Wow. What a month, huh? If you’ve been reading this column with any regularity, and by the looks of things you haven’t, you would know that I took a step away from all the hootin’ and the hollerin’ and the bitchin’ about comedy, popular culture and the state of the world to bring you a different kind of entertainment. I hope you enjoyed the story. And, by the way, not a word of it was true. It was nothing more than a stream of consciousness opening paragraph that turned into twenty pages. I keep hearing about these so-called “brain games” one needs to play in order to keep their neural pathways sharp and youthful. All for the low low price of whatever the hell they’re charging for brain games these days. Bullshit, I say. Keep your money. Just start typing some shit until you paint yourself in a corner then try to make it work. It’s like“Rocky Balboa” style training for the old noodle. You’ll be knocking out big Russians in no time. So now that I ate some lightning, I’m gonna crap some thunder.

This guy totally craps thunder

What in the Sam Hell has been going on since I’ve been gone? I swear, I take a one month hiatus from my global watchtower and, next thing I know, there’s a riot in the yard. Looks like an extremist Muslim sought payback after the creators of South Park punked him for his commissary. Oh the horror. I don’t know about you but I’m starting to see through this whole terrorist bullshit and I’d like to share some thoughts.

In the past I wrote a column on what I thought would be a good way to disrupt communication within these terrorist organizations’ websites by giving us, the tech happy, social networking, American citizens their URLs so we can spam and comment and plug chrisputro.com until their terrorist sites are as baron as Myspace. You can find it here: Click here. Apparently Janet Napolitano either didn’t like my idea or is not a fan of heavyhittersofcomedy.com. I’m betting the latter. So I took it upon myself to start searching the World Wide Web to seek out these websites. It has turned out to be a difficult search. Even with my Google translator set from Arabic to English and searching words and phrases like, “Death to the infidels” and “Jihad,” all I found was an ass load of forums where most comments were positive and informative but there would be one crazy fucker who would say, “Death to the infidels.” Much in the same way you would find that one asshole who says, “I hate niggers” on a Tiger Woods thread.

That’s the guy

Once again, I’m getting the feeling that things aren’t as bad as the media would like to make them seem. This week the Times Square Bomb Scare was the only thing happening in the world if you watched the news. Some dipshit, would be terrorist drove a Nissan Pathfinder into Times Square loaded full of gasoline, some fireworks and an alarm clock as a timer. The news is always quick to tell us how sophisticated these terror networks can be but one look at this guy and you can’t help but think they’re getting their weapons training from Wile E. Coyote. Watch, the next thing you’re gonna see is a terrorist on roller skates with a big red rocket tied to his back. If you happen to see a dish full of birdseed in the middle of 5th Avenue, don’t stop or you’re liable to have a giant boulder dropped on your head. These fucking idiots. It would seem that extremist Muslims are really fond of cartoons. From the Dutch cartoon that inspired riots to the South Park episode which inspired death threats to the stupid son of a bitch who used Road Runner chemistry to make explosives.

“Praise be to Allah”

Are you really still scared of these terrorists? Don’t be. If you go to the website where the death threats to Trey Parker and Matt Stone were issued: revolutionmuslim.com you will see that the example they used to try to instill fear in our American heroes was the stabbing and shooting of a documentary filmmaker named Theo van Gogh by the hands of an extremist Muslim after van Gogh made a film depicting domestic violence in Muslim marriages. Cause he didn’t want to be depicted as violent. That was it. One stabbing and shooting. These people fail to realize that this is America, baby! Stabbings and shootings are like apple pie and baseball. You have a better chance of getting killed over your watch than you have of getting killed over your freedom of speech. Fuck those assholes and don’t you worry, America. If anybody is going to kill us, it’s going to be us. Like our forefathers wanted.

I was thinking some thoughts earlier. Here’s what my head said:

® The modern Barbie doll is realistically detailed. All that’s missing are the armpit scars.

® According to Austrian folklore, Hitler’s missing testicle was reincarnated as Schwarzenegger’s extra chromosome.

® The whole immigration issue has gotten people riled up. If things intensify, Steve Poizner might get beaten with a bag of oranges.

® Cop: “What gives you the right to live in Arizona?”
Immigrant: “mmmm….bad taste?”

® Under new policy, teachers are being fired due to the poor performance of their students. After decades of the opposite occurring, students are now fucking their teachers.

® I’ve been playing a drinking game where I’ll take a shot every time Michelle Obama blinks on TV. I’m as sober as a Mormon.

® Hollywood scarlet’s dropping dead in their twenties. What some call a tragic consequence of reckless prescription drug abuse, I call the menopause antidote.

® I saw this commercial where a woman was badmouthing and complaining about her Gynecologist. I can’t help but think that he’s in some doctor’s circle somewhere, badmouthing and complaining about her vagina.

® China is considering lifting its one child per family restriction. In other news, Wal-Mart announced plans to triple their product quota in the next five years.

® I once took a date to a Church’s Chicken in the urban part of town. We weren’t hungry; I just stopped so she could use the bitch’s room.