Jerrry Seinfeld

Ahem.

I’m sorry, let me begin again.

AHEM.

There. Do I have your attention now?

Because I’m here to talk about what, sitcoms? No. I’m here to talk about one specific non-sitcom. I’m here to talk about The Marriage Ref, a new reality show starring comedian Tom Papa and executive produced by Jerry Seinfeld.

Look, I like Tom Papa as much as the next guy. In fact, I’m a fan, and I’m happy as hell for the guy that he’s getting a network television show. But what in tarnation is Jerry Seinfeld doing producing it?

“It’s not a reality show,” claim Papa and Seinfeld, “it’s a comedy panel show.”

Okay, it’s a comedy panel show. Fantastic. Even though I don’t know what a comedy panel show is, I’m betting that if Jerry Seinfeld is involved, it’ll be the best comedy panel show of all time.

On the other hand, here is what I know for sure. The New Adventures of Old Christine, Parks and Recreation, and just about every other sitcom on the air make me want to barf.

Don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, Jerry’s talents might be better utilized if he was exercising them in the creation of a watchable sitcom?

Come on, Jerry, I need another Seinfeld. Gimme another Seinfeld!

The truth is… he might be on his way already.

Let’s be honest here, doesn’t The Marriage Ref have the feel of an unused Kramer storyline? Have you seen the visual of Tom Papa in a referee’s shirt standing between a husband and a wife? That’s not normal. That’s Kramer.

Level with me, Jerry. Is The Marriage Ref really just another “coffee table” coffee table book? Or maybe it’s a pizza place where people make their own pies (“you canna notta put a cucumbers on a pizza. That’sa notta pizza.”)

I really don’t understand any of this.

When Seinfeld co-creator Larry David wanted to get back into television, he didn’t produce a series of “dogs in the wild” documentaries for Nat Geo, he created a brilliant new sitcom.

Hey Larry, do you still have Jerry’s phone number (yeah, I know, Larry is going to be a guest panelist on The Marriage Ref. I was trying to make a point).

What’s next?

Mark Burnett quitting Survivor to produce soap operas for Telemundo?

Brett Favre retiring from football so he can go up against Leno and Letterman (it didn’t work for Magic Johnson)?

Elvis coming back from the dead to sing lead voice over in the next Alvin and The Chipmunks movie?

This is crazy!!!

I get that Jerry likes to change venues. He did stand-up, he did a sitcom, he did an animated movie. But if you’re going to bring your sensibilities back to TV, produce another sitcom.

For the love of God, Jerry, produce another sitcom.

You and Larry David crafted the greatest, most intricate sitcom in the history of television. Every episode gave us four wildly entertaining stories that intersected with the precision of a surgeon’s knife. Now you’re going to stand behind the scenes while some comedian makes fun of married people? How challenging. You’re probably going to have to put in 15 minute days.

Good news, everybody. The world is following Jerry’s lead.

Conan O’Brien’s got a new gig as the warm-up guy at Funnies in Toledo. Bill Cosby is coming back to TV as the producer of that burning log show that appears on your TV every Christmas morning. Craig Kilborn will star as the log.

I’ve had it, people.

Having Jerry Seinfeld produce a reality show is as big a waste of talent as having Dave Chappelle appear exclusively at the Pig ‘n’ Whistle open mic. Stop teasing us, universe. Stop teasing us this very instant and make our greatest artists produce great art!

That being said, SIGH, I am very much looking forward to the premiere of The Marriage Ref. I just wish it was following the premiere of Jerry’s new sitcom.