Ontario Reign

Now I am going to expose myself. Well not in the way perverts would like but I am going to put it out into the world that one of my many gigs is as a minor league mascot for the ECHL. The East Coast Hockey League has a “AA” Minor League Affiliate for the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings Hockey Club in Ontario, California.

This is my second season as “Blaze” the Dragon, one of the 2 mascots for The Ontario Reign who play at Citizens Business Bank Arena in the Inland Empire. It’s a nice 1 hour train ride from Union Station on The Metrolink Train. (Shout out to METRO, a sponsor for Kings at Staples Center)

I am also the In-Arena Host for the KINGS. Which means I am the guy who makes appearances on the jumbotron during the games. One of my mom’s friends asked me “what do I do at the games?” I said “I’m the guy up on the jumbotron.” She looked dumbfounded and said “on the jumbotron? How do you get up there?” After a quick smirk I said ”well I do have a repelling harness under my Blazer for all home games.”

Back to the mascots! Some people wonder what a dragon and a knight have to do with the Rain but I have to explain it’s R-E-I-G-N as in Reign over a kingdom. The Dark Knight and Blaze (me) , who where named by the fans, entertain the fans and always get into trouble. The guy who brings the Dark Knight character to life has told me how likes to talk trash to the other team’s players when he skates out during the opening with the Reign flag at center Ice. He has told me that he loves it when players say they are going kick his ass. I’ve been the dragon for almost 100 games and never mingled with the players cause I’m always trying to mess with the kids or dance to the music being played by our DJ TOMMY.

Last week The Reign took on The Utah Grizzlies team which is an affiliate for The New York Islanders and Calgary Flames. I have been waiting for my chance to mess with someone and I found the right guy and pushed the right buttons. During our pre-game staff meeting with our Game Entertainment Crew one of our Reign Ice Girls told me that she heard one of the players for Utah (#71) is dating a girl named Pumpkin who was on one of the seasons of Flava Of Love. The girl who Spit on another girl named NEW YORK! I like to think of myself as an opportunist so I had to say… Yeaaaaaaaah Boooooooyyyyyeeeeee! Don’t … Don’t … Don’t Believe the Hype! Bass in Your Face!

This weekend was on of our marathon weekends with 3 games in a row, Friday Saturday and Sunday. So I might lose up to 7.2 pounds of sweat in one weekend if I don’t drink beer. It’s like to doing BIKRAM Yoga inside that dragon suit.

Now I wanted to take advantage of this insider information and plan my attack strategically. It was time to create signs to upset and disrupt this #71 so bad he won’t be able to focus on the game.
Before the Friday game one of the Reign Ice girls made a “Where is Pumpkin?” sign and made me a Huge Flava Flav clock to hand around Blaze’s neck “Fight The Power”. Not knowing this would be such a sore spot I went onward.

The game started and during the 2nd period I wore the clock around my dragon neck and walked the main concourse. Most fans were not aware of the connection with Flava Flav and this game but the response was awesome. People saw me and would just yell “FLAVA FLAV!” and “YEAH BOYYYYYEEE” and pump their wrists in awkward directions at the sky or towards their crotch.
Then the hockey gods granted my wish and the officials called a high Sticking Penalty on #71 and he landed in the penalty box for 2:00. The dark Knight and Blaze quickly sprang into action. There are two fans who sit right next to the box who bring small sarcastic signs like “Welcome to the Crying Room”. Then I showed him my clock and made some silly poses. He noticed and simply shuck his head in dismay ad breathed heavy in and out of his nose. It was my first encounter with a player from the other team besides this guy Hunt who the dark Knight always messes with.
The next night it was pouring rain (not Reign) and I rode my skateboard four blocks from the train station to the arena and was drenched by my arrival which made me miss the pre-game meeting. One of the Red Jacket CBBA security guards said that #71 had stopped by and saw the Pumpkin sign in one of our Game Entertainment rooms. He asked if there was going to be any new signs for him tonight? In my world, that’s just asking for it.

I had to come up with a sign that would push this guy over the proverbial edge. I was praying for him to spend some time in the penalty box that night.
During this game there was to be a wedding on the ice during the first intermission after a wedding expo took place in the arena earlier. There was a photo booth from Red Cheese photo Booth Rentals left over from the expo on the main concourse to mess around with so the Dark Knight and Blaze had some new headshots taken!

After the silly wedding took place the second period started. In this period not only did it effect his team but when #71 got another penalty and landed right back in the box it was a time of reckoning for his smart ass comment about making another sign. The Dark Knight and Blaze both headed straight for the penalty box and I showed him the new sign.

It read, “#71 is dating a diva who kissed FLAVA FLAV!” He was not happy about the sign or the fact that I put it up on the wall for everyone in the building to see.
Then more exciting action during the second intermission took place. While I was ATV riding and dancing out on the ice #71 was in the visitor’s locker room breaking things. From the story I got from our trainer I learned he broke a lamp and some ceiling tiles because of the sign I made. Awesome!

Then the Red Jacket security guard told me he came out of the locker room and stormed down the hallway looking for me. This guy was angry. Who does he think he is Prince Fielder?
On any given Sunday most of the building staff are usually telling me the things I cannot do in the arena and they forget that I am a mascot and I am supposed to be silly and cause trouble. But this evening the staff was coming to my rescue and most of them in the area were genuinely concerned for my well-being as if this guy was really going to hurt me.
I say bring it on. If I can get into to this semi-pro athlete’s head that easy then let him come after me and I’ll collect the check if he tries to hurt me. Then the Utah Grizzlies could one day be the jay Flat’s Grizzlies!

I wasn’t rattled and went on with my business as usual. I finished the game and took a long needed shower. We won our 5th straight game in style and I felt like I was apart of the victory. Not only did I get the crowd all hyped up but I also distracted one of their aggressive players.

I was actually hoping our Coach Karl Taylor would come and thank me but that’s just a boyish dream.

Shortly after the game was over a few of the disappointed Utah players were walking down the hall including #71. I don’t know how he knew I was Blaze but he looked right at me from the hallway and said, “$25 is worth kicking your butt”. I had no idea there was a price on my head, but apparently he was fined by the team for breaking things in our locker room. Yeah Boyyyyeeee!
Then only a few minutes later I was walking out with my fellow Game Entertainment Crew Members. As we walked to the top of the ramp behind the arena we see #71 is at the top with a few of his fellow teammates.

As I skate towards him he decides to keep the altercation going. He then says, “You mad a sign about me and you ride a skateboard, what a loser”.

I wish I was brave enough to this this…”First off I make more money than you and secondly I also work for the NHL which is more than you’ll ever be able to say” But I was the better man and kept going without a response. I had my victory when the Reign won their 5th straight game! I hope we meet these guys in the playoffs! FLAAAAAAVA FLAAAAAV!!!!!

GO REIGN GO!

NASA

As I near my 10 years living in the City of Angels I have had some minor television success. When I travel home to Connecticut (The Constitution State) I always run into friends from my past who are still doing what they were when I left New England Long ago.

Now I have had some people tell me they wish they could do what I am doing. Which is pursuing my dreams and not settling for a 9-5 career. Now stories of my adventures out in La La land have made it back home from time to time and they seem to get a little askew. The last time I went home I stopped into “The Ground Round” restaurant in Downtown Groton,Ct.

When I ordered my food a buddy of mine from behind the bar noticed me and said “holy shit Flats it’s good to see you man!” it took me a second to realize it was one of my old buddies from Pee-Wee football. The Groton-Mystic Youth Football League to be exact.

He leaned in and said” I think it’s so cool you ended up working for N.A.S.A.”

I was totally thrown off by his assumption but quickly realized that some how one of my adventures had been messed up.

He heard I was an astronaut. No lie. Straight up. He was at a party and heard “Jay Flats is a fucking astronaut”

Now the details can come clear.

A few years ago I played Neil Armstrong on an episode of ‘Expeditions to The Edge” on the NatGeo Channel. We re-created the 1966 Gemini 8 Space Mission which happened to be the 1st ever emergency re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere.

I was tempted to tell him the truth but what the hell…I played it off and asked how things were with him?

We had a great time and he introduced me to his co-workers. Should I have told him the truth? Who knows?

I’m just glad I didn’t do a HERPIES commercial! Who know what news might be spreading about me!

Angus Beef

During this time of the year, we can all give thanks and be more generous for what we have. Everyone that gets the holiday spirit should feel like giving those less fortunate a ray of hope with Seasons Greetings. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some folks just don’t get it.

I have been fortunate to work for a local sports team that happens to play hockey at Staples Center in Downtown Los Angeles. While at work one of our promotions gives fans a free Egg McMuffin coupon, if the team scores a goal within the last minute of a period. Last season we had Angus 1/3 LB burger coupons. So, when I would have extra coupons I would do my best to distribute them among my friends and co-workers.

Now back to the season of giving moments… I decided to start handing them out to homeless guys on my way back to the Metro Station. At first most of the homeless people I would run into would be gracious when they’d ask for change and I would hand them an Angus Burger coupon.

“No change, but here’s a free burger coupon,” I would say.

Somehow the spirit of the holidays made me start to lose my faith in humanity.

I gave this one guy a burger coupon and he said, “What the fuck is this?”

I replied with “it’s for a free burger”

He replies reluctantly. “What? Do I have to buy something?”

I tried to remain calm, but this guy is holding me up from my destination. So, I quickly blurt out.

“Just take it to McDonalds and they’ll give you a free burger.”

His response was classic. “What do I do about the fries and the drink?”

“Alright give it back to me, you don’t deserve it”

The Only In L.A. moment happened with a homeless “woman.”

I saw her just outside my Universal City Subway Station across the freeway from my apartment. She said she needed money for food.

So, I kindly say “I don’t have any change, but here is an Angus Burger Coupon for a free burger at McDonalds”

She looks at me with her dirty homeless stare and says “What am I supposed to do with that? I’m a vegetarian.”

Really? “Those are the choices you’re making as a homeless person?

Since she was a vegetarian, I told her to eat the card!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

Taurus

So last night  I’m at a Halloween party and I run into my least favorite kinda girl in Los Angeles. The girl who thinks she knows everything about astrology. I am not one to believe that the day you are born really has some merit or can dictate what kind of person you’re gonna be for the rest of your life. She was a friend of a friend and I was told she was recently single. I know why that is. Not a shocker.

I said something remotely funny about something irrelevant and she was within earshot to turn and give a fake giggle. “Oh my god, that’s soooooooo funny.’ she blurted out and followed with “what’s your sign?”

I attempted to just tell her “I’m a” then I was rudely interrupted with “wait, let me guess”

Here we F IN go.

“You’re a scorpio.” I shake my head no. “Leo?” no. “Aries?” no. “Well you’re not a Capricorn, right?? no. “Not a Libra, not a Libra?” no. “Virgo?” no. “No way you are a Cancer. no way.” no. “Sagittarius?” no.

After this 5 minute debacle I disrupt her idiotic rant. “I’m a Taurus!”

‘Oh my god, you’re suuuuuuuuuuch a Taurus!” She said with a confident smile. “But we’re not gonna get along cause you’re a Taurus!”

I replied with my sarcastic response “We’re not gonna get along, cause you’re an idiot”

She was not a fan of this and she attempted to throw her drink in my face. I was to quick, she totally missed and soaked the expensive drapes that were behind me.

She then stormed off and her ugly BFF followed her.

I said “Wait, where you going?” then turned to my buddy. ‘ F IN Geminis”

God Bless Australia

Over the past week I have had the privilege of hanging out with a beautiful and talented actress from Australia. We met at “The Den Of Hollywood”, a cool new bar on Sunset across from “Chateau Marmont”. My oldest California friend CASEY opened it up a few months ago!

She was looking for a place to go for Stand-Up Comedy and I happened to be hosting in the Belly Room at “The Comedy Store” that night. After the show we returned to “THE Den” and continued to get to know each other. This where she told me her only in Los Angeles Story. She had recently received bruises and a hand injury at one the most common places in L.A. for a young lady to get hurt while in The City of Angeles. She had the bull riding experience at “The Saddle Ranch Chop House”. I believe she survived cause of the alcohol! She showed me the recent bruises and some awesome scars from a motor bike accident in Thailand that sidelined her from walking for 7 months. The story telling has only begun.

This evening she was leaving her acting class and headed towards my place on her bike from North Hollywood. She called and lost reception quickly. Then I got a text message ‘I was just hit by a car. I am OK a little shaken. Can you meet me at the Universal Station?” I was like a superhero on my skateboard and flew out the door. I sped down to the station to find this poor girl slowly riding up the escalator with her scraped hands and bent front wheel. She said she was ok and i took the bike from her and walked her to my place. She told me she just couldn’t get out of the way from the car and she went tumbling onto the sidewalk. I told her maybe she shouldn’t travel outside of Australia cause she just keeps getting injured. After a few Vodka Screwdrivers she told me the funniest thing about the whole experience. “At least it was a Maserati that hit me.” God I love this town! ( FOR KT)