CEO of Toyota

It has begun. We were warned and now it is too late. The machines have taken over. Toyotas have transformed from reliable affordable automobiles to ungodly Hell spawn sent to Earth to uncontrollably accelerate you and your family to a fiery grave, cooking your flesh while pissing on your soul. Who would have thought the plot to a bad 80’s Emelio Estevez movie would be prophecy? I guess the Lord truly works in mysterious ways. May he have mercy on our souls…

I’m sorry did I get a little carried away there? Did that sound a bit alarmist? It must be the news rubbing off on me. For the past couple weeks, I’ve had the displeasure of watching news report after news report tell us about the Toyota menace. At first it was the Prius and faulty brake peddles. Then it became sticky accelerators. Yesterday, a woman reported that her Lexus unexpectedly and uncontrollably accelerated to over 100 mph on the freeway. According to her story, she called her husband on her Bluetooth as her car kept accelerating just to hear his voice because she feared it would be the last time. It was heart wrenching. I can only hope he told her, “Honey, I love you. Now put the car in neutral you stupid bitch.”

Look, I don’t want to sound like a dick here but, really, who gives a shit if Toyota has to recall some of its 2010 models because there is a chance the car might unexpectedly accelerate? I read that four people have been killed to date because of the sticky accelerators. Four people! Tragic? Yes. News worthy? Please. Four times as many people are killed by falling coconuts every year. It is true. Look it up. When you consider the millions of Toyotas that have been sold around the world, the odds of your Toyota getting the not-so-golden ticket are pretty damn slim. Don’t buy into the panic spread by sensationalistic news reports. They’re just looking for the ratings. If they really wanted to do an interesting story they would do a report on how many faulty Toyotas have bumper stickers which read, “God is my co-pilot.” Now there is a story I want to hear.

Now that I think about it, I want one of these 2010 Toyotas. I’m heading to my local dealership! Recall my ass! It is only a recall if you send it back. If you keep it, it’s an alibi. They may call it a sticky accelerator. I prefer to think of it as a lever of judgment. I would put 50,000 miles on it in two months just driving around town, looking for people in Ed Hardy T-shirts, crossing the street, waiting to be judged. It really would be the perfect crime. “Mr. LaCour, for the deaths of twenty-two young men attending the Daughtry concert on the night of February 27th we, the jury, find you not guilty. We do, however, recommend you remove the steer horns from the bumper of your Prius.”

Court is adjourned, bitches!