Why don’t bad things happen to good people more often? Rather, why doesn’t the appropriate thing happen to the deserving person more often? Life needs to teach us lessons, no matter how severe, in order for us as a species to evolve.

There was an incident in Connecticut last year (and I’m really on top of it) that bugs me every time it pops into my head. It was a gratuitously violent episode born from human arrogance and ignorance. An attack by an animal, something that may otherwise be considered a predictable part of nature, was triggered by a person doing what people do best- acting like an asshole. No offense to any homo-sapiens that might be reading this, but the poor animal in this story (a trained ape that had a higher I.Q. than two out of the three guys in Green Day) never stood a chance. His primal instincts were no match for her modern retardation. She deserved a healthy dose of ape-shit craziness. Only thing is, it didn’t happen to her and the ape was killed by the pigs (that’s street for police, whitey) in the woods moments after the fifteen minute attack relented.

I’m getting ahead of myself here. In case you missed it in the news or on Nat Geo (that’s street for National Geographic), here’s the skinny. A lonely old lady wanted to bypass the two-dozen cat route that her fellow widows had taken by getting a chimp. The two of them were inseparable for years. One day, surprise, he snaps and starts acting like an… animal. He maliciously shredded apart his owner’s friend. Not a few scratches and bites. He fucking ate her face and shat out her features. Next thing you know, the cops are chasing him through the woods with their firearms drawn, like he was Harrison Ford in The Fugitive. Obviously, the victim didn’t deserve such a bloody fate. The only thing she did wrong was befriending a buffoon.

You see, the owner was just as responsible for the attack transpiring as the chimp was, if not more so. She tried to humanize the critter in a way that wouldn’t be fit for an actual human. Armed with only the power of perception and utter disregard for decency, the dumb bitch decided to pump her dangerous pet full of mind/mood altering drugs. Xanax, to be precise. Apparently, she noticed that her special little guy was exhibiting the symptoms of anxiety. An anxious chimpanzee, ya don’t say. Isn’t this the same animal that breaks from turrets screeches only to fling hand full’s of feces at anything that is not yet covered in feces? The same animal that displays dominance over a fellow adolescent male by ripping his foe’s ape junk off with his bare hands…talk about cock blocking. The very same creature is showing signs of anxiety? God bless you for noticing. Your faceless friend would thank you too, but post-accident, she can’t open what used to be her mouth without important stuff falling out. The chimp, let’s call him Travis, because that’s his name, drank wine for years with no ill effects. As soon as he started popping pills, it was the beginning of the end. Just like most teenage school shooters, he had a head full of anti-feeling drugs and he snapped violently on the innocent. Side effects may include face consumption.

It’s atypical of mankind to try to meddle with nature. Attempt to fix or improve it with the man made poisons that we desensitize ourselves with. It amazes me that so many parents fail to see how detrimental that shit is for their children, but to give fist full’s of psych meds to a potentially dangerous animal; I don’t see how that’s even legal. Granted, a lot of the testing is done on animals and the rest of the test subjects are poor people. The F.D.A. views them as one in the same. I guess what I find most frustrating about this incident is that it speaks volumes about how warped peoples sensibilities have become.

We’re a nation of dope hating drug addicts. People actually believe the pills that turns their kids into slobbering drones is medication. The worst thing in the World would be for little Tyler to smoke a joint at a party with his friends, even though Mommy has been redirecting his brain signals since he was nine and he would become restless on long trips. Lazy parenting has a lot to do with how deep the pockets of the drug companies in this Country have become. It’s unsettling to walk into a Doctor’s office and see Pfizer stickers plastered all over the donated equipment and supplies. Drugs that fuck us up more than our alleged ailment ever could are crammed down our throats and some of us can’t get enough. The commercials are frightening. Are people really willing to die in order to sleep better or pee less often?

When will America awake from its chemical induced slumber? If a teenager whacking his teachers and fellows students doesn’t wave a red flag, what will? Perhaps eyes would open up a little wider if one of these drugged little shits stayed home from school and ate Mommy’s face for fifteen minutes before ripping Daddy’s scrotum (Junior’s former home) off with his bare hands.

Stop popping pills, America. You’re better than that. I’ll wrap it up now, the Vicodin is starting to wear off.