Jackass Time

I can’t believe it’s already Friday. Where does all the time go? I haven’t been able to get up in almost a week and I’m missing the stage. I spend most of my day in front of my computer working for the man and my nights, well, that’s when I get an opportunity to get up in front of people and act like a total jackass — and I’m missing it.

You see, I’ve had to put away my comic card this week because I’ve been busy on another endeavor. It’s a lawsuit against my former employer and it’s not looking good. Basically, I’m suing the CEO personally instead of the company, on grounds that the company is not legitimate. The Judge kindly reminded me that she’ll “…be the judge of whether the company is legitimate or not.” Ouch! I also kept referring to her as “ma’am” instead of “Your Honor.” I’m not scoring points with the Judge at the moment.

I spent the past week preparing for this case, which has left absolutely no time to write jokes. Well, I’ve written a few jokes that I liked, but I haven’t had my jackass time and it’s killing me.

I like calling open mics my “jackass time,” because it gives me a chance to make noise and create stupid analogies all while wearing a silly face and dancing a little dance. Just kidding, I don’t actually do that sort of stuff in my act, but I’d like to. I probably should. Shit, it’s my jackass time.

All kidding aside, I’ve spent way too much time getting this stupid case together – which, at the end of the day, was a complete waste of time. The good news is it’s all over. Starting tonight, I will reclaim what’s rightfully mine, and that is any stage with a microphone and an amplifier. If I ever go homeless, I will have to make sure my shopping cart is equipped with plenty of notepads, pens, a microphone, amplifier and a diehard battery to power it all.

I think one of the reasons why I’m so attracted to standup is that it helps me keep my head straight. I really hate my day job. It robs me of all my time and energy and my will to live. You see, I log reality TV footage all day. The life of a reality star is simply too boring and is completely influenced by writers, editors, producers and network heads. Sometimes, I watch the footage and ask myself, who has it worse?