iPhone

Are you like me?

Do you think technology has come too far?

Do you think the so called “scientists” have gotten too big for their britches?

If so, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If not, please look in your pockets. More likely than not, you’ll find some evidence that I’m right (no, I’m not talking about your boner, I’m talking about your cell phone).

Sorry, AT&T and Verizon, but you’ve overreached. Nobody needs a TV on their phone.

Now, don’t mistake me for a fuddy duddy. I hate purists as much as the next guy. Back when cinephiles were screaming at Ted Turner for colorizing Gone with the Wind, I just smiled. I couldn’t understand the outrage (over a “supposed” violation of the director’s vision) when the stilted dialogue of the movie was much more off putting than anything Ted Turner could do to the graphics.

But I digress. I’m not here to bash the most dated, overrated, and unwatchable film in the history of the medium. I’m here to defend its defenders. I’m here to declare that format does indeed need to be protected.

I’m here to say that it’s wrong to watch television on a two inch screen! It’s simply not fair to the TV shows. Sure, watching Jay Leno is acceptable (because a two inch screen is perfect for making his chin look normal) but he’s the exception to the rule.

In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t even want to watch a normal chinned Leno on a two inch screen (just like I wouldn’t want to watch Letterman on a screen that fills in the gap between his teeth).

And if I can’t figure out what the hell’s going on on Lost while I’m watching it on a 32” screen, what chance am I going to have if I’m watching it on my cell phone?

And what about shows that go out of their way to give me majestic scenery? They may as well be filming Survivor on Gilligan’s Island if I’m watching it on my cell phone.

And what about those poor sons of bitches who try to watch The Wizard of Oz or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on a cell phone? The Munchkins and Oompa Loompas would practically disappear!

“Who’s Willy talking to? Is Dorothy nuts? How come my TV keeps ringing? Oh, right, hello? Hey Dave, thanks for calling. What was I doing? Nothing much, just watching The Wizard of Oz. Speaking of which, do you know why they’re following a yellow line in the dirt or why Dorothy brought her hamster, Toto, with her?”

I believe that if you can’t be troubled enough to find a screen that’s bigger than a bread box, you don’t deserve to watch television.

I remember the good old days before we had cell phones, back when technology was my answering machine. I remember the excitement of getting home at the end of the night and checking to see who called. And I remember the crippling depression that set in when I had no messages!

Now, thanks to technology, I’m getting that depression 15 times a day, every time I log on to my empty email account. Thanks, technology!

You know what else I hate? Reality dating shows. I mean, I get it that people need to put on an act in order make their lives interesting enough for TV, but when phoniness is delivered with all that fake sincerity, like when Brett Michaels or Ray J acts hurt when one of their skanks appears to be in it for something besides their love, I just find that soooo depressing. It sort of diminishes the whole idea of people genuinely caring about anything. I wish God would be merciful and make Ray J and Brett Michaels fall in love with each other.

So, in conclusion, cell phone televisions suck, I am not popular (on the phone or on the email), and Ray J and Brett Michaels need to tenderly smash each other with their respective rosy thorns.

Have a great week, Heavy Hitters. Have a super duper pooper scooper week!