Apocalipsis Sexual

People are obsessed with the end of the world. Since the days early man drew pictures on the walls of caves, he has contemplated the end of times; when life, as we know it, shall cease to exist. From the prophecies of Nostradamus to the interpretation of the Mayan Calendar to the Jesus freak that stands on the corner of Highland and Hollywood Boulevard, the idea of the end of civilization has been and will always be a macabre tale. A story of society collapsed; disease and famine; droughts and war. Basically speaking, it will be a lot like Albuquerque. At least that is what the Doomsdayers would want you to believe. I, however, have a different take on the matter. I think it might actually be kind of sweet.

Okay, so here is the scenario. The global economy is going to collapse. Governments will resort to Marshall Law in a futile attempt to quell the rising contempt of their citizens. Basic human needs like food and water will, once again, become the sole purpose of existence. Local governments will fail and cities and towns all over the world will be reduced to nothing more than a collection of scavenging outlanders trying to survive. No more cable TV.

Is the picture painted in your head yet? Do you have it? Do you see yourself walking wearily down the road in a Metropolis ghost town? Your face wrapped in thick scarves and your eyes hidden behind ski goggles because, for some reason, after the world ends it gets very windy and dusty. Now add this to your imagery. As you walk down the empty street, you see something ahead of you; a beacon in the middle of this dirty Hell. It is a Sears. In it, you find a bonanza of technology. Generators, gardening hardware, sewing supplies, computers and mp3 players. Playstations 3’s! Books! Really awesome books that teach you how to build shit, fix shit and fix shit that builds. You help yourself to this smorgasbord of independent living. You move all of your new possessions to the mansion that you inherited because, after all, do you really think you’ll be living in an apartment after the world ends? The area you live in, once called a neighborhood, is more of a tribe now. Where like minded individuals can communally live and thrive. Each day brings a new find and each night brings whatever the fuck you want it to. Apocalypse turned into Heaven on Earth.

People wrongly make the assumption that when the world ends, we will all be cast thousands of years into the past. No matter what or who pulls the trigger; God, war, economic depression, the environment, swine flu, Oprah; when the dust settles all the technology remains. Need power? Head on down to the solar power store and loot you some panels. Better yet, go on down to a Barnes & Noble and get a book on how to make it. Need fuel? There are more ways to make a combustible engine than gasoline. Read about it. The world would, literally, be your oyster. And tribal living would be the best part.

There would be tribes all over the place. They would be like iphone applications. Are you a douche bag who has tribal tattoos and Ed Hardy shirts? There’s a tribe for that. Still religious after God abandoned you on Earth? There’s a tribe for that too. Hippie tribes, Amazonian Women tribes, Gay tribes and Straight tribes. I’m sure you may even find a real Indian tribe.

Imagine how much more efficient a tribal government would operate. First off, you get to make the rules. Most of the political problems society has stems from the sheer number of people living in it. If you don’t like the way your tribe is operating, just fucking leave. You don’t need no stinking Visa.

You ask, “What about war?” I say, “What about it?” Yes, I’m sure tribes will still be warring. It is what we, as a species, do. Man loves to conquer shit. There really is no way around it. To this I say, “so what?” You may have to go to war with another tribe but to be honest with you the war part was actually the birth of this fantasy. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen some snotty pretentious emo kids and dreamed about how great it would be to throw a spear through their necks. Is it just me?

I am realistic when it comes to this fantasy. The world immediately following the end of the world will be a scary place. There will be chaos and a bit of a learning curve. People will starve and get sick and get murdered. Hey, if you wanna make an omelet, right? But 5 or 10 years after all the shit goes down and it is game on. Utopia. A life not bound by bullshit rules from bullshit artists who only seek to serve their bullshit interests. The end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.