Truth Hurts…So, Good!

Since I started doing comedy four years ago, I have been called an angry person on numerous occasions. Sometimes it is complementary, like after a rant on stage. Other times it is an accusation, like after a rant on stage. It strikes me as funny because up until I started speaking into a microphone, “angry” would be the last word somebody would use to describe me. “Smart?” Sure. “Funny?” Sometimes. “Alcoholic?” Occasionally. But never “angry.” The thing is I’m not an angry person. Sure I have hate and cynicism enter my thoughts on a daily basis, but honestly, don’t we all? Don’t you find yourself thinking things to yourself that you would normally never say aloud? For whatever reason, be it political correctness, etiquette or job security, people generally cannot freely speak what they think, even though we’ve all been raised to speak the truth. What they should have told us as kids was, “Try to speak the truth. However, if you do, many people might consider it angry, rude or judgmental. But truthfully speaking, those people are just assholes who have never been honest with themselves a day in their life and they’ll probably live a miserable life and die an uneventful death. Now go outside and play, ‘lil tiger!”

After several grueling seconds of contemplating what type of comedian I am, I have come to the conclusion that I am not an angry comic. I have a lot of fun on stage. What I try to do is tell the truth and sometimes that truth comes across as anger. So with that caveat, let’s talk about some truth.

Am I the only one that feels really good about this housing market? I can’t begin to tell you how much it pleases me to see these people on the news complain that their house is under foreclosure. “All the banks get a bailout but I don’t get any money? Where’s my bailout? How come I don’t get any money?” I’ll tell you why you don’t get any money. Cause you’re a fucking idiot. You bought a half million dollar home with zero down? You work at Auto Zone, dipshit. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think there would be a sudden shift in the market place and all of a sudden we were going to have a surge in demand for fuzzy dice and hubcaps? You get nothing but what you deserve, asshole.

Realtors are to the housing market what pimps are to 3rd world hookers. They’re greedy, unwanted and serve only to inflate the price of pest infested boxes.

For years I sat by in my rented apartment and watched greedy, impulsive fucktards make a killing for doing nothing. Buy a house. Wait six months. Sell it at a huge profit. “Let’s flip this house! I’m so smart. I flip houses. Real estate always goes up! I’m a goddamned genius. Look at me. Look at my Mercedes! Look at my chai latte! I’m so smart! Look at the TV in my car! It has a TV! I flip houses! Look at me!” And look at ‘em now. Maybe instead of a TV, they should have installed a shower in their car cause it looks like they’re gonna be living in it.
So sad. So true. So funny.

I’m growing tired of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Here is another group of people who don’t want to acknowledge the truth. Drunk drivers don’t kill people. Bad drivers kill people. Drunk drivers just pay the inflated insurance premiums. Don’t sit there and tell me that buzzed driving is drunk driving. It can be argued that driving buzzed is better than driving sober. Ever seen a buzzed person drive? It is the epitome of focus. You can’t even change the radio station in a buzzed person’s car. “Don’t fucking touch it! You’re distracting me! Do you know how much it is going to cost me if I get pulled over right now?! Well do you?!” Compare that with the average asshole boning out down the 101 at 90 miles per hour, texting on a cell phone, looking at their GPS, sipping on a cappuccino and searching for Lady Ga Ga on their ipod.

Now I’m not saying that everybody should get wasted and hop behind the wheel. If you’re too drunk to walk then you’re too drunk to drive. But get the fuck out of here with that .08 bullshit. That’s like 4 beers. I took my S.A.T’s with a.08.

And don’t try to tell me that all this is in the name of protecting life. If Mothers Against Drunk Driving were only interested in saving lives, they would take the $50 million dollars a year they raise and invest it in autopilot cars. Problem solved. But they wouldn’t do anything that fucking dumb because it would put them out of business. And that’s exactly what it is, a business.

The truth is, MADD is just another interest group that uses bullshit PR scare campaigns to raise more money to influence more legislation to lower the legal limit to bust more responsible drinkers to get more money to pay their inflated salaries and expand their political power. What a bunch of cunts.

I probably wouldn’t care so much if they just told the truth.

Anyway, that’s all I have time for this week.

I hope it didn’t come off as angry. It’s just me telling my truth.

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