FOX Network

Will the FOX Network be on the air tomorrow, January 1st 2010 on the Time Warner Cable Network? Now, that is the question of the day. For the past week, both companies have been in tight talks regarding their future relationship. Basically, FOX wants money and Time Warner Cable doesn’t want to pay. FOX, who currently offers their channel for free, is tired of the old plan and wants a new one. Time Warner says, why change a good thing? It’s fun to watch two major, not to mention wealthy corporations have a baby fight. Come on guys, dust the dirt off your shoulders, shake hands and come in off the playground. You’re rich for Pete sakes.

Now, I would love to say, fuck FOX. Mainly for creating the FOX News Network, the network of lies and instigation. But, I can’t say fuck FOX, because they are the network that brings you “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Glen Beck,” 2 special shows which gives us so much comedy material it’s ridiculous. They also bring us Sunday Night Football and I love football.

Personally, I’m not much of a FOX fan. I don’t know, I always feel dumb when I watch FOX for some reason. Is it just me? Basically, FOX is just another cartoon network to me. Now, that I am an adult, I find it hard to watch cartoons. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the “Simpsons” and “The Family Guy” for their comedy that uses stereotyping and racially/sexually infused under and over tones. It’s comedy 101, baby. I find them funny and can see why they are so popular. I just don’t make the time to watch them.

Now, FOX wants more of the pie. Well, that’s cool. I guess you can’t get richer unless you ask for more money.

Avatar

This is supposed to be the time. Every columnist for every website and publication around the world is going to write about New Year’s resolutions this week. It is like some unspoken, unwritten obligation to fill their readers’ minds with hacky bullshit. (No offense Eric Somers…well, maybe a little offense but it’s out of love) Well, I’m not doin’ it. Nope, you won’t be reading about what I’m going or not going to do this year. You won’t be reading any tirades from me about how nobody keeps their resolutions. I won’t bore you with the typical top ten list of common bullshit promises people make to themselves only to discover that, come February, they are not just fat and lazy and unsuccessful and rude and addicted and spineless and unmotivated and unloving and stupid, they are also liars. I don’t need to do that. Frankly, that kind of column is beneath you. I understand that my readers already know these things about themselves. What I wanted to write about this week is more important than all of those things. I want to write about the tsunami of over hyped feces that so many of us became victim to this holiday season. Of course, I’m referring to the James Cameron epic, Avatar.

I trust that you saw it. Judging by the box office numbers, everybody saw it. In fact, that is all I kept hearing all week. “Did you see Avatar? It’s awesome!” “Wow, James Cameron did it again; incredible!” “3-D! It’s in 3-D! You gotta see the 3-D!” Okay, before I continue, I will acknowledge that the special effects were good. I haven’t seen special effects like that since Michael Jackson’s last facial reconstruction surgery. In fact, the thought that came to mind as I watched Avatar was, “this reminds me of when I first saw Captain EO.” 3-D film seems to be a lasting technology. It looks good and more important to the studios it can’t be bootlegged by some dude with a Handycam but what about the story? Once the initial awe of seeing a three dimensional world wore off, did anybody else find themselves distracted by the persistent thought, “now that doesn’t make sense”?

Now before you get on your high horse and tell me that even the best science fiction movies have elements which do not make sense by citing scenes from Star Wars, I think it is important to point out that the best science fiction movies are really more science fantasy. It is easier to suspend disbelief when you’re watching the goings on from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. The minute a director tries to take modern day political issues and cast them one hundred-fifty years in the future, I immediately begin to criticize his foreign policy.

Case in point, James Cameron’s take on health care. His hero, Jake Sully is paralyzed from the waist down. He is told that if he undertakes this mission, he can have the costly operation to fix his legs. Are we really to believe that in the future, we will be able merge human and alien DNA to create a synthetic being which can then be controlled remotely through a Matrix-like wireless consciousness intranet but a little stem cell spinal cord regeneration is out of the budget for a war veteran? C’mon James, I know that the US Government treats its injured soldiers like shit but with the technology you show in your movie, regenerating spinal cords would be the modern day equivalent of having a mole removed. I don’t buy it.

I hope James Cameron never runs for political office because, if elected, we would be broke in no time. In his flick, he sends the military light years away from Earth to undergo a very costly Avatar program in an attempt to relocate Pandora’s inhabitants peacefully from their home so that we could dig up the goodies underneath its surface only to say, “fuck it” and bomb the shit out of the planet anyway. Sound like anybody you know? I’ll give you a hint his initials begin with a “G” and “W.” Actually, the only reason Bush even gave the Iraqis a notice was because the world was watching and as silly as it sounds, he didn’t want to look like too big of a dick before bombing the shit out of a country that had his Texas Tea. Do you really think there would even be an Avatar program if some half naked blue people sat on some sweet sweet Pandora Puddin’ and it was light years away? I’ll give you the headline we would read in the 2154 New York Times. “Haliburton Discovers Gazillion Dollar Unobtanium Deposits on Lifeless Planet.”

Another thing that bugged me in this movie was Sigourney Weaver’s character, Dr. Grace Augustine. She is sympathetic to the plight of the Na’vi people and their connection to the environment around them, their respect for all living things and their symbiotic relationship with nature; all the while smoking cigarettes. Maybe in the future, Phillip Morris creates biodegradable filters. Either that or she was eating those butts.

Speaking of eating butts, did you get a look at the asses of those Na’vi chicks? The only thing I really learned in James Cameron’s preachy science fiction epic was how much of a fetish I have for fit blue chicks with tails. In fact, the best thing that will come out of Avatar, in my opinion, will be the slutty Na’vi costumes this Halloween. I can’t wait to see Hollywood’s finest all painted in blue wearing their cat ears and not much else roaming around Sunset Boulevard. Now that I think about it, it’s enough to make me change my opinion of the film. Now I just wish they had more 3-D Na’vi fucking; maybe in the sequel. Hey James Cameron, if you happen to read this, give the people what they want!

So there you go. The best review of Avatar you will find this year. If you have read this and haven’t seen the film yet, you should still probably check it out just so you can be a member of society. If you have seen it and disagree with me, maybe you should make your New Year’s resolution to be a little more critical of contemporary film makers and be a little less of a dumbass. Happy New Year!

Happy Holidays

Well, we have almost reached the end of 2009 and all I have to say is, we made it! In September, the Heavy Hitters of Comedy successfully took the challenge of starting a business while the country was in the throes of the worst recession seen since the Great Depression. We created an online destination for comedy which is growing each and everyday. A place for everyone, professionals and fans alike. A place to find out about comedians and their events. A place to network with others in the comedy industry. A place for fans to network with other fans.

Our goals are huge and we look forward to the future. Personally, I can’t wait to show you what we have in store. For now, you will have to wait and see. Remember to check back often, as changes and additions are happening each day.

Have a safe and Happy New Year.

The Senate

The House has spoken. 60 yeas to 40 nays, phase one for the health care bill passes. Democrats show their weight, now let’s see if the Health Care Bill passes the House. The crazy thing is, it about socially spending money to save those that can’t save themselves. I can’t believe our “God loving” country wouldn’t be more open to saving lives. This bill is more important than anything we have ever dealt with in our countries history. At the end of the day, we need to always work together, with the constant objective…To help. Just like the stimulus plan, which helped the banks and car companies save themselves from bankruptcy.

HH Update

We launched our BETA website on September 14th of this year. Since then we have made some great strides and we are so close to achieving all of our goals. Our goal has been to be BETA free by early 2010. Recently, we have made some major improvements as well as addition to our growing website. In a continued effort to provide you with the best tools available on the net in order to help you network with others in the comedy world, we have even more to talk about. Now, here is some great news. All registered users can now “Become a Fan” of other members. Becoming a “Fan” of someone is as simple as visiting a members public profile, comic profile, or comedy column and selecting the button labeled “Become a Fan.” Becoming a fan is much like twitters “Following,” and it is an acknowledgment to the member that someone else is all interested.

We also offer to some members the ability to provide future comedy events, which is an awesome opportunity to promote yourself and your shows. The last thing, you can now “Favorite” something. What does that mean, well, wherever you see the button “Favorite,” click it and find out what happens. No, just kidding. When you favorite something, it becomes a part of your personal profile and is featured on the page you land on when you log in. It is also featured on your “Public Profile.” Give a bit of insight to the world of your personal interests. Please let us know what you think, and if you think we should add or create something new just let us know.

Your comedy friend, Mike Casentini