Every year in the summer, during the lull of excitement between the NBA finals and the NFL season kick off, the Discovery channel quenches our thirst for exciting television with Shark Week. Have you been watching? I know I have. I’ve never missed a Shark Week since its inception many years ago. From the terrifyingly awesomeness of Air Jaws to the terrifyingly comedic Shark Attack Survival Guide, I catch ‘em all. So I thought I would use this column to give my tribute to my favorite week of summer television.

First, I would just like to take the time to mention that I am terrified of sharks. Always have been. Always will be. To me, the worst way to die, other than being beheaded by terrorists on YouTube, would be to be eaten alive by a shark. (And the terrorist thing is simply because I know it would get more hits than my stand-up)

Speaking of terrorists, I’ll be bombing tomorrow night at the Comedy Store…

People have tried to suggest to me that being eaten alive by any animal would be horrific and that I should be equally scared of any such carnage. Nope. Becoming lunch for a lion or bear or a pack of wolves would definitely suck, but it would pale in comparison to being attacked by Jaws for one simple reason; drowning. That’s right. When you get killed by a shark, not only do you have to deal with the fact that you’re being consumed like prime rib at a Hometown Buffet, you’re also drowning. It’s like the worst buy one get one free you could imagine. In addition to that little factoid, you also get the nightmarish dissatisfaction of knowing that your last thought would be, “I could have totally avoided this.” Let’s face it, we don’t belong in the ocean. Been that way for a few million years now, I suspect. So do the math, eaten alive + drowning + knowing that a trip to Vegas would have been a much smarter way to take a vacation = worst way to go, EVER.

If I make it back from this god damned honeymoon, I’m divorcing that bitch.

Still, I love to watch.

All of the programs they throw at us during Shark Week are gold, but if I had to pick a favorite, it would be the Survival Guide programs. The ones where a former Green Beret or Navy Seal jumps into shark infested waters to demonstrate how to “stay alive” in certain scenarios. Because it is well documented that our military’s special ops units go through extensive “punch evasion through nose impact of shark” training. Or “PENIS school” for you military types. This year, I found out what to do if my boat explodes at sea and all I have to survive is a beer cooler and an empty Fuji water bottle. Apparently, I’m supposed to use the empty bottle as goggles to see the harmless non-maneater reef sharks swim below me for about five minutes, then I’m supposed to get picked up by my camera crew. And not panic. That is the theme of any survival training, “Don’t panic.” That’s great and all. But to really convey the message and teach the lesson, I’d like to watch him not panic with some great whites in the water with him.

How about now? Can I panic now? It feels like I should be panicking now.

There seems to be a rule in television programming; making sense makes no sense when it comes to ratings. And the execs over at the Discovery Channel know this all too well. One hour of programming describes terrifying shark attacks in unlikely places, like Catalina Island (Did you know there are fucking great whites there that will eat you?) and rivers. (Did you know that man eating bull sharks can swim up stream in fresh water rivers and eat you?) They show these programs with voice over narration so ominous and terrifying that they make Quint from Jaws seem like a card carrying member for Greenpeace.

Remember, don’t panic.

Then they show a program with a bunch of hippie marine biologists talking about how misunderstood these beautiful creatures are and how we shouldn’t fear them. Well fuck that noise. I’m going to go ahead and fear them and I won’t go in the ocean and I won’t go on some shark killing spree. How’d that be? That sound good to you, Chief? But by all means, you keep getting in the water with these swimming flesh blenders and you keep giving me a great week of television during the summer. I’ll keep watching.