Confidence

In the last few weeks, I’ve hit a sort of rut that can only be defined as a serious lack of self-confidence. I get incredibly frustrated over my lack of perfection when I’m on stage, but I keep forgetting that perfection is not the point. It’s about the process and the development of my stage persona. But I want the answer and I want the answer now! To which question? Obviously, how can I reach my creative zenith? I know this sounds like bullshit, but I really want to discover is that which makes me unique.

I can’t put that search on overkill: I find I take comedy way too seriously on those nights when it’s just not quite there. Not necessarily a bomb, but not 100%. I’m a control freak, but I have to remember that there are so many variables that it’s difficult enough just to balance them all, from the material to the audience. Seeking perfectionism not only means that I’m chronically dissatisfied, but it also means that I’m not aware of what’s going on around me. My act is no longer organic if I place too much weight on getting it just perfect. I have to remember to just relax, trust myself, and be there. Who knows: perhaps if I applied that mode of thinking to women, I’d get laid more often. Probably not, but a man can dream.

What I’m looking for is something to which there is no finite answer, at least not one that anyone else can just “give” me. I’ll have to find it myself with the confidence to do so. Again, this might all just be bullshit. All comics possess confidence, and even I show it each time I get up. Now I just have to get used to trusting myself at all times as though it were normal.