I attended the 2010 Hemp Con this weekend. Here are some notes I took.

Saturday, 12:15 p.m. – There seem to be a lot of people with legal causes here. “Legalize marijuana! Yes on Prop 19!” I’m no conservative but it is difficult to take your political stance on the benefits of the legalization of marijuana seriously when you’re wearing a t-shirt with an Adidas logo in the shape of a marijuana plant and “addicted” is printed below it. Don’t talk to me about taxes when it’s clear you haven’t paid them in years, Moon Child. And Jesus Christ, man, try some Visine and Altoids before you hop on your soapbox with me.

Saturday, 2:27 p.m. – They have every conceivable way to ingest pot here. Candy, cookies, beer, you name it. They have it. I was just given a couple of free pot brownie samples. I’ll eat them now. They probably “watered down” the concentration of weed given that they’re free samples. Probably won’t do much.

Saturday, 3:15 p.m. – This is like a circus here. Every demographic is represented. The hippies, the rappers, the burn outs, the bikers. Haven’t seen any NBA players yet but it’s still early. I think those brownies are starting to kick in. This is probably as high as I’m gonna get.

Saturday, 4:04 p.m. – Just had a thought; chicks with gang tattoos are hot. Again, it’s a commitment thing. Dudes with gang tattoos scare me but chicks with gang tattoos? That excites me. Unless it’s a fat chick with gang tattoos. Then it goes back to scary. I think I’m getting fucked up here.

Saturday, 5:42 p.m. – Holy shit, those brownies were strong. Haven’t been this high since that Ice-T concert.

Saturday, 6:19 p.m. – Got the munchies like a motherfucker. Lot’s of food vendors here but for some reason I’m craving a Big Mac and an apple pie. I think I saw a McDonalds down the street. Do McDonalds signs have an apostrophe? Before I go, I’m going to eat a couple more brownies.

Saturday, 6:55 p.m. – Just got back from McDonald’s. Yes, there is an apostrophe. Told my friend about the bitchy chick at the counter who was bitter, angry and had terrible customer service. The first thing he asked was, “Black chick?” Yep. Stereotypes are funny.

Saturday, 8:05 p.m. – Had a funny idea for a joke but by the time I wrote, “Rape can be funny…” I forgot the rest. Holy Christ, I’m high.

Saturday, 9:12 p.m. – Had to get outta there. Too much going on for my fragile psyche right now. My friend and I are posted up at this little bar. Just a few people here. Why are they playing dance music?

Saturday, 9:57 p.m. – More people are coming in this bar by the minute. Lots of dudes. At least there is now a go-go dancer in front of us at the bar for our enjoyment. Adding a little beer buzz to this high. Contemplating existence. That’s how I know I’m in the pocket.

Saturday, 10:27 p.m. – Wow, I’m so fucked up, I didn’t realize this was a gay bar. You would think the amount of dudes in here would have been an indicator. This is a college town after all. Never realized until now how fraternity guys dress just like homos.

Saturday, 10:36 p.m. – Just about shat myself when my friend went to put a dollar in the go-go dancer’s mini shorts and she gave him a fist bump and said, “Good lookin’ out, nigga.” But in a man’s voice. Jesus, the only chick here is the bouncer.

Saturday, 11:17 p.m. – Observation: If you’re a transvestite, it’s probably not in your best interest to lift weights. I’m lookin’ at a tranny in front of me that looks like s/he just got done with P90X. Tony Horton in a mini dress is not a turn on – for anybody.

Saturday, 11:42 p.m – Just left the gay bar. Couldn’t take it anymore. Got hit on by a guy who looked like one of those fashion judges on Bravo. It was bitter sweet. Sweet in the sense that it is flattering to get hit on by anybody. Bitter in that it was the first time anybody has hit on me in years.

Saturday, 12:02 a.m. – Jesus, where is the after party? All of these tradeshows are supposed to have after parties. I guess a weed after party is just a bunch of people sitting on a couch, eating Ben and Jerry’s and watching the Discovery channel.

Saturday, 12:17 a.m. – Fuck it. I’m going to bed. I’m stoned and buzzed and just realized that heterosexual males are not as dominant as we’d like to believe. Take a couple of straight guys and put them in a gay bar and all of a sudden we turn into bitches. “I’m going to the bathroom.” “Wait for me, I’ll go with you. I don’t feel safe here.”
Saturday, 12:28 a.m. – What a day. Hemp Con was cool. I think I’ll vote yes on Prop 19. But not for the taxes and all that political bullshit. I like getting high. Yes We Cannabis! I just thought of that right now.