“Find something you love to do and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.” Obviously, the guy who said that never tried a career in Show Business. The fact is, it’s hard to make a living in this town if you’re chasing a dream. It is simple supply and demand. In entertainment, demand is relatively low compared to the supply. Every day in Hollywood, dozens of new people come here with a guitar and a dream, or a joke and a dream, or a script and a dream, and nine times out of ten, all they end up with is a job with an apron and a dream.

“Technically, porn is still acting. I’m so broken.”

I’ve been having employment on the brain lately. Not sure why. Maybe the recession. Maybe the Gulf Oil Spill. Maybe I’m getting to that age where I should start giving a shit about money. Whatever it is, I thought I’d share some thoughts I’ve had recently about the topic of employment.

First of all, I think we can all agree that work sucks. I don’t care what your job is. I don’t care about how you feel about your job. Your job sucks ass and I can prove it to you with one question. Does your company ever recruit? Job fairs? Monster.com? Careerbuilder? Craigslist? If the answer is yes then ding ding ding ding, tell ‘em what they’ve won, Johnny! That’s right, it’s a shitty ass job!!

Two shitty ass jobs.

You see, anything you have to recruit for, inherently, blows goat balls. If it didn’t, people would be lined up to do it. The job, not blowing the goat balls. Corporations, the Military, Religion, if they’re recruiting, bring out the goat. That’s why comedy is so awesome. You’ll never go to a job fair and hear, “Have you ever considered a career in stand-up comedy?” Never, and do you know why you’ll never hear it? Because comedy does not suck. People will volunteer to do it.

Last Comic Standing 1956

How absolutely tragic is it that the unemployment rate still hovers around 10%? That there are educated, skilled, good hearted folks out there with no job and little hope? That everyday, more people are getting laid off and they don’t know how they are going to feed their family? How sad is that? And yet, some guy over at the Coors Light Research and Development team just got a big, fat raise for having the brilliant idea to cut a hole in a beer box and call it a “window.” Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best they can do? Coors Light with windows? “Why the fuck does a fucking beer box need a fucking window?!” I screamed at the Indian kid standing next to me in the liquor store. He didn’t know but his mother did. Apparently, it’s so you can see the mountains on the can turn blue when it’s cold enough to drink. Call me judgmental but if you need your beer to tell you when it is okay to drink then maybe you’re not the type of person who should be drinking alcohol in the first place. You got some things you need to take care of first, like a vasectomy.

Coors reminds you to drink responsibly.

And don’t try to act like this whole temperature sensitive material thing is something new and revolutionary. Did we not learn anything from HyperColor shirts? People don’t give a shit and they won’t buy it. And I’m asking you to not buy it. Fuck those lucky, no talent hacks over at Coors. They need to be relieved of their duty like General Stanley McChrystal.
Speaking of General Stanley McChrystal, this week, the unemployment rate got a little bit higher when President Obama gave ole Stanley his walking papers. Apparently, the man over seeing the war in Afghanistan got fucked up in a bar in Paris with a bunch of commandos and a young reporter from Rolling Stone and decided to reenact the house party scene from “Almost Famous.”

“I am a 5 star Golden God!”

People were shocked to hear a General act so callously on the record and they couldn’t believe he didn’t show more restraint when expressing his opinions of the Obama administration, in particular Vice President Biden. Shocked? Really? Didn’t they know what this guy was? Before being put in charge of the war, Stanley McChrystal was in charge of all Black Ops in the United States Military. What did they think was going to happen? I’ve seen enough of the Bourne movies to know how those guys view authority and we’ve already established that being in the military is a shitty job. So, basically, the White House promoted the real life equivalent of Colonel Trautman to be the voice of the Afghanistan war.

“If you decide to withdraw troops from Afghanistan, don’t forget one thing. A good supply of body bags.”

And then they got mad when he spoke the truth.

“You want me in that sand. You need me in that sand!”

Of course this is nothing new. These days, countries are no different than corporations. In the effort to maintain an impossible veil of competence, the right person for the job is often cast aside to make room for the person who says all the right things. Even if what’s being said is total bullshit or Coors Light with windows.