Ontario Reign

Now I am going to expose myself. Well not in the way perverts would like but I am going to put it out into the world that one of my many gigs is as a minor league mascot for the ECHL. The East Coast Hockey League has a “AA” Minor League Affiliate for the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings Hockey Club in Ontario, California.

This is my second season as “Blaze” the Dragon, one of the 2 mascots for The Ontario Reign who play at Citizens Business Bank Arena in the Inland Empire. It’s a nice 1 hour train ride from Union Station on The Metrolink Train. (Shout out to METRO, a sponsor for Kings at Staples Center)

I am also the In-Arena Host for the KINGS. Which means I am the guy who makes appearances on the jumbotron during the games. One of my mom’s friends asked me “what do I do at the games?” I said “I’m the guy up on the jumbotron.” She looked dumbfounded and said “on the jumbotron? How do you get up there?” After a quick smirk I said ”well I do have a repelling harness under my Blazer for all home games.”

Back to the mascots! Some people wonder what a dragon and a knight have to do with the Rain but I have to explain it’s R-E-I-G-N as in Reign over a kingdom. The Dark Knight and Blaze (me) , who where named by the fans, entertain the fans and always get into trouble. The guy who brings the Dark Knight character to life has told me how likes to talk trash to the other team’s players when he skates out during the opening with the Reign flag at center Ice. He has told me that he loves it when players say they are going kick his ass. I’ve been the dragon for almost 100 games and never mingled with the players cause I’m always trying to mess with the kids or dance to the music being played by our DJ TOMMY.

Last week The Reign took on The Utah Grizzlies team which is an affiliate for The New York Islanders and Calgary Flames. I have been waiting for my chance to mess with someone and I found the right guy and pushed the right buttons. During our pre-game staff meeting with our Game Entertainment Crew one of our Reign Ice Girls told me that she heard one of the players for Utah (#71) is dating a girl named Pumpkin who was on one of the seasons of Flava Of Love. The girl who Spit on another girl named NEW YORK! I like to think of myself as an opportunist so I had to say… Yeaaaaaaaah Boooooooyyyyyeeeeee! Don’t … Don’t … Don’t Believe the Hype! Bass in Your Face!

This weekend was on of our marathon weekends with 3 games in a row, Friday Saturday and Sunday. So I might lose up to 7.2 pounds of sweat in one weekend if I don’t drink beer. It’s like to doing BIKRAM Yoga inside that dragon suit.

Now I wanted to take advantage of this insider information and plan my attack strategically. It was time to create signs to upset and disrupt this #71 so bad he won’t be able to focus on the game.
Before the Friday game one of the Reign Ice girls made a “Where is Pumpkin?” sign and made me a Huge Flava Flav clock to hand around Blaze’s neck “Fight The Power”. Not knowing this would be such a sore spot I went onward.

The game started and during the 2nd period I wore the clock around my dragon neck and walked the main concourse. Most fans were not aware of the connection with Flava Flav and this game but the response was awesome. People saw me and would just yell “FLAVA FLAV!” and “YEAH BOYYYYYEEE” and pump their wrists in awkward directions at the sky or towards their crotch.
Then the hockey gods granted my wish and the officials called a high Sticking Penalty on #71 and he landed in the penalty box for 2:00. The dark Knight and Blaze quickly sprang into action. There are two fans who sit right next to the box who bring small sarcastic signs like “Welcome to the Crying Room”. Then I showed him my clock and made some silly poses. He noticed and simply shuck his head in dismay ad breathed heavy in and out of his nose. It was my first encounter with a player from the other team besides this guy Hunt who the dark Knight always messes with.
The next night it was pouring rain (not Reign) and I rode my skateboard four blocks from the train station to the arena and was drenched by my arrival which made me miss the pre-game meeting. One of the Red Jacket CBBA security guards said that #71 had stopped by and saw the Pumpkin sign in one of our Game Entertainment rooms. He asked if there was going to be any new signs for him tonight? In my world, that’s just asking for it.

I had to come up with a sign that would push this guy over the proverbial edge. I was praying for him to spend some time in the penalty box that night.
During this game there was to be a wedding on the ice during the first intermission after a wedding expo took place in the arena earlier. There was a photo booth from Red Cheese photo Booth Rentals left over from the expo on the main concourse to mess around with so the Dark Knight and Blaze had some new headshots taken!

After the silly wedding took place the second period started. In this period not only did it effect his team but when #71 got another penalty and landed right back in the box it was a time of reckoning for his smart ass comment about making another sign. The Dark Knight and Blaze both headed straight for the penalty box and I showed him the new sign.

It read, “#71 is dating a diva who kissed FLAVA FLAV!” He was not happy about the sign or the fact that I put it up on the wall for everyone in the building to see.
Then more exciting action during the second intermission took place. While I was ATV riding and dancing out on the ice #71 was in the visitor’s locker room breaking things. From the story I got from our trainer I learned he broke a lamp and some ceiling tiles because of the sign I made. Awesome!

Then the Red Jacket security guard told me he came out of the locker room and stormed down the hallway looking for me. This guy was angry. Who does he think he is Prince Fielder?
On any given Sunday most of the building staff are usually telling me the things I cannot do in the arena and they forget that I am a mascot and I am supposed to be silly and cause trouble. But this evening the staff was coming to my rescue and most of them in the area were genuinely concerned for my well-being as if this guy was really going to hurt me.
I say bring it on. If I can get into to this semi-pro athlete’s head that easy then let him come after me and I’ll collect the check if he tries to hurt me. Then the Utah Grizzlies could one day be the jay Flat’s Grizzlies!

I wasn’t rattled and went on with my business as usual. I finished the game and took a long needed shower. We won our 5th straight game in style and I felt like I was apart of the victory. Not only did I get the crowd all hyped up but I also distracted one of their aggressive players.

I was actually hoping our Coach Karl Taylor would come and thank me but that’s just a boyish dream.

Shortly after the game was over a few of the disappointed Utah players were walking down the hall including #71. I don’t know how he knew I was Blaze but he looked right at me from the hallway and said, “$25 is worth kicking your butt”. I had no idea there was a price on my head, but apparently he was fined by the team for breaking things in our locker room. Yeah Boyyyyeeee!
Then only a few minutes later I was walking out with my fellow Game Entertainment Crew Members. As we walked to the top of the ramp behind the arena we see #71 is at the top with a few of his fellow teammates.

As I skate towards him he decides to keep the altercation going. He then says, “You mad a sign about me and you ride a skateboard, what a loser”.

I wish I was brave enough to this this…”First off I make more money than you and secondly I also work for the NHL which is more than you’ll ever be able to say” But I was the better man and kept going without a response. I had my victory when the Reign won their 5th straight game! I hope we meet these guys in the playoffs! FLAAAAAAVA FLAAAAAV!!!!!

GO REIGN GO!

NASA

As I near my 10 years living in the City of Angels I have had some minor television success. When I travel home to Connecticut (The Constitution State) I always run into friends from my past who are still doing what they were when I left New England Long ago.

Now I have had some people tell me they wish they could do what I am doing. Which is pursuing my dreams and not settling for a 9-5 career. Now stories of my adventures out in La La land have made it back home from time to time and they seem to get a little askew. The last time I went home I stopped into “The Ground Round” restaurant in Downtown Groton,Ct.

When I ordered my food a buddy of mine from behind the bar noticed me and said “holy shit Flats it’s good to see you man!” it took me a second to realize it was one of my old buddies from Pee-Wee football. The Groton-Mystic Youth Football League to be exact.

He leaned in and said” I think it’s so cool you ended up working for N.A.S.A.”

I was totally thrown off by his assumption but quickly realized that some how one of my adventures had been messed up.

He heard I was an astronaut. No lie. Straight up. He was at a party and heard “Jay Flats is a fucking astronaut”

Now the details can come clear.

A few years ago I played Neil Armstrong on an episode of ‘Expeditions to The Edge” on the NatGeo Channel. We re-created the 1966 Gemini 8 Space Mission which happened to be the 1st ever emergency re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere.

I was tempted to tell him the truth but what the hell…I played it off and asked how things were with him?

We had a great time and he introduced me to his co-workers. Should I have told him the truth? Who knows?

I’m just glad I didn’t do a HERPIES commercial! Who know what news might be spreading about me!

Angus Beef

During this time of the year, we can all give thanks and be more generous for what we have. Everyone that gets the holiday spirit should feel like giving those less fortunate a ray of hope with Seasons Greetings. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some folks just don’t get it.

I have been fortunate to work for a local sports team that happens to play hockey at Staples Center in Downtown Los Angeles. While at work one of our promotions gives fans a free Egg McMuffin coupon, if the team scores a goal within the last minute of a period. Last season we had Angus 1/3 LB burger coupons. So, when I would have extra coupons I would do my best to distribute them among my friends and co-workers.

Now back to the season of giving moments… I decided to start handing them out to homeless guys on my way back to the Metro Station. At first most of the homeless people I would run into would be gracious when they’d ask for change and I would hand them an Angus Burger coupon.

“No change, but here’s a free burger coupon,” I would say.

Somehow the spirit of the holidays made me start to lose my faith in humanity.

I gave this one guy a burger coupon and he said, “What the fuck is this?”

I replied with “it’s for a free burger”

He replies reluctantly. “What? Do I have to buy something?”

I tried to remain calm, but this guy is holding me up from my destination. So, I quickly blurt out.

“Just take it to McDonalds and they’ll give you a free burger.”

His response was classic. “What do I do about the fries and the drink?”

“Alright give it back to me, you don’t deserve it”

The Only In L.A. moment happened with a homeless “woman.”

I saw her just outside my Universal City Subway Station across the freeway from my apartment. She said she needed money for food.

So, I kindly say “I don’t have any change, but here is an Angus Burger Coupon for a free burger at McDonalds”

She looks at me with her dirty homeless stare and says “What am I supposed to do with that? I’m a vegetarian.”

Really? “Those are the choices you’re making as a homeless person?

Since she was a vegetarian, I told her to eat the card!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

Taurus

So last night  I’m at a Halloween party and I run into my least favorite kinda girl in Los Angeles. The girl who thinks she knows everything about astrology. I am not one to believe that the day you are born really has some merit or can dictate what kind of person you’re gonna be for the rest of your life. She was a friend of a friend and I was told she was recently single. I know why that is. Not a shocker.

I said something remotely funny about something irrelevant and she was within earshot to turn and give a fake giggle. “Oh my god, that’s soooooooo funny.’ she blurted out and followed with “what’s your sign?”

I attempted to just tell her “I’m a” then I was rudely interrupted with “wait, let me guess”

Here we F IN go.

“You’re a scorpio.” I shake my head no. “Leo?” no. “Aries?” no. “Well you’re not a Capricorn, right?? no. “Not a Libra, not a Libra?” no. “Virgo?” no. “No way you are a Cancer. no way.” no. “Sagittarius?” no.

After this 5 minute debacle I disrupt her idiotic rant. “I’m a Taurus!”

‘Oh my god, you’re suuuuuuuuuuch a Taurus!” She said with a confident smile. “But we’re not gonna get along cause you’re a Taurus!”

I replied with my sarcastic response “We’re not gonna get along, cause you’re an idiot”

She was not a fan of this and she attempted to throw her drink in my face. I was to quick, she totally missed and soaked the expensive drapes that were behind me.

She then stormed off and her ugly BFF followed her.

I said “Wait, where you going?” then turned to my buddy. ‘ F IN Geminis”

God Bless Australia

Over the past week I have had the privilege of hanging out with a beautiful and talented actress from Australia. We met at “The Den Of Hollywood”, a cool new bar on Sunset across from “Chateau Marmont”. My oldest California friend CASEY opened it up a few months ago!

She was looking for a place to go for Stand-Up Comedy and I happened to be hosting in the Belly Room at “The Comedy Store” that night. After the show we returned to “THE Den” and continued to get to know each other. This where she told me her only in Los Angeles Story. She had recently received bruises and a hand injury at one the most common places in L.A. for a young lady to get hurt while in The City of Angeles. She had the bull riding experience at “The Saddle Ranch Chop House”. I believe she survived cause of the alcohol! She showed me the recent bruises and some awesome scars from a motor bike accident in Thailand that sidelined her from walking for 7 months. The story telling has only begun.

This evening she was leaving her acting class and headed towards my place on her bike from North Hollywood. She called and lost reception quickly. Then I got a text message ‘I was just hit by a car. I am OK a little shaken. Can you meet me at the Universal Station?” I was like a superhero on my skateboard and flew out the door. I sped down to the station to find this poor girl slowly riding up the escalator with her scraped hands and bent front wheel. She said she was ok and i took the bike from her and walked her to my place. She told me she just couldn’t get out of the way from the car and she went tumbling onto the sidewalk. I told her maybe she shouldn’t travel outside of Australia cause she just keeps getting injured. After a few Vodka Screwdrivers she told me the funniest thing about the whole experience. “At least it was a Maserati that hit me.” God I love this town! ( FOR KT)

Flats Force

I met this really hot girl the other night after a friend’s really bad play (but you know you’ve go out  to support). We exchanged numbers and she only waited 30 mins to text me (which I still think is an easy way out of actual communication), but I would take it anyway. I had plenty to drink by the time this took place and I was fortunate the text message exchange went so well.

 She asked “where are you going?”
I responded “I am on a diplomatic mission to Alderran” (Star Wars Reference)

Inside my head I was thinking “no way she’s gonna get this reference, I am such a dork”

She quickly responded with “I’m pretty sure Alderran has been blown up, do you have an alternate plan?”

JACKPOT! She knew it all too well and I was surprised to get this from a really hot girl! (She’s a keeper)

So then I went on with a smooth call and invited her to The Star Wars in Concert at The Nokia Theater at L.A. Live! To my surprise she loved the idea and we met for drinks at The Cantina on Tattooine before the show.

It was an awesome event filled with  Stars Wars nerds young and old (self included).

I was overwhelmed with nostalgia and excitement. I am a huge JOHN Williams fan He is the conductor of the musical arrangements for all the Star Wars music (Jaws,E.T. Superman. Jurassic Park etc.). So I knew the quality of the music we were about to hear. I had no idea that the show would be narrated by none other than C3PO himself Anthony Daniels ( “I am C3PO human cyborg relations”).

During the show my new friend told me to stop making Chewbacca noises. My response was “this is the only concert where making Chewie noises is acceptable! Going to see Beethoven at The Bowl and making Chewie noises would not be looked at kindly but at Star Wars the Concert Bring it on!!! Errghhh wawweeeeeelglglglghghglklkl!

So after the amazing Star Wars Symphony Orchestra and Choir I used my Jedi Mind Trick powers and managed to get my own Princess Leia to handle my light saber in the midst of an intergalactic bed-sheet battle to disrupt the peace in her galaxy that was no longer far far away from my rebel forces.

How was your Wednesday night?

FLATS

Escort on the 405

I have recently had a great exchange with the public as I ride public transportation or traveling commercially.

Over the 9 years I have been in L.A. I have been on tv a few times and done 100′s of live events.

So I was flying back to L.A. from Minnesota one time and I met the cutest little old lady and she tugged on my coast to tell me “I love you on that show”. I wasn’t exactly sure what she was talking about so I simply said “bless your heart”. Somehow not knowing what she was referring to gave me a calming sense that when she got home she told her friends and family “that boy from that show is sooooo nice”.

I have recently been upgraded to the In-Arena host position for The L.A. Kings Hockey Club at Stales Center. (I am the guy on the jumbotron). 

So while riding the train the other night I had a woman approach me and say “hey you’re the guy who does the thing”

My immediate response was”yes I am” Sometimes you’ve just got to own it!

Then while I was driving in traffic the other day there is nothing worse than when you’re car matches the description on the car the police are looking for on the Amber Alert sign.(Only in L.A. Moment) Suddenly you have  your own lane of traffic at 5:30 PM on the 405? People are looking at the folks they commute with and are debating if the car you’re driving really matches the sign. then you realize that you shouldn’t have all those empty Jack Daniels bottles in your trunk next to the dead body you picked up at a swap meet in Cerritios. People will judge you for this…so you pullover at the nearest AMPM cause you know you can never have too much good stuff!

Jay Flats

People always tell me ”you have the craziest jobs”. So while I was a stilt-walker in a tuxedo on a Juicy  Couture Fashion shoot( FALL (2009).” A contortionist asked me why do you wear the ’live strong’ yellow band?” My response was I support the cause and I had the chance to work with Lance on a series of commercials on the Discovery Channel called ‘Race to Replace’ The premise of these commercials was a bike race across the country from Los Angeles to D.C. The winner was named the new captain of the Discovery Race team. In these promos all kinds of Discovery Channel characters were involved. I got the chance to meet Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter before he was taken out by a stingray. We all knew he was not going to from old age in his Australian home. Also I met the guys from Mythbusters and dr. Drew Pinski from Celebrity rehab and Lovelines.
 
My role in this crazy event, I was the grizzly Bear riding a bicycle. You read the words right.
 
My mom’s initial response was “I won’t be able to see your face. How will I know it’s you?” Oh Ginger…
 
This was my first gig where I had my own trailer. It didn’t have my name, it said ’bear’ on the door.
 
The audition process was a riot. Imagine a casting office lobby filled with circus performers, magicians and an unusual array of crazy characters representing the wide variety of Discovery Channel programs. Here is where  the ‘Only in L.A.’ moment comes into play.
 
Out of nowhere I hear a casting director yell “ Are you fucking kidding me? How  hard can it be to find non-union mimes?” I really enjoyed the way the lobby was instantly silenced. Then once we all realized how ridiculous she was laughter spread quickly.
 
So I walk into the audition room. with two other actors with ‘costume character experience’. Now inside this room is where I had my own ‘Darwinism’ moment. (Survival of the fittest)
 
The other two guys got the question wrong asked by the casting director. “Have you ever ridden a bike in a bear suit before?” They both stated they had not but would like to try it. Wrong answer. They asked me the same question. Have you ever ridden a bike in a bear suit? My Academy Award  winning answer…”Oh yeah”. Nailed it! I wanna thank the academy!
 
So the day of the shoot arrives and know one knew my name. The crew would just randomly yell out. “ACTION BEAR” or “we need the bear in 5”.
 
It was raining the first day and the back roads in Calabasas were not safe enough for all the bike riders. So the writers had to be creative. The first spot we shot was inside the food trailer.
 
Lance Armstrong is sitting and eating lunch with the Russian Cycle Team and ask one of them if they think they can win. The rider responds with “Does a bear shit in the woods” in Russian. The camera then pans toi the window where you see a porta-potty in the rain. Inside that ‘Andy Gump’ is me in the grizzly Bear suit listening to a walkie-talkie waiting for the director to yell ”Action Bear”

When I exited and looked around to see if anyone noticed my location and walked away the director said over the radio “fuckin hilarious”.
 
Day 2: After The Rains Fell
 
The sky cleared but the ground was muddy and two crew guys had to wrap my bear feet in black garbage bags. (see pic)
 
Next thing I know I am being put onto a processing trailer which has stationary bikes and the camera will be at an angle to make it appear like we are riding on the road. I get on first followed by Mike Rowe from ”Dirty Jobs” and one of my favorite show of all time ‘deadliest Catch”. 2200 miles southeast of Dutch harbor jay Flats is in a bear suit coming up on string of pots!
 
Then Lance gets on and it’s time to work. I am inside the suit for 45 mins before Mike Rowe dumps fake pig poo on himself to gain an advantage in the race. Then we finally take a break and “you can take off your head bear” is yelled out.
 
I reveal my head and an ’oooooh’ comes from the crew as they see the amount of sweat dripping from my head.
 
I am now face to face with the 7 time Tour de France Champion. I am a little overwhelmed and I blurt out “wow it’s an honor to be riding with you Lance”
 
Lance quickly responds wit “no, it’s an honor to be riding with you bear”
 
Mike Rowe laughs at us and humility instantly kicks in as I smell the liquor on Lance’s breath. He must have been out partying with McConaghy the night before.
 
So if you ever see me sporting the yellow ’Livestrong band’ feel free to yell out “Action Bear!”
 

But I'm Slash...

So every now and then I come across some rock legends living in Living In Los Angeles whether its at my corner store, work or even at my local watering hole..

A few years ago I was working for The Late Late Show Craig Kilborn as an audience coordinator. I decided who got in, who sat where and it was my job to put the hot girls in “babe” row!

This random Wednesday evening we had a special guest from the band ’GUNS N ROSES” the iconic guitarist “SLASH”. I was done filling the audience and headed to the green room to grab my VIP guests. In the hall there he is..”SLASH” Top Hat and all!

Now I see he is smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking Budweiser from a can outside his dressing room. A Security guard is notified about his smoking and  he tells Slash, “you can’t smoke in the CBS building”.

Now with probably the coolest response I’ve ever heard in my life, Slash just takes a slow drag from his butt and says, “but I’m Slash”.

I almost lost it. The security guard just kinda shrugged and said, “OK”, and then walked away. I wish upon a star that some day I’ll be doing something illegal and I can just turn my head and say, “but I’m Flats”.

Los Angeles Times

I went to my local grocery store with my reusable bag and rode my skateboard so I kept my carbon footprint to a minimal. But I had a strange run in with a homeless guy who has been in my neighborhood for a long time. This guy had been bothering the taxpayers and people who work hard for a living for at least 4 consecutive years.

I was sent into shock when he asked me for some change. I pressed pause on my i-pod and said sorry man. When he realized that I recognized him he smiled. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected the shiny new braces on his teeth.

I then asked him “how in the world did u get braces?” he said a dentist needed practice and gave him a free session.

Then I looked down on his feet were a brand new pair of NIKE JORDANS!

“Dude you have better shoes than I do!” he just grinned and started to walk away…

The final straw was when his cell phone went off in his pocket…

He had the nerve to turn away and say ‘Sorry I gotta take this”

WTF is going on in this country?

Props to the dentist for being a good soul but seriously…what the hell is going on?

So I went to the .99 store and bought a cup and poster board and found a good freeway on ramp!

Look for me in action…I have cavities people!

Sunny day, Los Angeles.

While riding along Fairfax I am sitting in between two old people on the 217 bus. Near the front of the bus the seats are reserved for handicapped and the elderly. Most people abide by these rules and head to the back of the bus in order to give their seat to someone who really needs it. On this day as we reach the corner of Fairfax and Beverly near CBS Television City several elderly folk attempt to board the bus. I give up my comfy seats between two older gentlemen for a sweet old grandmother.

I stand and hold the rope like contraption hanging from the horizontal bar above my head. I see that the seats reserved are already full of people as this little old lady from Pasadena (not sure where she was really from but you know the song) boards and only has enough room to stand right up front and hold the vertical pole near the driver. I can see from a distance she has several .99-cent store bags taking her attention away from the actual ride she is on. Then suddenly……………..someone cuts off the bus and the driver is forced to slam on the breaks and come to a screeching stop! The little old lady from Pasadena quickly loses her grip and goes flying forward towards the coin machine next to the driver. The force is so great with this one she actually leaves her feet and crashes like a WWF (I’m old School) wrestler into the turnbuckle.
The gasp for air overcomes the front of the bus as we are all subjected to viewing this scene without time to react. When the bus stops and everyone gathers themselves I leap forward to help this little old lady up. I was scared she was hurt severely. As I raise her to her feet she pulls her hair out of her face and looks me in the eye. I swear she says, ”Is this my stop?”

I almost shit my pants…

4th of July

So 233 years ago on the 4th day of JULY a rag tag group of rebels decided they didn’t want to be under the tyrannous rule of England anymore. They banded together to draft the Declaration of Independence in 1776 and form the perfect Union known as the United States of America. It was our founding fathers who wanted to say “FUCK ENGLAND”.

Now over the years to celebrate the birth of our country we have started several  4th of July traditions. For instance heading to the beach, fireworks on the water and the All-American barbeque!

Now this year while cruising around the California coast on a boat headed to Newport Harbor for the day I was inspired by all the flags waving from the tall mast ships to think of a great way to start my own new tradition to repeat year after year.

So this summer I  found my way to contribute to the 4th of July traditions.

I got head from a British chick!

It’s my own personal way of “Fucking England” right in the mouth!

Happy belated Fourth of July Everybody! Who would like to go sailing next year?

I got a ticket for sliding down the handrails in the subway station at Hollywood/Highland in Los Angeles.  I ride the subway daily and I can’t resist an empty handrail to slide down.

Ever since I was young, only a few things never got old to me.  Pretending to throw a dog a ball and they run every time… never gets old… riding shopping carts in the grocery store… never gets old… finding money in your pocket you didn’t know was there… never gets old… and of course sliding down handrails… never gets old to me!

On this unfortunate day when I slid down the rail, four Metro Cops were standing at the base checking for people’s tickets.  In L.A. you are on the honor system.  No turnstiles, so if they catch you without valid fare it’s up to a $250 fine(ouch).

Now when I ride, I always have my headphones on to avoid silly questions.  So when I thought I was safe as long as I had valid fare there would be nothing to worry about.  I was wrong.  As I walked past the Metro Officers and waved my ticket in the air, one of the cops said, “hey buddy, you can’t slide down the handrails”.  I kept going cause I was enjoying the song “Skin Tight” by The Ohio Players in my shuffle.

When he repeated the saying, I turned around to find out who was yelling at me.  When I stopped, he said it again, “hey buddy, you can’t slide down the handrails in the subway”. Unfortunately, I was standing right next to the sign that says what you can and cannot do in the subway station.  So I make a small misstep and think it would be funny to point at the sign and say, “you should put that on the sign”.  Not the right thing to say in that situation.  The next thing I hear is, “up against the wall”.

I was issued a ticket for violating a city civil code.  I was totally unaware that opening my mouth would land me a date in court.

I had to go to one of the most intimidating buildings in L.A.  The Courthouse downtown on Hill St.

I decide to get there early cause I didn’t want this to take all day.  There was only one guy in line in front of me.  He looked really upset.  Ends up he was there for domestic abuse charges.  He beat up his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.  His story made it seem like the mother-in-law really deserved it.

When I got inside the courthouse, the standard paperwork was given out and then they rolled in the old school AV unit from high school with the TV/VCR combo.  In the video, which was made in the early 90′s, featured an awesome cameo. Judge Lance Ito!

When the first guy stood in front of the Judge, he looked nervous.  The Judge gave him a quick look up and down and then got to it.  “Says here you had another incident”, he says sternly.   “Can you tell me what happened with your mother-in-law?”  “Well, your honor, she hit me wit da schmoove”.  The courtroom goes silent in confusion and the court reporter has an awkward look on her face as she slowly raises her hands away from her stenography.  The Judge kindly asks, “could you repeat that?”

“She hit me wit da schmoove”, he says, exactly the same as he did before.  The Judge is still confused and in my current position on deck I have no idea what’s going on.

The Judge says with authority, “I don’t know what the schmoove is”.

This time the defendant puts his right hand about chest level and starts moving it side to side and says, “she hit me wit da schmoove, you know the thing you schmoove da clothes wit?”.

The Judge finally realizes, “oh you mean the iron?”.

The courtroom tries their best to remain silent to no avail.  The Judge smirks with surprise and quickly releases the guy and tells him to just keep attending his anger management classes and checking in with his parole officer.

He then gets to the biggest criminal in the room, me.

He lifts the ticket off the desk and snickers to himself and glances over to his assistant.  ‘I’ve never seen this before”, he says very sarcastically.  “Well, Mr. Flatley, what did we learn from this?”

I respectfully reply, “I guess i shouldn’t be sliding down handrails in the subway stations”.  He then proceeds.  “It says here you’re 31 years old, are you aware of that?”.

“Yes Your Honor, I am”.

“Well I’m going to throw this ticket out this time, but if I catch you in here again, I’m gonna have to fine you”.  He pauses, “and then I’m gonna have to hit you wit da schmoove”.

I couldn’t hold it in.  I laughed my ass off in the court room along with anyone who was paying attention to the comedy gold that just came out of the mouth of a Judge with 25 years service under his belt!

“Thank you, Your Honor”.