Paso Doble

I know what a Paso Doble is and that fact is killing me. Why do I know this? Why have I used up valuable memory space storing this information on my biological hard drive? At 34 years old and with my history of partying, I figure I only have a few gigs left before I get to capacity. Yet there it is, haunting me like the homoerotic stalking matador portrayed in its dance. Soon, I fear it will spread and what started as a little irritant will quickly spread, leaving my entire body racked with sequins. If you don’t know what a Paso Doble is and you’re a bit confused at this point in the piece, I’m sorry for spreading the virus. It is a dance. Like a Tango or a Jive or a Quick Step. Jesus, I can keep going. I, like so many others, have been exposed to this new dance craze that has swept the country and I’m speaking up about it.

It started harmlessly enough; a show called “Dancing with the Stars” debuted on ABC a few years ago. Nobody thought much of it at the time. A boring little dance show with boring little pseudo celebrities filling in the boring little air time that was Summer programming. It had popularity in England but that wasn’t much of a warning. After all, soccer has popularity in England and I don’t need to tell you how much we couldn’t give a shit about the sport here in the States. It is harder to get WNBA tickets than it is to see a MLS game. But “Dancing with the Stars” was no David Beckham. This British transplant had legs and it used them; lots of them. Long, sexy legs attached to scantily clad Eastern European chicks with names like Karina and Edyta. For married men all over the country, the show provided a wife-approved spank bank depository and it took no prisoners. The ratings sky rocketed and soon people began using language never heard before; saying things nobody has ever said before. Things like “great performance” and “Mario Lopez” in the same sentence.
The show’s popularity prompted the other networks to follow suit. Fox added, “So You Think You Can Dance” to its line up where it has improved on the formula by keeping the half naked hot chicks who can put their legs behind their heads but removing the “washed-up athlete / never-was actor” element. It upped the cool factor by adding more contemporary dances like Hip Hop and Krump. Last I checked, “So You Think You Can Dance” has gotten so popular that it defies television law by never really having a season. The season finale is followed the next week with the next season’s premier. In short, it cannot be stopped.

Now we live in a world where dance is king. When I log on to MSN, the first available link takes me to last night’s results. The winners of these shows achieve fame and fortune. Fame and fortune? Outside of Fred and Ginger and Gene Kelly, name me a dancer who achieved fame and fortune. I bet the closest you got was, “Turbo from Breakin.” These shows are important. Make no mistake. The actors who participate on “Dancing with the Stars” practice for 4 hours a day. 4 HOURS A DAY! If they had that kind of dedication to their craft they wouldn’t be on “Dancing with the Stars.” They would actually be stars.

I say that if we are going to put so much emphasis on dancing then fuck it, let’s really put emphasis on it. I want to see conflicts settled through dance. Fuck the troop surge in Afghanistan. Let’s dance battle! I want to see Al Quaeda get served. I want to see Kim Jong Il get berated and voted off for not holding his carriage in his Viennese Waltz. I want to see Sarah Palin’s Cha Cha! I wouldn’t mind seeing her dance either. I hate that I know these things. I really do. Diseases like Swine Flu don’t scare me. There are bigger pandemics ravaging this planet. Pandemics dressed in tights and dancing the Paso Doble.