Michael Vick

The neighborhood I now live in is, by far, the nicest neighborhood I’ve lived in since I moved to Los Angeles. It is quiet. Not too many hobos pissing on the buildings. Just a few Armenians. I should love it but I don’t. They say that you don’t know what you don’t know so I shouldn’t beat myself up over the fact that I did not foresee just how annoying living among Hollywood hipsters would be. Relax, I am not going to write a column about hipster clothing. No point in beating a dead horse on how I feel about Ed Hardy T-shirts. I want to write about a growing trend I have been seeing in the hipster community. A trend which, if allowed to go on unchecked, could lead to a major problem. What is this growing trend, you ask? What could Hollywood hipsters possibly be doing which is so dangerous? Well I’ll tell you. Pet Adoption.

That’s right, I said it and I’ll explain it too. But before I do, I should preface my explanation by saying that I own two dogs which have been adopted. I like dogs. In fact, I like a lot of animals. I can’t call myself an animal lover because calling yourself an animal lover implies that you love ALL of them. I look at animals much in the same way I look at Rush Limbaugh fans. For every friendly, agreeable one you meet, there are a hundred others that, if provoked, would eat your testicles. My dogs are friendly. My dogs are small. My dogs were free. The way adopted pets should be. I wouldn’t pay for a pet if you paid me. If the hipsters in my neighborhood went my route I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not so much THAT they are adopting, it’s WHAT they are adopting.

Ever since Michael Vick was cast into the media spotlight for running a dog fighting ring, there has been a pouring of public outcry for the dogs in these rings. Organizations have been set up to take these pit bulls out of that lifestyle and send them to the home of a family looking to add a little love and a lot of adrenaline to their drab little lives. It’s one of those ideas that look fantastic on paper; like communism. Unfortunately, also like communism, it’s not very practical for a twenty-five year old living in a one bedroom with a guitar and a dream to be on American Idol.

These are trained attack dogs. They’ve tasted blood. They smell fear. They’ve killed. And they’re being walked by a 110 lbs lady boy on an iphone. Do you know how helpless it feels to be in the kill zone of Cujo-on-steroids and the only thing holding him back is an effeminate neo-emo douche bag trying to display dominance? “Casper, sit!” Fuck you, McKenna! That’s too much dog for you! Just because you want to feel good about yourself by thinking you can rehabilitate these dogs, doesn’t mean I should have to feel like Andy Dufrain walking through Shawshank. These dogs need wide open spaces where they can run and play and kill things that don’t have social security numbers. They don’t belong in Hollywood.

And don’t give me the old, “they’re misunderstood! They love people,” spiel. These dogs have seen some shit. These dogs are disturbed. They’re like the Vietnam vets of the animal kingdom. Do you know what went on in that dog fighting ring? The things they saw? They’ve seen bitches getting strapped in rape stands as the males took turns pounding that ass and that was just Michael Vick’s parties. Imagine what he did to the dogs! POW! (I couldn’t help it)

Now don’t get me wrong here. I don’t think they should be put down either. In fact, I think the whole Humane Society is bullshit. There is nothing humane about it. Most shelters hold the dogs for about 5 days before they’ll euthanize them. That sucks. Basically, it means that young dogs and cute dogs will get a reprieve through adoption but the older, less attractive ones get the needle. Imagine if Hollywood worked like that. Imagine what casting calls would be like with that standard. 5 days, that’s all you get. If you’re not cute enough to get a role, “sorry, there are just too many actors in this town and we’re overcrowded.” I’ll bet you would want to be let out to fend for yourself. Maybe take an Improv class. And that’s exactly what I think we should do with these dogs. Let ‘em go. Animal Planet is always pulling at our heart strings telling us about the endangered North American wolf population. Well, let’s see what nature can do. Domestic dogs have the same DNA make up as wolves. Send these dogs into the wild, see what happens. Is that cruel? Fuck no it’s not cruel. You were going to kill them anyway and you know what? Some will make it. I love the idea of seeing what a couple generations of wolf / chihuahua fucking would breed. Sing that fucking song, Sarah McLachlan.