SNL

Saturday Night Live was a big hit this weekend, hosted Joseph Gordon-Levitt with performances by the Dave Matthews Band. From start to finish the show was great and one of the best I’ve seen in a very long time. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was high energy from the start, falling on the ground and doing back flips, just to get a laugh in the opening monologue. They touched on just about everything from the news of the week to the family get together for the Thanksgiving holiday. If you get a chance, I recommend you catch the full episode. We’ve selected the show opener for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

Accessibility

As I was driving to work today, late of course, I got caught behind one of those cars you can only get caught behind when you’re really late. One of those situations that reaffirm that there is a God and he’s a prick and he doesn’t like you and he’s got a sense of humor and he’s probably a woman.
Sloooooooow as can be, this driver in front of me was going. Not because of traffic. Not because of bad weather. I live in Los Angeles for Christ’s sake. Our idea of bad weather is partly cloudy with a chance of wind. No, this car was driving at the speed of a special Olympic mile pace for no apparent reason. Then I noticed the handicap sticker on the plate.

Now here’s the thing. If you’ve somehow thrown out your back, twisted your ankle, got sand in your crack, whatever, and you have successfully scammed your HMO into writing you a doctor’s note to the DMV for a temporary handicap status, I understand. You’re just an asshole who is a shitty driver. But if you’re genuinely handicapped. You know, paralyzed from the waist down. Double amputee. Whats the problem man?
Why would you drive so Goddamn slow? What, are you scared of fucking yourself up? You don’t want to mess up that good thing? I say balls to the walls Christopher Reeves! It would probably be the only good thing that could come from becoming handicap. That and the cuts you get at Six Flags but thats a different blog. What a liberating thing it would be to be paralyzed from the chest down and still have the ability to operate your very own 3000 lbs. fun wagon. It would be like Grand Tourismo for real, man!

If you’re reading this and you’re handicapped with license, take heed, you’re missing a golden opportunity. Even if you get busted by the cops, what are they going to do? Beat you in the legs with their billy clubs for driving recklessly? Shit, conjure up some fake tears and punch yourself in the legs a couple times and the worst thing you’ll get is a warning. Even if you catch a beating, who cares? You can’t feel it anyway.
If you’re reading this and you are not handicapped. Lets help our brothers and sisters confined to their chairs. Race ‘em! Set them free! Show them the world you and I, with our working legs, can never know. True freedom to drive as crazy as you want with absolutely no inhibition. Freedom only a handicapped or possibly a drunk could know.

It is your duty as an American.

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Sarah Palin

Here goes the friggin’ neighborhood. Sarah Palin is back in the news promoting her new book, “Going Rogue.” A book about Sarah Palin’s life and career in politics. Already a top the Best Seller list, “Going Rogue” is sure to ruffle some feathers in both parties. I have to tell you, I was trying to avoid writing something about this new book. I said to myself, stop giving her all the press. AND, then I stumbled upon this picture and ALL WAS FORGIVEN.

Everyone always has something to say about Sarah Palin with her ability to be so polarizing, as well as personally separating the country into 2 specific groups. Those that love her and those that really really…really dislike her. I will say this, I do not like her personality, but I do like her face. It’s pretty, and that’s about it.

Now, the one positive thing I can say about Sarah Palin is, her face inspires others to be creative. Take the picture above as an example. The photoshopping of her face onto a body with big boobies took an individual more time than it took for her to quit her job as governor. Put that into perspective.

Apocalipsis Sexual

People are obsessed with the end of the world. Since the days early man drew pictures on the walls of caves, he has contemplated the end of times; when life, as we know it, shall cease to exist. From the prophecies of Nostradamus to the interpretation of the Mayan Calendar to the Jesus freak that stands on the corner of Highland and Hollywood Boulevard, the idea of the end of civilization has been and will always be a macabre tale. A story of society collapsed; disease and famine; droughts and war. Basically speaking, it will be a lot like Albuquerque. At least that is what the Doomsdayers would want you to believe. I, however, have a different take on the matter. I think it might actually be kind of sweet.

Okay, so here is the scenario. The global economy is going to collapse. Governments will resort to Marshall Law in a futile attempt to quell the rising contempt of their citizens. Basic human needs like food and water will, once again, become the sole purpose of existence. Local governments will fail and cities and towns all over the world will be reduced to nothing more than a collection of scavenging outlanders trying to survive. No more cable TV.

Is the picture painted in your head yet? Do you have it? Do you see yourself walking wearily down the road in a Metropolis ghost town? Your face wrapped in thick scarves and your eyes hidden behind ski goggles because, for some reason, after the world ends it gets very windy and dusty. Now add this to your imagery. As you walk down the empty street, you see something ahead of you; a beacon in the middle of this dirty Hell. It is a Sears. In it, you find a bonanza of technology. Generators, gardening hardware, sewing supplies, computers and mp3 players. Playstations 3’s! Books! Really awesome books that teach you how to build shit, fix shit and fix shit that builds. You help yourself to this smorgasbord of independent living. You move all of your new possessions to the mansion that you inherited because, after all, do you really think you’ll be living in an apartment after the world ends? The area you live in, once called a neighborhood, is more of a tribe now. Where like minded individuals can communally live and thrive. Each day brings a new find and each night brings whatever the fuck you want it to. Apocalypse turned into Heaven on Earth.

People wrongly make the assumption that when the world ends, we will all be cast thousands of years into the past. No matter what or who pulls the trigger; God, war, economic depression, the environment, swine flu, Oprah; when the dust settles all the technology remains. Need power? Head on down to the solar power store and loot you some panels. Better yet, go on down to a Barnes & Noble and get a book on how to make it. Need fuel? There are more ways to make a combustible engine than gasoline. Read about it. The world would, literally, be your oyster. And tribal living would be the best part.

There would be tribes all over the place. They would be like iphone applications. Are you a douche bag who has tribal tattoos and Ed Hardy shirts? There’s a tribe for that. Still religious after God abandoned you on Earth? There’s a tribe for that too. Hippie tribes, Amazonian Women tribes, Gay tribes and Straight tribes. I’m sure you may even find a real Indian tribe.

Imagine how much more efficient a tribal government would operate. First off, you get to make the rules. Most of the political problems society has stems from the sheer number of people living in it. If you don’t like the way your tribe is operating, just fucking leave. You don’t need no stinking Visa.

You ask, “What about war?” I say, “What about it?” Yes, I’m sure tribes will still be warring. It is what we, as a species, do. Man loves to conquer shit. There really is no way around it. To this I say, “so what?” You may have to go to war with another tribe but to be honest with you the war part was actually the birth of this fantasy. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen some snotty pretentious emo kids and dreamed about how great it would be to throw a spear through their necks. Is it just me?

I am realistic when it comes to this fantasy. The world immediately following the end of the world will be a scary place. There will be chaos and a bit of a learning curve. People will starve and get sick and get murdered. Hey, if you wanna make an omelet, right? But 5 or 10 years after all the shit goes down and it is game on. Utopia. A life not bound by bullshit rules from bullshit artists who only seek to serve their bullshit interests. The end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.