Conan

That’s nasty, baby.

“What’s nasty?”

That – what you’re watching on TV.

“How do you know what I’m watching on TV?”

I work for the cable company, baby. I know everything. I know what movies you watch on “On Demand.” I know what you watch when your wife goes to bed. I know…

“Wait a minute. I only clicked on this column because I was curious about Eric Somers’s thoughts on television. I didn’t want to make this about me.”

Simmer down, baby. You ARE learning what Eric Somers thinks about television. This week he’s thinking that advertisers know exactly what he’s watching — and that this fact is somehow preventing him from getting better shows.

“Why isn’t he telling me this himself?”

Oh, am I making you uncomfortable, baby? You don’t like having the hidden powers that be reveal themselves? I thought you’d appreciate a little unvarnished truth but, okay, I’ll step back behind the curtain and we can both pretend I’m not here. Take it away, Mr. Somers.

#^$)*@#^^@#^&@^^#&$

Hello, Heavy Hitters. Sorry I’m late. Who were you talking to?

“Um, we’re not sure. We think it was some lady from the cable company.”

Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ll bet it was nothing. After all, my columns never begin with some clumsy device that attempts to illustrate a point. Let’s just move on.

So, did everyone enjoy the Superbowl? I know I WAS enjoying it, until I thought about all the money that those companies were paying for those commercials. You see, I use a lot of those products, so I know that somehow, I paid for those ads, and I was thinking that I probably would have rather just kept the money.

Then I thought, lighten up. The cost of those commercials is diffused by so many millions of consumers that they’re hardly adding anything to the cost of the products.

Then I thought, I like the Superbowl, and with the ad revenue it generates, I’m pretty sure it’s not going to get canceled.

And then I thought, oh no.

OH NO.

Um, I have a confession to make. I like what I like.

“How’s that a confession, Eric?”

It’s a confession because I’m always giving people a hard time for liking the things that they like that I don’t like.

“Huh?”

Most of my readers know the long list of sitcoms that I can’t stand, shows that I’ve privately and publicly wished would get canceled. Furthermore, they know the one sitcom that was recently canceled that I do like (Everybody Hates Chris).

My “oh no” comes from a sudden realization that meaningful, crafted entertainment is as vulnerable as it is rare, and that it can be eliminated at any time.

Worse than that, my realization has made me feel guilty!

“But Eric, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Didn’t I? What about my disinterest in The Tonight Show controversy? Didn’t my ambivalence cause some people pain?

“Dude, what are you talking about?”

I’m talking about… I wasn’t a Conan guy, but many of my friends were, and since Conan got roughly double the ratings that my favorite canceled sitcom got, there are probably twice as many viewers out there who are frustrated that he’s gone.

“But how is that your fault, Eric?”

It’s my fault because I didn’t begrudge NBC for going with Jay. In fact, considering Leno’s Tonight Show got better ratings than Conan’s, I didn’t see how any rational person could legitimately question NBC. I thought Conan should have acknowledged the numbers and gracefully accepted a midnight timeslot or quietly gone away. But this column isn’t about choosing one guy over the other guy. That’s always going to happen. This column is about the other guy.

My “oh no” comes from the realization that millions of people can like a particular show, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be taken away, even in this time when there are more channels than ever that need programming.

The fact is that TV shows compete for viewers and viewers are notoriously slow to discover shows. This is a dangerous combination – if you consider television shows to be works of art.

I’ll say that again, as this whole meandering column depends on it. Ratings are dangerous when they are given the power to eliminate art.

What if Vincent Van Gogh had had his paint brushes taken away from him after his first six paintings? After all, they didn’t sell. In fact, Van Gogh sold almost nothing during his entire lifetime. Does that mean he shouldn’t have been allowed to paint?

Heaven knows, most new TV shows are yanked from the air if they don’t produce ratings after six episodes.

Does that mean that the world today is quite probably depriving itself of its greatest television artists?

I’ll tell you one thing, it scares me that Aaron Sorkin, due to lack of ratings, could not keep Sports Night or Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip on the air. It seemed to me that those were pretty brilliant shows.

I’ll bet if Vincent Van Gogh’s paintings were a TV show, he would not have been allowed to continue to paint.

“But Eric, maybe PBS would have sponsored Van Gogh? They do a lot of television that wouldn’t make it commercially.”

Maybe, but did PBS pick up The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien? Did they pick up Everybody Hates Chris?

“Come on, Eric. It costs a lot of money to produce television shows. It’s not fair to compare them to Van Gogh’s paint brushes.”

But, in a way, aren’t television shows today what paint brushes were in 1880?

“This is nutty, Eric. Almost every show that’s ever been on the air has had some loyal viewers. Are you going to argue that every show is entitled to air forever? Isn’t it possible that some shows only had viewers because some people were too lazy to turn the channel, or because they watched it, not because they liked it, but because it was not as bad as the other shows that were on at the same time?”

What I’m saying…

Wait. Let me start again. What I’m saying…

You know what? I don’t know what I’m saying. I think, this week, I’m just acknowledging that there’s a danger in just going by the numbers. Sometimes the masses get it wrong. And I believe that sometimes the masses aren’t even given a chance to get it right. You can build the perfect mouse trap, but if nobody knows about it, if the guy who sells crappy mouse traps controls the means of distribution, if nobody cares enough to seek out the perfect mouse trap…

You know what?

Everybody watches the Superbowl, so the Superbowl won’t be getting canceled any time soon. I guess, for the time being, I’ll just be happy about that.