Last Comic Standing

This weekend is the open auditions for Last Comic Standing. Rather than bore you with a tirade about how the show makes stand-up comedy impotent and diluted and how much it taints the art of stand-up comedy, I thought I’d give you the set I plan to audition with. Hey, fuck you. I don’t see you selling out my shows. You motherfuckers don’t even come out when the admission is free. By the way, email me to get on the guest list for Saturday night at the ten o’clock Jon Lovitz show. I’m gonna kill! As Barack Obama once told me, “A brother’s gotta get paid.” It’s two to three minutes and it has to be clean. For you comedy aficionados out there, notice how taking the curse words out of this set neuters the set entirely. Clean show my ass. Fuck you, Cosby! Anyway, without further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, Jason LaCour!

“So, predicting the end of the world has become cool again. I don’t get why these Doomsdayers waste their time with this crap. I mean, are these people so self-righteous that the last thing they want to hear before they die is, “good call?” “Apocalypse, bro. You frickin’ nailed it.” And they’re persistent too. “December 21, 2012! It all comes down December 21, 2012!” These are the same people who were running in the streets just 10 years ago yelling, “Y2K! Y2K!” How dumb do you have to be to believe 10 years is enough time passed for people to forget just how dumb you were 10 years ago? That takes a special kind of stupid.

Of course, this time it’s different because ancient civilizations predicted it. That’s what they say. Ancient civilizations? Really? You mean to tell me that these ancient civilizations were so wise that they knew, to the day, when the world was going to end 5000 years into the future but not one of these dudes had any idea their own civilization was about to go tits up? Maybe these Mayans were too focused on the big picture. Spending their time worrying about solar flares and gamma ray bursts; meanwhile nobody had the foresight to see that it’s probably not such a good idea to poop in the drinking water. What’s the hieroglyph for dysentery?

I don’t buy it.

I’m a proud American and like any proud American I say that if the world is going to end, it’s going to end cause we say so. No natural disasters, just good, old fashioned, global thermonuclear war; the way the good Lord intended.

Some people think that the apocalypse will start in the Middle East. Well, seeing that they’ve been at war somebody since forever that seems like a good place to focus our attention on. There are just too many differences between them and us. For instance, look at crime. Here in the Western World, people are killed in the streets for their shoes. There, people are killed in the streets with their shoes.

What is that shoe thing all about anyway? They threw their shoes at George Bush. They protest with their shoes in the air. You know, CNN is quick to point out that, in the Muslim religion, throwing your shoes at somebody is the highest form of disrespect you can show another human being. Okay. Where do you think suicide-bombing falls on that list? What, is that like fourth? First it is throwing your shoes at somebody. Then it’s a cartoon of Mohammad. Then a, “Your mama’s so Muslim” joke. Then suicide bombing? Maybe we’re going about this whole war on terror thing all wrong. We don’t need bullets, we need Birkenstocks. Just take a B-2 and drop a whole payload of loafers on the entire region. “Osama, I quit. The infidels are using Huuuucccssshh Puppies.”

Thank you and be sure to tip the wait staff! Let me know what you think. I think it plays better than it reads. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m not exactly network friendly. Even if they hate it, who gives a shit? After all, this is the same network that thinks Leno is better than Conan; thinks Dick Clark is still suitable for New Years; and green lit fuckin’ Joey. What do they know about comedy?