Don't Cry Tiger

Tiger Woods is still in the news and it’s becoming a little bit stalking, in my opinion. The media continues to report the “non-sighting” of the elusive Tiger of the forest lawn. This story is like being on a permanent safari filled with jokes. Where is that Tiger? Is he in Africa? Come on, stop it! Is he in Europe, South Florida or New York? What is this Carmen San Diego? Who really gives a shit? Today, the news reported that Tiger might be in New York staying with his friend Jim Dolan, the owner of Madison Square Garden. Well, that mansion should be comfortable enough to hide in, I’m sure. All I really have to say is: What’s it like to be a billionaire-in-hiding? That’s got to suck big-time.

My favorite part of this story is that Tiger is married to a beautiful woman, who has an identical beautiful twin sister. I mean, when does THAT party really get started? How many times do you think he’s rubbed up against the wrong twin? I’m going to say at least once.

I enjoy the fact that the media often isn’t sure if they have the correct twin. It must make heads explode in the paparazzi world just trying to figure out if IT’S Tiger’s wife or the other one. Hilarity!

The reason Tiger is hiding is obvious. He has something wrong with his face. He is probably in New York for plastic and reconstructive surgery, as well as the removal of his Titleist 975D Driver from his ass.

We will see Tiger soon enough, but when we do, we will all be looking for the scares. Good luck, plastic surgeons. “And Tiger, don’t mess with your nose, chin or cheek bones and definitely don’t use any lotion you get from Sammy Sosa!”