The Thinker

To all University of Alabama fans who visited Hollywood last month: Walking around Hollywood with a shirt that says, “Alabama” is the equivalent of walking around Alabama with a shirt that says, “Fag.” You’re not impressing anyone is my point.

The best part about the Ultimate Fighting Championship is not the fighting. It’s the interviews. “I’m a martial artist developing my craft.” Yeah, you’re an artist alright. You managed to turn that guy’s face into a regular Jackson Pollack. That’s an art exhibit I’d like to see. “I love how the artist comments on the duality of man with his contrast of blood and snot.” These guys are full of shit. Do you know how delusional you have to be to consider compound fractures, asphyxiation and blunt force trauma, art? That’s like calling Port au Prince an architectural Mecca. By definition, yes it is an art form. It is an expression of one’s self through a practiced skill set. But technically, so is painting your house in dog shit. I can’t believe how popular it has gotten. People spend a lot of time and money trying to learn how to defend themselves with mixed martial arts. I think it’s a waste. You don’t need to know all the moves of a mixed martial artist to keep people from fucking with you. You just need the cauliflower ear. If I see somebody who looks like they got broccoli growing out the sides of his head, the last thing I’m going to do is start some shit. Cause even if he’s a shitty mixed martial artist…he thinks he’s an artist! Nuff said. That motherfucker is crazy.

Technology has taken all of the romance out of combat. So I’ve decided to take a side on the gun debate. I think we should ban all guns. But, at the same time, we should legalize all swords. If nothing else, it will make gang violence a lot more entertaining. “Everybody outside quick! The Bloods and Crips are fighting!” Think about it. No more innocent bystanders. I’ve never read about a medieval kid accidentally getting his head lopped off. Even the most incompetent swordsman will, at least, catch the shoulder of his opponent. Even the NRA people would be happy. All they want to do is defend their homes. What’s a better deterrent than a guaranteed katana blade to all those who trespass? The world would be a better place if everybody put down their guns and picked up a sword and I can prove it. I think we can all agree that everybody loves Star Wars. We’ve all fantasized about living in a galaxy far far away. Do you know why? Because of the light sabers, of course. Take the light sabers out of Star Wars and you’re left with Buck Rogers and nobody wants to live in that world of lame.

If the conspiracy is true that Jesus Christ was in fact, married, it would make sense to cover it up. It’s kind of hard to worship a messiah if you know he was constantly getting nagged for hanging out with lepers and whores.

I think the Miss Universe competition is fixed. The winner always comes from Earth.

To those people who don’t want to let homosexuals get married: Do you know who you are? You’re the guy who thought black people should have a different drinking fountain. You’re the guy who wanted to throw all the Japanese in concentration camps. You’re the guy that thought women shouldn’t be able to vote. Every generation has you and everybody looks back into history and thinks you’re retarded. You’re the guy who, many years ago, said, “Can you believe how much they’re charging for niggers these days?” You’re that fucking guy.