Rock Star

My ears are still ringing this morning.  My voice is raspy from screaming at the top of my lungs and my hangover throbs behind my eyes to the beat of Rearview Mirror and I love it.  Last night I had the privilege to witness the best rock n’ roll band in the whole wide world.  No, not Supersuckers.  Of course, I’m referring to Pearl motherfuckin’ Jam.  If you have not gotten a chance to see them live then you are doing yourself a great disservice.  They are the best.  Hands down.  End of story.  Disagree with me if you want to but know that if you do, you are simply retarded and not in the handicapped, low IQ, weird hair cut sense of the word.  You are retarded in the most derogatory way a human can be retarded…retarded by choice.  Okay, so why is a comedy columnist writing a column that reads like some sycophantic Rolling Stone article?    Two reasons.  First reason?  Read the third sentence of this column.  Second reason?  I think it is safe to say that most comedians have the delusional opinion that stand-up comedy parallels rock and roll.  Comedy only parallels rock if, by parallel, you mean it in the same way that John McCain parallels Usain Bolt.  Sure, they both ran for something but that’s about it.

The similarity between stand-up comedy and rock begins and ends with the fact that they both involve performing live in front of an audience.  After that, they kind of go their separate ways.  I suppose you could argue that they both are about personal expression, freedom and connectivity with the audience.  You could argue that but you’d sound like an overeducated, under-practiced douche who probably can’t play an instrument or make people laugh so we’ll just go ahead and say you did not argue it.

Many comedians would love to think of themselves as Rock Stars and can you really blame them?  Just look at the progression of the titles alone.  We refer to beginner musicians as musicians.  Once they get good enough to play in a band they get a specialized title (lead guitarist, drummer, lead singer, etc.). The moment anybody gives a shit about the band and pays to hear them play, they get the prestigious designation of, “Rock Star.”  A, B, C…1, 2, 3…MTV.  Pretty sweet, huh?  Now let’s look at comedy.  From the moment you set foot on stage you’re a comedian.  Then you start to get booked shows and you’re a comedian.  Then you quit your day job and become a full time…comedian.  Then you hit, people come out in droves to see your sold out tour and you get the moniker, comedian.  Then you make the number one television show of all time.  You bring in more money than you can count.  People all over the world know your name.  Even citizens of third world countries wear your merchandise and when it comes time for anybody to speak of you; they refer to you as…..a comedian.  Wow, I didn’t realize just how much that sucks until right now.  Where is the prestige in keeping the title you had when you were entry level?  I need to learn how to play guitar.

Another area rock has comedy beat is in the performance itself.  Have you ever gone to a concert full of excitement and anticipation to hear your favorite band play your favorite songs only to leave pissed off because all they did was play all new shit?  You’re trying to sing along and all you can end up mustering is the occasional, “Oooh yeah” and “Uh huh” like you’re belting out dialog from your favorite porno.  How much does that suck?  Once a rock band strikes gold with a crowd favorite, they get the luxury of always having that hit song to fall back on in concert and not only will the fans be okay with it, they actually want it.  Try that with comedy and see how far you get.  As far as jokes are concerned, once they get aired on TV, consider them shelved.  Even comics who do characters will not repeat the same bit once it is aired.  They may do the same voice but not the same bit.  I just wish more open mikers would realize this difference and write some new jokes.  I swear to God, one of the hardest things to do in stand-up comedy is to have to sit there and listen to Whatshername’s bit about how her overbearing mother is overbearing for the 53rd time.  Names aren’t necessary.  We all know her. She’s at every open mike and every bringer show in every city in the world. If comedians want to keep the fans coming to the shows, the material has got to be new.

It wouldn’t be much of a comparison if we didn’t examine another facet of live performance – groupies.  Really it is not much of a comparison.  Comedians have what are called, “Chuckle Fuckers.”  Sounds hot, right?  Actually it sounds more like some kind of fat fetish and that’s not entirely inaccurate.  Sure, some women find stand-up comedians sexually irresistible but they are about as common as midget hookers and often resemble them.  To be fair, I have seen sexy groupies hanging out with headlining comedians at some of the major clubs here in L.A. but as my Dad used to tell me every time I did something I thought he would be proud of, “Even a hawk can be an eagle amongst crows.”  Jessica Simpson dated Dane Cook until she found out that John Mayer wanted to fuck her.  Then she told Dane where he could go stick his sufis.  Think about it, do you really think Heidi Klum would be with Seal if he was a comic that had some really witty observational jokes about those acne scars on his face?  It must be noted that I am only referring to women when I talk about groupies.  This is because men can’t really be groupies.  By definition, groupies want to have sex with a performer because of the performance.  If a man wants to have sex with a performer it’s because he finds the performer hot.  It wouldn’t matter if s/he worked at Taco Bell.

So there you have it.  A brief but beautifully constructed comparison to demonstrate that rock and comedy are two completely different animals.  Don’t get this column twisted however.  I do not think rock is somehow better than comedy.  It is my not-in-the-least-bit-humble opinion that comedy kicks the shit out of rock and roll any day of the week.  Sure a comedian doesn’t share the same prestige as a Rock Star.  That’s okay, prestige is a bullshit concept perpetuated by the intellectually weak.  Prestige does not equal importance.  When you think about it, plumbers have the most important job in the world because without them, shit would just pile up and then where would we be?  Rock Stars can play their greatest hits in concert but how challenging is that?  Comedians have to constantly create so therefore they are, not only more creative, but better.  What’s more of a challenge, to get a room full of people drunk and stoned to bob their heads or to make them come out of that comfort zone and laugh out loud?  Rock Stars do get the groupies and although I can’t think of any right now, there has got to be some downsides to that; maybe herpes.    So what if comedians don’t get the pick of the litter when it comes to star fuckers?  That just means that the ones we do get are true fans and will remain loyal even if John Mayer is in town.  When you look at the relationships in show business, comedians seem to have the most stable ones.  There are many comics who are in 20, 30, shit 40 year marriages.  That says a lot.  Again, I’m not sure what, exactly, that is but it has to be a lot.  Comedians, stop thinking you are Rock Stars.  You are not.  What you are is more important than that.