Bang

Last week, another school shooting rocked our country. A University of Alabama professor went on a shooting rampage, killing three and wounding three more. Allegedly, professor Amy Bishop was upset that she was not going to receive tenure and decided to get pro-active, giving new meaning to term, Crimson Tide. Are you like me? Are you starting to see a pattern here? Let’s recap:

Omaha, Nebraska Dec ’07: 19 year old Robert Hawkins carries a SKS assault rifle into a crowded shopping mall, killing nine people and injuring five more. Red Lake Indian Reservation, MN March ’05: Former student goes on rampage and kills 10. Hillsborough, NC Aug ’06: Student kills father then shoots two other students. Bailey, CO 2006: Gunman kills 6 female students after lining them up against a blackboard and sexually assaults them. (they still use blackboards?) Salt Lake City, UT February ’07: Student goes berserk, shoots and kills 5 other students. And let’s not forget April 16, 2007. Cho Seung-Hui storms around Virginia Tech, killing 32. It’s the deadliest rampage in U.S. history. Do the Asians always have to be number one?

These are just seven of the twenty-three shootings involving schools or teenagers since 9/11. Just three days ago, The Department of State issued a Worldwide Caution to update information on the continuing threat of terrorist actions and violence against U.S. citizens and interests throughout the world. U.S. citizens are reminded to maintain a high level of vigilance. Apparently that vigilance ends just on the edge of campus.

Are you following where I’m going here? Since September 11th, 2001 the only Americans who have been hurt by terrorists just happen to be in the terrorists’ backyard. Here in the good old United States of America? Nada, zip, nothing. Now I don’t know if it’s the wire tapping, water boarding or any other infringement on the Constitution but I’m not real worried about being taken out by Osama bin Laden here on the mainland. Sure, the Christmas Day underwear bombing attempt by Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab was disconcerting but do you know what scared me the most in the whole ordeal? The motherfucker was an engineering student!

These images the news keeps showing us of bearded terrorists swinging from the monkey bars don’t scare me. The grainy YouTube videos of dudes in sandals shooting AK-47s don’t scare me. What do scare me are all these little fucks in our schools, hopped up on anti-depressants and Starbucks feeling a little down because they’re not popular or rich or both, ordering a goddamn assault rifle on-line, walking into Albertson’s and plugging the patrons. And now we have to worry about the teachers too?

What ever happened to school spirit? The University of Alabama just won the BCS for Christ’s sake! It’s not like she had to teach at Washington State.

I think the government should start a new kind of terror alert. It can go to orange every time school lets out.

Feel me?