Last Comic Standing

This weekend is the open auditions for Last Comic Standing. Rather than bore you with a tirade about how the show makes stand-up comedy impotent and diluted and how much it taints the art of stand-up comedy, I thought I’d give you the set I plan to audition with. Hey, fuck you. I don’t see you selling out my shows. You motherfuckers don’t even come out when the admission is free. By the way, email me to get on the guest list for Saturday night at the ten o’clock Jon Lovitz show. I’m gonna kill! As Barack Obama once told me, “A brother’s gotta get paid.” It’s two to three minutes and it has to be clean. For you comedy aficionados out there, notice how taking the curse words out of this set neuters the set entirely. Clean show my ass. Fuck you, Cosby! Anyway, without further adieu, ladies and gentlemen, Jason LaCour!

“So, predicting the end of the world has become cool again. I don’t get why these Doomsdayers waste their time with this crap. I mean, are these people so self-righteous that the last thing they want to hear before they die is, “good call?” “Apocalypse, bro. You frickin’ nailed it.” And they’re persistent too. “December 21, 2012! It all comes down December 21, 2012!” These are the same people who were running in the streets just 10 years ago yelling, “Y2K! Y2K!” How dumb do you have to be to believe 10 years is enough time passed for people to forget just how dumb you were 10 years ago? That takes a special kind of stupid.

Of course, this time it’s different because ancient civilizations predicted it. That’s what they say. Ancient civilizations? Really? You mean to tell me that these ancient civilizations were so wise that they knew, to the day, when the world was going to end 5000 years into the future but not one of these dudes had any idea their own civilization was about to go tits up? Maybe these Mayans were too focused on the big picture. Spending their time worrying about solar flares and gamma ray bursts; meanwhile nobody had the foresight to see that it’s probably not such a good idea to poop in the drinking water. What’s the hieroglyph for dysentery?

I don’t buy it.

I’m a proud American and like any proud American I say that if the world is going to end, it’s going to end cause we say so. No natural disasters, just good, old fashioned, global thermonuclear war; the way the good Lord intended.

Some people think that the apocalypse will start in the Middle East. Well, seeing that they’ve been at war somebody since forever that seems like a good place to focus our attention on. There are just too many differences between them and us. For instance, look at crime. Here in the Western World, people are killed in the streets for their shoes. There, people are killed in the streets with their shoes.

What is that shoe thing all about anyway? They threw their shoes at George Bush. They protest with their shoes in the air. You know, CNN is quick to point out that, in the Muslim religion, throwing your shoes at somebody is the highest form of disrespect you can show another human being. Okay. Where do you think suicide-bombing falls on that list? What, is that like fourth? First it is throwing your shoes at somebody. Then it’s a cartoon of Mohammad. Then a, “Your mama’s so Muslim” joke. Then suicide bombing? Maybe we’re going about this whole war on terror thing all wrong. We don’t need bullets, we need Birkenstocks. Just take a B-2 and drop a whole payload of loafers on the entire region. “Osama, I quit. The infidels are using Huuuucccssshh Puppies.”

Thank you and be sure to tip the wait staff! Let me know what you think. I think it plays better than it reads. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m not exactly network friendly. Even if they hate it, who gives a shit? After all, this is the same network that thinks Leno is better than Conan; thinks Dick Clark is still suitable for New Years; and green lit fuckin’ Joey. What do they know about comedy?

The Bringer

You know what I find to be obscenely lame? “Hot Tub Time Machine?” Good guess. While I’m sure that flick is atrocious (sure that, if I were to do myself the disservice of seeing it, I would shortly thereafter be referring to my eyes as “assholes”) -I’m talking about the widely loathed bringer show. It’s a heavily implemented concept at the open mic level of stand-up comedy. A pay-to-play, put-up or shut-up, put your money where our mouth is sort of deal.

Normally, it unfolds thusly: “hey, there. We’ve never met, nor have I seen your act, but we have been chatting outside of an open mic for the last ninety seconds or so…how would you like to do a big ol’ comedy show on a fancy stage? I’m sure you’d be a stellar addition to the lineup, based on how you’re still standing here, listening to me speak…Now, I do realize we’re at a show that doesn’t command a cover or a drink minimum, yet you don’t have a single supporter in sight; but hows about convincing ten friends to fork over twenty bucks a piece to see a show chuck full of schmucks that have essentially paid for their stage time?” Enticing, I know. If an aspiring comic is willing to put their own elusive funds on the line, you know what they have to say must be of dire importance.

“Back it up. What’s all this bosh tosh about a comic putting forth their own money to make a bringer show work? If said comic is contributing (in the neighborhood of) a couple of hundred dollars in support of the show, wouldn’t they, if anything, receive a modest wage for their diligence?” Good guess. The bringers I have been approached to do offer only one option if profit is desired: jack up the price of the overpriced ticket (i.e. resale), once you have covered your own ticket quota out of your own pocket. Before you know it, you’re asking family and friends to pay Magic Mountain admission to go to a glorified open mic.

Another way an optimistic, young go-getter might make money at a bringer is if the show is some sort of contest with a grand prize. The culmination of weeks of competition. Fill x amounts of seats and you’re automatically in the Finals. Sounds legit to me. Those thousand money dollars are as good as mine! The more people I bring, the more votes I get. That works out for everyone. What was once presented as a talent competition is now a popularity contest with favor given to the performer that can generate the most money for the people off stage. What great preparation for Last Comic Standing.

I understand the logistics behind such an operation. The booker provides the stage, the exposure, the larger-than-average crowd potential. The performer does their part to ensure a real crowd is on hand, each member of which is obligated beforehand to lubricate their sensibilities with alcohol and to get every last chuckle out of their ticket price. Good times had by all. Far be it for me to have shat on a system that seems to work on some level, but I offer this thought: if a comedian spends time and energy crafting and perfecting enjoyable material for the delight of a room full of strangers, free of charge- maybe, just maybe, they’ve done their part. Perhaps the people divvying up the door and charging six dollars for a Heineken can provide the asses in the seats. Just a thought.

If such logic were the norm, and the bringer show was replaced by an honest exhibit of comedic talent that people were willing to pay a few bucks to be a part of, our art form would only evolve. Not to say that comics that do bringers are subpar, obviously it varies. However, allowing anyone that promises to sell a few tickets a platform to perform, regardless of skill level, gives the Mediocrity Monster full opportunity to rear its ugly head. I think all a comedian should be obligated to bring to a show is clever material, wit, stage presence-that kind of thing. If their talent is worthy, people will pay and people will laugh and people will drink and the same pockets will continue to be blessed under more rational circumstances.

The whole concept contradicts a typical comic’s nature. Most stand-ups, despite being a class clown and having the ability to become popular through humor, are introverted. Anti-social. Cracking-wise from the outside, looking in. Sure, we have more friends than magicians (who doesn’t?) but we have less friends than musicians. I’m not talking about friends that live in the computer, either. I know plenty of people with 3,000 plus facebook buddies that have trouble unloading a dozen tickets to an “amazing” show. Most comics befriend, mostly, other comics. It’s a hard sale to convince a comedian to pay to go to a comedy show. It’s kind of like a whore wasting their filthy cash on porn. George Carlin was omnipotent with the microphone, and was also a self-described loner. Three of the absolute best comics I’ve seen on the circuit-Hugh Moore, Angelo Bowers and Chuck Bartell- don’t seem to be into bringers, yet I would gladly pay to see their set any day of the week. Let the talent speak for itself and have faith that people will support superb comedy. Abort the bringer for the good of the art form. It doesn’t cause anyone to thrive for creative greatness. It just dilutes the collective quality of any given show. If you’re good, you’re booked. Bring nothing but your A game. If you’re still working it out, that’s what open mics are for. Comedy, as a whole, puts it’s strongest foot forward and we all win.

With that being said, I only have five tickets left for the pizza parlor in Riverside next week. Hit me up promptly and I’ll hook you up with free cheesy bread.