy. ‘ F IN Geminis”

Bill Cosby Himself

Monday night Bill Cosby was the guest of honor and recipient of the prestigious Kennedy Center Mark Twain Award. Cosby was the focus of tributes from Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Dick Gregory, George Lopez, Sinbad, and many other admiring celebrities who have been fortunate enough to work with the legendary story-teller.

Hailed as a ground-breaker Cosby’s wholesome and hysterical stand-up comedy and subsequent television and movie career opened the door for a generation of comedians. The 90 minute event, which airs November 4th on PBS nation wide, was a combination of clips from Cosby’s career and personal tributes from the celebrity friends who have been inspired by the comic legend.

Bill Cosby is the quintessential story teller, with incredulous tales of everyday life that transport his audience into his brilliant mind. Known best for his unique mannerisms and range of voices that paint a vibrant picture of the tale he is spinning. Cosby went on to craft one of the most beloved sitcoms in television history. Premiering in an time when the entertainment industry was rarely shedding light on the lives of African American families, Cosby brought his vision of a successful professional couple facing the trials and tribulations of raising a family of five in a modern world. The country fell in love with Cosby and his show, and we’ve all been paying attention to this Humorist ever since.

The Mark Twain Award was established in 1998 and is considered one of the highest forms of recognition for a humorist, comedian, or writer. Mark Twain was an American Icon who captured the voice of a generation and the attention of a nation. Two things that can also be said of the great Bill Cosby.

David Cross

Wednesday night comedian David Cross performed at Washington D.C.’s Warner Theatre, and at the end of his routine he dropped a bombshell. Cross, who attended the White House Correspondence Dinner with his Hollywood starlet girlfriend Amber Tamblyn, boasted he snorted cocaine at that dinner while seated adjacent to Obama cabinet members, and by his accounts “super close to the president.”

It remains unclear weather the controversial comedian was still working his routine, or weather he actually pulled an illicit stunt on a dare from his friends. David Cross has made rose to prominence in the world of comedy by pushing the limits and exhibiting outlandish behavior for our collective benefit. His quirky character of Arrested Development, an underrated sitcom that has garnered critical acclaim, showcased the comedians dedication to pushing the boundaries of what is appropriate.

What is clear is that the nations leading political commentators are in an uproar about Cross’s apparent admission. Cross admitted that the act was “crazy and there’s security, Secret Service is standing there… I’m there and the president is right here with all these people at the table. Cross claims he has photographic evidence of him snorting cocaine “maybe 30 feet from the president of the United States.”

Either an insane act of defiance and rebellion, or a Machiavellian publicity stunt, Cross has succeeded in gaining the attention of the nation. Surely talk show hosts and comedians across the country will be using cross for fodder for material.

Ben Kronberg

I was nervous about interviewing Ben Kronberg, a touring road comic.  If any of you know Ben personally, you know how silly it sounds to ever be worried about a conversation with him but I have never interviewed another comic and it felt strange forcing a conversation for work.  We agreed to meet at the Improv before one of his shows, and as I walked up to Ben and his friends, I quickly said hello and introduced myself to those who I didn’t know to deflect any suspicions of predetermination.  And it worked:  Ben went along with the “just here to see Ben,” line I gave the group and I was saved from irrational anxiety.  Once the group cleared, Ben and I headed inside to grab a drink from Eddie at the bar and have a seat.  I made one obvious reporter move in that I used my iPhone to record our conversation but Ben was cool with it.  I think I spent most of the time bullshitting, thinking of topics off the top of my head and luckily Ben went along until we got to something pertinent:  a party he might miss.
            
“I might be missing out on the fuck of my lifetime, but I’ve already had the fuck of my lifetime.”
             
“What is the fuck of your lifetime?”
             
“Comedy.  I don’t want to fuck every night but I want to tell jokes every night.  I can’t wait to get done fucking so I can tell the girl I’m fucking the new ideas I have for jokes.”
             
Ben somehow linked his primal need for comedy to discuss his imminent move to New York from LA because he felt that New York offers a more consistent environment free from bringer shows and necessary parlay.
            
“Something about New York comedy, it’s sexier.  It’s not about what you’ve been on or what else you’re doing, but your act itself.”
             
He also revealed something startling and honest to which I could relate: 
             
“When I’m at the Improv, everyone is all ‘fuck Comedy Store,’ and when I’m at the Comedy Store, everyone is all ‘fuck Improv,’ and when I’m at UCB, everyone is all ‘fuck mainstream.’  It’s like I have to be friends with everyone yet loyal to no one.”
             
The LA comedy scene almost forces a distain for all other clubs except the one you’re performing at the moment.  As a newbie comedian sort of forcing myself into these shows as opposed to the other way around, sometimes I can feel the indoctrination from one venue to another.
             
Then Ben went into a piece of material he wanted to use, a funny line he wanted to represent with a variety of accents to give the line new meaning each time it was uttered.  I won’t ruin his joke by sharing it but we fired back and forth about how bits like these need review through friends because a joke needs to gestate, sometimes sort of flow through different minds and different lungs before it can grow from a “fetus into a small child, which we can then put to work in the factory, until someone says that’s not your baby, you stole that baby!” 

Even Ben has been accused of stealing a joke.  We all have, and the worst is when you can prove you wrote it first but it doesn’t matter because you told your joke in a club, and the A-List movie star used it on screen.
            
“I argue that it’s all circumstantial and it’s not the same.  This girl at a club came up to me and said one joke of mine that I’ve used since Denver, where I grew up.  It’s a very simple joke, clean joke, it’s the same as in this movie, and she said she was in the scene as an actress.  I’ve never seen the movie but what are the odds that someone in the scene recognized this joke I’ve been doing forever?  So that’s an executive decision that I have to make, is it going to matter if I say that joke at a college right now or on the road?  Do I feel like I’m doing something really bad because we just so happen to come up with the same joke?  I don’t care:  I gotta do my own hustle.  I do my own version of the moonwalk.”
             
Ben admitted to me the joke in question descends from a guilty pleasure of his:  word play.
             
“Sometimes I do word play jokes and I get groans or like ‘Ugh, pun!’  It’s like a fine line but sometimes that’s all I can think of because it’s my favorite thing.  I want to stick with it and I don’t want to let it go.”
             
As obvious and lame as it is, I asked my next question without a shred of transition.
             
“How did you put yourself into a position where you could do standup everyday?”
             
“I first started out thinking, ‘I want to do this every week,’ then I thought ‘I want to do this as much as I can during the week,’ then it went to ‘I want to do this everyday.’  My free time, my night time, that’s what I would do.  I started when I was 26 so going out was easy, being able to drink and go to shows helps.’”
             
We soon lost our direction, probably for the better.  Ben was going up in his show first and probably needed to focus on something that put his mind at ease.
             
“There’s this place in Denver called the Rio Grande, it’s an in-state franchise, they have a three margarita limit. There bar is only open until ten because their drinks are so strong that people would get DUIs or die if they finished their night there.  They have the best chips and salsa; the salsa is made fresh.  The chips are fresh made from corn tortilla.  It’s the best combo:  those margaritas with the chips and salsa are the best.”
             
Soon after, it was time for Ben to perform.  He was up in the late show that was booked by a Tonight Show standup booker.  Unfortunately, the show did not draw the raucous crowd that the early one did.  Sometimes, we all face crowds that just don’t want to laugh, but whose fault is it?  It’s not like this is a bringer, this a professional show booked by a professional promoter featuring professional comedians.  Whatever the case, the promoter was not happy with what he saw, and soon left just a few acts into the show.  Ben went first and performed admirably against the cold crowd, but we are all our own harshest judges.
             
“Well, I’m not going to be on the Tonight Show.”
             
I disagree.  If any of you get the pleasure of seeing Ben perform, you will too.  After the show, we left the club and walked to our cars to call it a night and I asked him the question I think I’ll ask everyone throughout my pursuit of funny.
             
“Do you think comedians should seek other means of vocation, like acting or writing, or should they concentrate on standup?”
             
“There are plenty of careers in standup.  Stick with it.  Even if you don’t perform forever, there are guys out there who are on salary, not per minute or per joke, but are on salary for big time touring comedians who are there for a support system.  There are plenty of opportunities in the standup world as long as you keep doing it.  There are other things other than standup to do to make money, and you can keep doing standup while you do them because they’re involved in this business.”
             
That’s all I needed to hear.