Wow, things have really gotten serious around here, haven’t they? If you’ve been reading the columns and the comments on this site with any regularity, you would probably have mistaken this comedy site for an actual news site. Let’s recap.

August 17, 2010 Got Talent? Can America Even SPOT Talent?: The Eric Somers rails against contemporary television programming, citing reasons like ineptitude and nepotism for the lack of quality programming. For the record, The Eric Somers really likes Seinfeld.

August 18, 2010 Obese City: Mike Fellows rails against the obesity epidemic that is destroying America’s arteries. The “advertisement-fueled media” is the primary culprit, hawking their high fructose corn syrup laced goodies for all the junk food junkies residing on couches all over the land.

August 19, 2010 The First Rule of Omelette Making: I hypothesize that the downward trajectory of our popular culture is a direct result of a collective “fuck it” attitude which has descended on our populous. The comment section gets weird as philosophy turns into politics and being told that I should be a politician sends me into a severe depression for the next 72 hours.

August 24, 2010 Working It Out Onstage: The Eric Somers shares his 80/20 rule on polished material vs. new material for comics doing bringer shows. The piece is light and insightful until the comment section turns into a petty battle of whether or not my blow job jokes were polished. They were.

August 26, 2010 Truth Hurts…So, Good!: I try to convince readers that I’m not an angry comic. Rather, I simply try to tell the truth. Then I go on two rants about the housing market and Mothers Against Drunk Driving which come across as very angry.

August 31, 2010 My Most Disturbing Column Yet: The Eric Somers, following the trend of negativity, writes his most disturbing column yet. No mention of Seinfeld in this one.

September 10, 2010 Yee Haw Jihad: Commenting on the absurdity of Pastor Terry Jones’ plan to burn the Qu’ran on the anniversary of 9/11 ignites a heated religious debate between myself and SantaAnitaKid (Heavy Hitters’ most fervent reader) In a drunken attempt to be bold and edgy, I offer my address and telephone number in the comment section daring any “insane” person to call and chat. I get called by SantaAnitaKid that afternoon. Draw your own conclusions. (Nothing but love, SantaAnitaKid)

September 14, 2010 Making Light of Darkness: The Eric Somers gives a lengthy list of topics he does not joke about because he does not like to laugh at suffering. Coincidentally, his list is basically my entire set list.

So what is my point? Why have I given synopses of columns listed on this site for the past month? Columns which you could have just clicked on and read for yourselves? Why am I doing this? Why do I keep asking myself questions? Filler maybe?

I guess I just felt that things were getting a little serious on this here site and just wanted to comment on it and remind everybody that this is comedy. It doesn’t have a real definition. It has no rules. It has no taboos. Funny is funny. It doesn’t matter if it is a dick joke or a Dick Cheney joke.

I can romanticize it by saying all the clichés we’ve already heard. It is the comedian’s job to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. Comedy makes the tragedy of life more bearable. Comedians are the truth tellers of the world. All that stuff we’ve all read before and gives each comedian a nice chubby every time he or she hears it. Cause female comedians can get chubbies too, FYI. I can say all those things but that would be taking this too serious again. So instead, I will list some jokes I have always found funny. Some are harmless. Some are racist. Some are sexist. But they are all funny to me and I just thought we could use some more laughs. Enjoy!

Your mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and they told her, “Sorry, no professionals.”

A monkey is sitting on a tree limb, smoking a joint. A lizard walks up to him and says, “Hey monkey, can I hit that joint?” The monkey says, “Sure.” So they sit on the tree limb and get high together. After a little while the lizard says, “Man, I’m so high. I got the worst cotton mouth. I’m going to get a drink of water.” As the lizard goes down to the river to get a drink, he sees a crocodile. The crocodile says, “Hey lizard, what’s up?” The lizard says, “Oh man, I was just getting high with monkey.” Croc says, “Can I get some of that?” Lizard says, “Sure, just go up to the tree and ask the monkey.” So the crocodile heads up to the tree to smoke with the monkey. When he gets there, the monkey looks down and says, “Duuude! How much water did you drink??!!”

What do you call 200 white men chasing a black man? The PGA tour.

What’s the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn’t follow you around after you drop your load in it.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Polish Joke…

” The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: “Before you go telling that joke you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers” “Okay” says the customer,”I’ll tell it very slowly.”

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. ‘In English’, he said, ‘A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.’ A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’

Why doesn’t Mexico do well in the Olympic Games? Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is in the United States.

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking through a park when they see a ten year old boy. The Priest says, “Hey, let’s go fuck that kid.” The Rabbi says, “Out of what?”
There you go. And remember, let’s keep it positive.