Underwear Bomb

As I was watching the news this morning I had a thought. It happened during one of these never ending segments on terrorism we’ve been subjected to ever since Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab tried to blow up his BVD’s on a Christmas Day flight to Detroit. You know the story, “Our enemy is resolute. Our enemy is inventive. We cannot guarantee 100% safety. Be afraid. Be impotent. We’re doing everything we can.” The thought I had was, “we can’t win this war on terror.” Not like this. Not with these people.

It has nothing to do with the men and women of our armed forces. Bar none, they are the most efficient and ferocious fighting force this planet has ever seen. There is not an army in the world that can stand toe to toe with the U.S. military. Unfortunately, our enemies know this so nobody is going to do something that fucking dumb. Nope, this is a new kind of war with no discernible front lines. Our enemies live amongst us. They are shrouded in secrecy, communicating through the World Wide Web as they lie dormant until it is time to strike. And we watch.

It seems as though we have that part down – watching. Our so called security officials keep telling us that they are watching their watch lists and watching the internet and watching the chat rooms and it seems to be effective. I mean there hasn’t been another 9/11 so we gotta be doing something right, right? Well yes and no. Just because your kid is the top student in a class of special-ed children doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a retard. (There probably won’t be a lot of laughs in this column so I thought I’d get ‘em in where they fit in)

Believe it or not, the mighty United States of America is at a disadvantage when it comes to this war on terror and that disadvantage is the under utilization of its most valuable resource; its citizens. No, I’m not saying that we should instill a draft. Shit, I’d be a Canadian faster than you could say E-1. What I’m saying is that our government has gotten so arrogant and swollen sucking its own cock that it seems to have forgotten what got the U.S. to the top of the global food chain in the first place; the fervent swarm of productivity and innovation of an empowered and determined U.S. populous. Yet here we sit, hands tied behind our backs and eyes covered by a mask of secrecy as our officials whisper, “we’ll try to take care of you” in our ears. Compare that to your garden variety Joe Terrorist who, with a little information, can deliver a major blow to us by shoving some C4 up his ass and jumping on a flight to Vegas.

We don’t need weapons training. We just need some information. Every security official on CNN has been talking about monitoring the Jihad websites. They say that Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab had been chatting in Jihad forums. Jihad forums??!! Where the fuck are these Jihad forums? Google “jihad forums.” Go ahead, Google it. I’ll wait.

Well what did you find? I already know; articles from non-Jihadists writing about these mythical websites. Apparently not everybody gives a shit about who Tiger Woods has been fucking. Give us these URL’s, Uncle Sam! Let us at ‘em! I haven’t read the Art of War but I’m pretty sure there has got to be a chapter in there about disrupting communication. Imagine how hard it would be for Osama bin Laden to give cryptic orders if every terrorist had to sift through millions of posts, links and status updates. How are they going to know when to strike when all they can see are invites to Loc Dog’s Pajama Jammy Jam, Cooter Bob’s KKK rants and Chris Putro’s Belly Room invites?

Everyday, the news should post the URL’s to every Jihadist website our intelligence gathers. “Today the Dow closed up 140 points and now here’s Poppy Harlow with the Jihad report.” There would be viruses and spam like you wouldn’t fucking believe and we would feel good about it; giving to the war effort, doing our part. Who knows? Maybe it just might be enough to turn the tide of this never ending struggle. If nothing else, maybe Heavy Hitters of Comedy could get more than 50 subscribers. Hey, Jihadists need a laugh too…I think.

Casey Johnson

Why do young people keeping dying? Here’s the answer: Young people are dying because of pharmaceutical drugs. Basically, it is the combination of legal drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol and fucked up diets which are causing everyone to die before their time. I believe rich children are predisposed to having a problem with drugs, both legal and illegal. It is due in part to rich parents giving their children things they should not have, like homes and fancy cars. By giving your children things they shouldn’t have you run the risk of creating an individual that is never satisfied. Children who are not satisfied experiment with drugs. The drugs they experiment with are the ones they find in their parents’ medicine cabinets. Drug companies create drugs they believe help solve problems, but unfortunately, they do not work when placed in our control. Oops. If you think your child doesn’t have a problem now, just give it time. Also, remember, children are great at hiding the truth and manipulation. So, good luck getting the facts. Stop giving your children shit they don’t have to earn and make them work extremely hard for the simple things.

Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh was released from the hospital yesterday in Hawaii after doctors discovered there was “Nothing Wrong” with him. I find that truly hard to believe. Just looking at him I can find at least 3 things wrong, starting with his gigantic melon head. In true Rush fashion, he had a press conference at the hospital, where he took a jab at the President, claiming that the “health care system works just fine.”

What a jerk. Of course, we have hospitals in the country performing incredible medical services, using cutting edge technologies and who have the highest regards for standards. And, yes, the “System” in fact does work just fine for wealthy individuals who have no problem affording the health care coverage. I’m not trying to argue about whether the hospitals in our country are currently performing services effectively, efficiently and responsibly. I believe the argument is about individuals being able to afford health care coverage. You forget about the people who opt to stay home by default and who most often die, because they know they would rather die at home than take their family into debt in a hospital.

What I really don’t understand is how you can come out and claim that “Your” experience in a hospital is going to be anything like “My” experience in a hospital. I’ll give you an example. For instance, they won’t allow me to put together a press conference when I get released. All I get is a stack of unreadable documents that I have to decipher using some sort of decoder from the Da Vinci Code, before my bill duplicates due to late charges and other fees.

I get it. You are a very powerful man, who loves to influence primarily the ignorant and uneducated bible huggers. That strong, radio-listening part of middle America with their love for fear, football and Sunday Church barbeques. That’s not my crowd.

You act as if the moment we institute a universal health care program, then all of a sudden every doctor and nurse on the planet will forget how to perform their job. Well, I disagree and I don’t live in fear. Like teachers, who perform a universal service and who continue to see their classrooms grow while their paychecks lessen, our doctors and nurses will do the same. They will pick up the slack, and perform. They have a code of ethics to which they follow and they must because of the trust we place in their hands. We have great doctors and wonderful programs in the United States. We must remember and be able to see the problems that exist, and the way we fix the problems is by opening the doors to everyone, and not just the affluent.

Fuck you very much, Rush.