“Ass” was the fifth word in his sentence in the first sentence of his set. I think the first four were, “ You ever notice somebody’s…?” And just like that, the MC, holding his own mic and sitting off to the side of the stage interrupted and said, “OK, that’s all. Thank you very much. Our next comic coming to the stage…” The comic’s audition was over before he could even tell his first joke. This was at the Laugh Factory here in Hollywood not two months ago. They call it an open mic but it really is an audition. Comics show up at around 2:30 in the afternoon to wait in line until 5:00 to try to get the first ten to fifteen spots for the following week’s “open mic.” The rules are simple. You get three minutes. The owner watches. If he likes you, you get “passed” to do a showcase. You have to be clean. Apparently, “ass” is dirty not just in the literal sense of the word.

I found it amazing that the owner of a comedy club would deem, “ass” as offensive all the while a billboard in front of his establishment advertised for the movie, “Kick Ass.” I remember marveling at how stringent they were to their cursing rule. To drive the point home further, the following comic, an elderly woman in her sixties, made it all the way through her set without interruption and without cursing. However, her entire set was about fucking men her age and Viagra and the real possibility that her wrinkled pussy could kill a man. But she didn’t curse. Not offensive at all. The thought I had before my set was, they don’t seem to care about content. Just don’t curse. No problem. I’m a pro.

I was about one minute into my set when I did my bit about how Muslims throw their shoes when upset. Here’s the punch line: “…cause in the Muslim culture, throwing your shoes at somebody is the highest form of disrespect you can show another human being. Okay. Where do you think suicide bombing falls on that list of disrespectful things?” I know, gold right? I got about half way into my next sentence when that fucking MC interrupted me. “OK, that’s all. Thank you very much. Our next comic coming to the stage…”

Son-of-a-bitch! I didn’t curse at all and they gave me the hook. I was fuming. As I left the Laugh Factory that evening, I saw a sign on the door. I can’t remember it verbatim but it said something like this, “Due to the incident on November 17, 2006 (Michael Richards meltdown), we here at the Laugh Factory want you to know that we will not condone offensive material regarding race, religion, culture, etc…If at any time you are offended, please let us know…” Because of the Michael Richards incident, the fucking Laugh Factory now wants to put a leash on all the comedy that goes through there. Now you may be thinking that the elderly woman’s comedy was self-deprecating while mine was commentary on a religious group. But really, how would anybody know if I’m Muslim? And it’s not like I was saying that all Muslims are suicide bombers. I was simply telling the truth that, right now, all suicide bombers are fucking Muslim. But that’s neither really here nor there. I don’t need to defend my set. I told you this story to demonstrate what I’ve been seeing as a growing and concerning trend in stand-up comedy; the censorship of comedians to protect the sensibilities of those in the audience who might get offended. Well fuck that shit!

The Laugh Factory is not the only club guilty of censorship. Comedy contests, clubs and rooms all over this country are subscribing more and more to the “clean only” school of comedy. The World Series of Comedy Contest held in Las Vegas has it right there in the entry form. “Not too dirty. When you’re a headliner, you can curse all you want.” A booker recently just told me that she was hesitant to book me because of a set online of me doing seven minutes on religion. It’s not even dirty. It just makes fun of God. Like God can’t take a joke. God made marijuana, birth defects and Tyra Banks for Christ’s sake! If God didn’t like comedy, do you really think She would have created farts? Of course not and do you want to know how I know? She told me while I was high on mushrooms, farting and having sex with conjoined twins.

The purveyors of this clean comedy coalition call themselves righteous for steering up and coming comedians away from the blue material. They think they are doing comics a favor by forcing them to work clean. After all, cruise ships and corporate events don’t pay to hear dick jokes. And that’s all well and good if you got into comedy to work on cruise ships and corporate events. But I didn’t and I don’t think most comics did. And if you got into comedy to do that, you should stay the fuck out of comedy clubs and open up a room in a vegan coffee shop.

Another argument I hear is that it forces a comedian to be funny without having to rely on saying, “fuck” every other word. What a bullshit argument. Do you want to know what forces a comedian to be funny even more than working clean? Silence from the audience, which is exactly what a comedian would get if they say, “fuck” every other word.

I’m going to leave you with this to think about. Who was the first comedian who really made an impression on you? Nine times out of ten, the answer is Carlin or Pryor or Bruce or Murphy and the tenth time you’ll hear Cosby. Okay, I’ll give you Cosby. But my point is that the game changers of stand-up. The ones who really left a mark would never censor themselves. That was the whole idea. Stand-up comedy is THE last bastion of free speech. Be it curse words or content or both, the idea is to get to speak the things that others think but can’t speak for themselves. If that involves a little cursing or the mocking of a group of people then so be it. In a comedy club, the only thing that is offensive is telling the comics what they can and cannot say.