Once upon a time, there was radio. And it was a good thing. Then Vision said to Sound, “You know what would go good with radio? Pictures!” And Television was born. And it was a good thing too.

Then, over time, everything changed. Flash forward to, oh, I don’t know, “Flash Forward,” and guess what? Television had turned into a big piece of dog doo. There was no doubt about it; I smelled something fecal on almost every channel. And it was sad, people. It was really, really sad.

Wait.

I think I might have begun with my ending. Would anyone mind if I started over? No? Great. You’re the bestest bunch of readers ever! Ok, take two:

Hey there, idiot-box lovers…

Wait.

That wasn’t a good start either. I need another mulligan. Third time’s the charm. Here we go.

Hello, Heavy Hitters. I had a very disturbing Labor Day. You see, I watched television, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever enjoy another holiday again.

Yes! That’s the way I do it. Found my stride! Okay, no more interruptions. Enjoy.

My Labor Day grief stemmed from the fact that I watched back to back episodes of Hoarders on A and E. Frankly, it was more painful than you can imagine to watch my fellow human beings live out the consequences of staggering laziness combined with staggering mental illness. Did A and E really have to make it that much worse by airing commercials for their upcoming shows as well? Exactly how much sadness was one man (me) expected to endure?

I mean, look, I liked Tony Danza on Taxi as much as the next guy. Then I ignored him on Who’s The Boss, and like most people, I laughed at him in a different way when he had his talk show. But when Tony Danza himself “took the hint” and dropped out of show business a few years back, how come A and E couldn’t just let it go? How come A and E is turning Tony Danza into a reality star and doing a show about him teaching high school English? Did we learn nothing from Jeff Conaway? There are no good outcomes from reality shows. A best case scenario is that you get to be a punch line again in a Letterman, Leno, or Seacrest monologue (do you hear me, Celebrity Fit Club’s Brian Dunkleman) Taxi was one of the greatest sitcoms of all time (5th on my list), won’t somebody please help an icon help himself?

Listen, it’s easy to sit here and write a column about preposterous TV shows… and that’s why I’m doing it. I’m not looking to be the next Shakespeare. You don’t write stand up comedy routines and spec sitcoms and columns about television if you’re trying to be the next Jonathan Franzen. All I’ve ever wanted to do was to make fun of the jackasses and imbeciles who have the audacity to offer us tripe and advertise it as filet mignon.

My complaint is that it’s just gotten too easy. Horrible shows are begetting horrible shows. I mean, seriously, will the Housewives of (fill in the blank) ever turn a city down? Keeping up with the Kardashians produced a spinoff, and Keeping up with the Kardashians isn’t even a real show! How can it produce a spinoff?

I don’t feel like we’re through the looking glass. I feel like we’ve shattered the looking glass. How can anybody look at themselves in the mirror? Either we make crap or we watch crap. Either way, we’re part of the problem. If you claim to not watch television, you’re either a liar or a snob. How’s that helping?

If this feels like an unfocused rant, maybe that’s for the best. Maybe if I stop filtering my anger and dismay, I can make my point about stuff not being funny by not being funny. It’s not funny. Turning a camera on Tony Danza teaching English is not funny. It’s hysterical, but it’s not funny.

I’m cutting it short this week because I need to step away from the keyboard and vomit.

If you feel shortchanged, scroll down and enjoy one of my previous columns. They’re still fresh because I wrapped ‘em up using one of those vacuum sealing devices that I bought from a Marilu Henner infomercial.

Hello, Heavy Hitters! Today I’m going to hurt some feelings! I don’t really want to, but I have to… because hurt feelings are an unavoidable byproduct of telling the truth.

If you don’t like this experience, please don’t blame me. Instead, blame my fellow columnist, Jason Lacour! You see, Jason practically challenged me to write this column when he complained that too many people lack the fortitude to tell the truth. Then he further inspired me by pointing out that a lot of people get uncomfortable just LISTENING to the truth (by way of proof, he cited audience members who’ve called him an angry person just for telling it like it is).

The way I see it, truth tellers like Jason and myself are engaged in a war with the “liar, liar, pants on fire” people, and I don’t think I could live with myself if I let my brother in arms fight it out alone.

So brace yourselves, people. This is going to sting.

CHOOSING YOUR SHEPHERD

Let me begin by gently hitting you over the head with a pickax.

I’m sick and tired of people condemning priests for molesting little boys. I mean, do you get angry with fish for liking water? Of course not! So why are you getting angry with priests for molesting little boys? That’s what they do. That’s WHY they became priests in the first place!

Be honest. If you were sexually attracted to little boys instead of adult women, wouldn’t you gravitate toward a profession where you weren’t even ALLOWED to marry a woman? Talk about the perfect cover; absolutely nobody is sitting around the Thanksgiving table pestering his unmarried cousin, Father Ernie, about finding the right woman and finally settling down. Cousin Father is already married… to God! That’s frickin’ genius.

As an added bonus, the priesthood offers constant access to, and authority over, a never ending parade of young cock! Don’t blame the priests just because the Catholic Church came up with the perfect job for them.

Instead, why not hand out kudos where kudos are due? Priests are the most pragmatic of all child molesters. They’ve done their homework. Yeah, scoutmasters are accomplished too, but priests consider scoutmasters to be amateurs. How can an occasional unsupervised camping trip compare with daily alter boy access? It can’t. And what about the fact that the kids’ parents tell them to do whatever the priest says lest they damn their souls and go to hell? That’s a “priest only” trump card that the scoutmasters can only drool over!

“Wait a minute, Eric. Are you suggesting that Catholics parents are somehow at fault?”

Of course not. After all, you’ve got to watch out for your offspring’s immortal soul, right? And who would know better about soul preservation than a guy who’s never had a girlfriend in 60 years? That sounds like a pretty wise and well adjusted guidance counselor to me.

If parents really wanted to stop child molestation, they’d WARN their kids that some priests are good and some priests are BAD (with the bad ones being the ones who want to touch your pee pee and/or want you to touch theirs). It’s not overly complicated. Look both ways before you cross the street, don’t play with matches, and immediately report anyone who touches your pee pee. Sadly, most parents are more afraid than their kids when it comes to confronting the church (primarily, I think, because they’re scared of losing the free babysitting).

Whatever.

I actually love and respect most religious people because humanity is better off when we care about our fellow man, but I just can’t help but be like Mr. T and pity the fool who blindly follows any religious “leader.” If you really believe that God gave you your brain, why not use it?

VEGANS AND VEGETARIANS

Most vegans and vegetarians are intellectually dishonest. I say this because if you ask them about why they gave up meat, they’ll spend hours boring you with hundreds of half true facts about why their food is healthier than yours, but they’ll NEVER volunteer the real reason.

The real reason is they don’t like meat. That’s it. You know how some people don’t like the taste of broccoli? Well, they don’t like the taste of meat. I’ve asked dozens of them (who you calling “those people?”) and they all say the same thing, “Oh yeah, I never liked meat.” They just don’t VOLUNTEER this information because it makes them sound less revolutionary and important. But trust me, for them, giving up meat was about as difficult as those boy-loving priests giving up women.

Don’t get me wrong. As a comic, I love vegans and vegetarians. Nothing amuses more than watching some vegan try to combine 17 different kinds of beans and lentils in order to get the same amino acids that I get from half a chicken breast. But you go, girlfriend. Keep adding parsley to everything. I’m sure it’ll eventually add up to the nutrition of my steak sandwich. You’re hilarious.

JAZZ MUSIC

Newsflash — liking jazz does not make you cool!

I’m not saying that it’s UNcool to like jazz, but if you’re 43 years old, wearing a t-shirt with a saying on it, and sitting in an alternative coffee house at three p.m. on a Wednesday, no music on the planet is going to tip the scales in favor of making you cool. In other words, put away the ipod, quit lip scatting, and stop bopping your head. You’re just freaking everybody out!

BEING FAT OR BEING SKINNY

I know this is going to come as a shock, but nobody cares whether you’re fat or skinny. On the other hand, EVERYBODY hates it when you won’t stop talking about it.

Guess what, narcissist, there’s not person on Earth who doesn’t know that if you eat less and exercise more, you’ll weigh whatever you want to weigh. Any other conversation on the subject is just you trying to figure out a way to make 2+2=3.

Eat the cupcake. Don’t eat the cupcake. Nobody gives a crap. Just don’t spend 15 minutes telling me how it’s ok if you eat the cupcake because you’re going to start a jogging regimen tomorrow. Even if I believed you, I wouldn’t care.

And by the way, when you ask us if those pants make you look fat, what we hear is: “Am I fat AND blind or just fat?”

Finally, the only thing more annoying than fat people talking about the difficulty of weight control is skinny people talking about the ease of weight control. If you are a skinny person and you have ever told a fat person that you wish you could put on weight, there is a special cubicle waiting for you in hell. It’s right between a manure factory and a guy watching a Two and a Half Men marathon 24 hours a day (as an added bonus, he’s laughing like a mental patient at every joke).

Alright then, truth lovers, I hope you dug my wisdom. Keep on fighting the good fight and don’t let anyone call you angry just because you hate everything.

Let’s face it, material doesn’t polish itself. So the question arises… when and where should we be working out our new stuff? The answer, I believe, varies dramatically depending on where you stand in the comedy world.

As a new comic (this month marks my two year anniversary), I have enjoyed the relatively unwavering condition of being unwanted. Nobody knows me, and nobody is clamoring to put me in their shows.

This might sound like a complaint, but it’s not. My status (or lack of status) has afforded me the luxury of having plenty of time to work out my material at open mics. Subsequently, on those rare occasions when I do get booked shows, I am usually well prepared. I’m able to perform with a confidence that only comes from having already seen the jokes work onstage. Don’t get me wrong. I still have plenty of potential to bomb, but it won’t be because I’m experimenting in front of a paying audience.

My complaint is… I seem to be in the minority.

Too many times, I’ve seen comics treat paying audiences like they were nothing more than unexpected passersby. The comics may as well be saying, “I don’t care if you paid $10 to park, $10 to get in, and another $20 for two Heinekens, tonight you’re my sounding board. Do you, um, think this idea is funny?”

Maybe I’m being a little too sensitive and ignoring the rule of buyer beware, but my gut tells me that paying customers deserve a better show than that. In fact, I contend that they deserve the best show we can possibly give them. So when a comic takes the stage with nothing but premises and concepts, it just seems wrong.

I’m not saying that I’m not sympathetic to a comic who is having a bad night (where the timing is off or the audience just isn’t connecting), but it strikes me as lazy and disrespectful to make the audience pay to watch you invent your act.

Then I think… maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just too new to see the big picture.

After all, “professional comics” have schedules full of nothing but paid gigs. They wouldn’t have time for open mics even if they were willing to do them, so they have no choice but to use paying audiences as their guinea pigs, right?

Wrong!

Dead frickin’ wrong!

Even professional comics never need to shortchange the audience. Because professionals can always intermingle new bits with tested material, so that the worst thing that can happen is a dip in their set. If a new bit falls flat, they can always follow it with a proven winner.

If you don’t have any proven winners, then you are allowed to test as much material as possible as often as you can until you find some – but only at open mics. You shouldn’t be doing booked shows of any kind until you have at least five minutes of open mic winners.

My God, wouldn’t that be nice?

Now, let’s get back to reality.

Let’s talk about the special responsibilities that come with performing at a bringer (for those of you who don’t know, a bringer is a show where each comic is required to bring a quota of paying friends to be in the audience in order to get stage time).

NEVER VIOLATE THE 80/20 RULE AT A BRINGER!

You got that? If you’re doing a bringer, it’s 80% polished material, minimum. The reason you need to do at least 80% polished material at a bringer is that several of the other comics on your bill are going to do 100% material that sucks. That’s just the nature of bringers.

The AUDIENCE is counting on you. They need YOU to give them the comedy that their friend, who has been onstage exactly three times before tonight, is incapable of providing. Otherwise, they’re going to leave with a vow never to return, and you need them to return. We all need them to return.

Even that horrible comic (who, by the way, brought 20 people to be in YOUR audience) is counting on you. He needs you to provide some solid comedy so that his friends won’t hate him for dragging them to his show. These very friendships and his future happiness may very well be riding on your set. Can’t you see that?

Everyone is counting on you.

Do you really want to add to the misery when you have the potential to be the hero? Seriously, do you? Because I’ve seen bringers where the two or three good comics on an otherwise horrible bill spent their entire time on stage goofing off. I’ve even seen the host and the booker phone it in. I mean, really, what the hell is that? Even Angelo Bowers (who thinks that all things are cool) would say, “That’s not cool.”

I’m not saying that I expect you to kill every time you’re in front of a paying audience. I’m saying that I expect you to TRY to kill every time you’re in front of a paying audience — because if they made the effort to get dressed, drive to the show, and spend good money plus two hours of their lives to see you, you owe them your best effort – every time.

I welcome comments from all comics on this… because I’m not really sure that what I’ve advised in this column is practical, feasible, or even necessary. I mean, maybe things are as good as they can or will get. I will say a couple of things for the bookers of bringers; they seem to do a pretty good job of providing at least one headliner at every show that does satisfy the audience AND they are providing venues for us to do comedy. That’s not nothing. I guess what I really want is for the comics to take more responsibility for their acts. What do you think?

Last week I had an unnerving experience.

I read the Nielsen ratings (for the week of 7/26-8/1) and discovered that I hadn’t watched a single show in the top ten. In fact, I’d only watched one show in the top twenty. As a (sort of) TV critic, I found this to be (sort of) appalling. I mean, who am I to be talking about TV shows if I don’t watch anything that you watch?

“You really care what we watch?”

Truthfully, I’d probably lecture you on the differences between good and bad sitcoms even if I knew you didn’t own a TV (so let’s not pretend that your viewing habits are going to keep me up at night), but that doesn’t mean I don’t know the value of common ground.

And realizing that I’d missed the entire top ten set caused me to panic (sort of): was I really that out of touch?

At first, I struggled to find an excuse. I would have loved to have been able to say that I’d missed the top ten because I’d spent my evenings reading Shakespeare or visiting art galleries, but that just wasn’t the case. I didn’t name my column “The State of Television” for nothing. I watched tons of television that week, but apparently, I didn’t watch what you watched.

“Ok, we got it. You’re out of sync with most viewers. Is that your beef?”

Hardly. My beef is that I’m actually in sync with most viewers. To be more precise, my beef is that I’m way, way, way in sync with most viewers. My beef is that I’m in the majority, the vast majority. Did you hear me? I said vast. Vast!

“You’re not making sense.”

Then allow me to elaborate. The number one show for the week of 7/26 to 8/1 was America’s Got Talent (apparently we have more talent than taste, but that’s a discussion for a different column). Anyway, there are 300 million people in America. So HOW MANY people do you think watched the number one show?

“100 million?”

Ha!

“50 million?”

Dream on.

“25 million?”

You’re not even close.

“What? It can’t be less than 20 million for the number one show in America.”

Um, yes it can.

“15 million?”

Keep going.

“Give me a break! 15 million people would be less than 5% of Americans. Are you telling me that LESS THAN 5% of the people in the country watched the NUMBER ONE show?”

Well, technically, the Nielsens are telling you that. What I said was, “Keep going.”

“10 million?”

Lower.

“Aw, come on. It can’t be lower than 10 million. People who leave their televisions on for their pets should add up to more than that.”

Ok, I’ll end the suspense. The number one show in the country, America’s Got Talent, was watched by just under 9.8 million people. That means that less than 4% of us watched the number one show.

“I guess that’s a little disheartening.”

No. What’s disheartening is that EVERY OTHER SHOW ON TELEVISION got a LOWER rating than that!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m NOT saying that I wished more people watched America’s Got Talent. What I’m saying is that I wish there was a show on the air that more than 4% of the people wanted to watch. I ask you, have we become so fractionalized as a nation that we can’t have a single show that attracts more than 4% of us. 4% is not an audience, it’s a failing report card. If 4% is the rating for the number one show on television, I should change the name of my column from “The State of Television” to “Television, a Modern Day Titanic.”

I know that viewers have more entertainment options than ever, but I also know that everybody has access to CBS, NBC, ABC, and Fox. Between those four networks, there are over 80 prime time programming hours per week. Are you telling me that not one show can be produced that can attract more than 4% of the country?

Poppycock!

It’s time for the networks to reach OUTSIDE the box and find some UNCONNECTED people with talent to produce something good. Jerry Seinfeld was found at a comedy club, and he produced a fairly successful show. How many networks are scouring comedy clubs for talent instead of giving third and fourth shows to executive producers of mediocre sitcoms from the past?

There’s an old expression, “everyone wants an honest leader but an honest leader can’t get elected.”

The same holds true for television shows. Everyone wants to make a good show, but a good show can’t get made. I said, “A GOOD SHOW CAN’T GET MADE…” because you’re using all your resources to make bad shows. Shows today are not made based on merit. Shows today are made based on relationships. Every old guy with great talent who used that talent 40 years ago to make it in show business now has a “100 children and friends” with marginal talent who use their access to clog up the system.

Every hack who wrote for a genius creator now gets to create several mediocre shows of his own before the networks figure out that writing and creating are not necessarily intertwined skills. A well created show can make (just about) any writer look good. The genius is in coming up with Kramer and George in the first place (instead of Zack and Mr. Belding).

My God, if I ran a network I would be humiliated to have a number one show that reached 4% of the potential viewers. I mean, direct mail works 4% of the time. Are you telling me that providers of free entertainment can’t entice more people to patronize their product than the local drycleaner or the guy who comes to your house to vacuum your drapes?

Come on!

I’m not saying that you should give out network deals to every bonehead who posts a video on Funny or Die (talk about unwatchable) but for crying out loud, do SOME homework. I’ll share a secret with you:

AGENTS AND MANAGERS AREN’T GOING TO BRING YOU THE NEXT SEINFELD!!!

Because most agents and managers are part of the problem. Most of them are as poor at evaluating talent as their talent is poor at being talent (by the way, I’m referring to writers, not actors. There are more talented actors in this town than there are projects for them to act in.)

Listen, I’m not saying that the industry is intentionally foisting crap on us. I’m saying that they’re doing the best they can with what they have, but that what they have is mostly an embarrassing lack of taste, talent, and judgment. It’s not even their fault. They simply lack the ability to know or create what’s good.

Never forget, Vincent Van Gogh couldn’t sell a painting in his lifetime. People were buying and selling paintings all around him, but poor Vincent couldn’t get a sniff. Was it because Vincent was a lousy painter? Or could it have been because Vincent’s art dealer was his brother? I’m sure it was the former. Nepotism never fails.

Yes, there are great established writers who deserve more shows. Guys like Aaron Sorkin, David E. Kelly, and Larry David deserve multiple shots. But when you keep handing out shows to the Chuck Lorres and Greg Garcias and Steve Levitans of the world, don’t you realize that you’re shooting for 4%. Can’t you see that?

I know, I know. Who am I? Who am I to insult these giants of the industry?

I’ll tell you who I am. I’m just a guy who knows the difference between shows like Seinfeld, Frasier, and Family Guy and other shows like Two and a Half Men, My Name is Earl, and Just Shoot Me. I’m just a guy who understands that heart is essential but that heart alone isn’t enough. Stories must spring from some semblance of truth, and dialogue must sound like somebody might actually say it, or at least be consistent for the character who is speaking.

Let’s face it, I’m just another nobody. Or… am I actually another Van Gogh waiting for a buyer (wow, did I just compare myself to Vincent Van Gogh. I guess somebody’s ego doesn’t need a boost. Stop it. I’m blushing)? In any case, I don’t have an uncle in the business, so the point is currently moot.

All I am is just another comic with a script and a passion for good writing. On the other hand, I have to plant my flag, right? A great (fictional) agent once said, “Help me help you!” And the way I see it, you can’t let me help if you don’t know that I want to help. And I do, indeed, want to help!

“Help me help you? Really?”

Yeah, I know. It’s a stolen line, but it’s stolen from Cameron Crowe and he IS a good writer. Yay Cameron! Oh, and if you think I’m doing myself more harm than good by insulting showrunners who will “never hire me now,” I’m pretty sure you’re right. But I’m also pretty sure that if I had somehow managed to land a staff writing position on My Name is Earl, I would have been fired after the first day for repeatedly saying, “Um, interesting dialogue Greg, but why would Earl say that?”

Burn bridges before you cross them, heavy hitters. That’s my motto. Now get out there, follow my lead, and have a counterproductive week!

P.S. To all you nitpickers who will object to my using a ratings week from the summer, and will assert that during the fall, the number one show will reach as much as eight percent of the possible audience, I say, “Ooh, 8%, very impressive!” Is that what you’re shooting for? 8%? Come on! You’re making my point for me. Nobody’s watching. Nobody.

P.P.S. A commenter recently referred to me as a bitter loser, and I have to say, it’s refreshing to finally find someone who really gets me.

Here it is, heavy hitters… rapid fire and utterly random:

I love Amy Poehler, but Parks and Recreation is a turd. The next time that show introduces a character with an IQ above 80 will be the first time that show introduces a character with an IQ above 80. I mean, the show is so beneath Amy Poehler’s talent that it makes me want to puke. I still love her from the days when she was saying, “really” and rocking one leg on SNL, but it seems like these days she is most famous for giving birth every five minutes. We get it, you’re fertile, now quit your horrible sitcom and do something worthy. Aaron Sorkin’s recent stint on Entourage suggests he’s ready to grace us with some more good television. Why don’t you ask him to write something for you? While you’re at it, make mention that Aziz Ansari is also too good for P and R, and tell Sorkin that I said he deserves a good show as well.

Can you believe it’s been 50 years since SEINFELD went off the air? At least it feels like 50 years. Thanks for The Marriage Ref, though. Jerry Seinfeld exec producing The Marriage Ref feels like Roger Waters quitting Pink Floyd to spend more time developing The Wiggles.

If you liked My Name is Earl, I have great news. Its creator, Greg Garcia, has a new show coming out this fall! Also, you are an imbecile… because My Name is Earl was a turd. Thank God Jason Lee (who I love) was paroled from that horrible show. Even Parks and Recreation thinks My Name is Earl lacked substance.

Every time Matt Champagne posts something on Facebook, I laugh. Sometimes when Matt Lewis posts something on Facebook, I laugh. But I have never laughed at anything from Matt Lauer. In other words, if people named Matt want to be successful, they need to get serious.

Mel Gibson.

Can I ask a favor of my fellow comics? Can you please give Last Comic Standing a break? Granted, there were no real open auditions, and it sucks that the producers pretended that there were. But where else on network television are relatively unknown comics being given a chance to display their talents in prime time? For God’s sake, if you aren’t talented enough to have an agent or manager get you an audition, you probably aren’t ready to be on the show. Deal with it, and try to land some representation before next season. Also, for the record, I previously called out Craig Robinson for not being funny during the audition process. Now I want to commend him for stepping it up and being very funny at the Alex Theater. Also, I ripped Natasha Leggero for not being qualified to sit next to Andy Kindler and Greg Giraldo as a judge. Well, I stand by that one. If you are less accomplished than the contestants, you shouldn’t be judging them. That being said, I recently saw Natasha do stand up at the Unknown Theater and she was very funny. I am a fan, but still contend that she should have appeared on the show as a contestant instead of as a judge.

Mel Gibson.

HBO has three of the six best comedies on television (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Hung, and Entourage). Fox has the other three (The Simpsons, Family Guy, and The Cleveland Show). So it amuses me no end that CBS, ABC, and NBC still consider themselves to be the big three. I recently went to the cemetery just to listen to Brandon Tartikoff spin in his grave. On an unrelated note, Gary Unmarried is returning this fall for an all new season of wonderful hijinks. Once again CBS, thanks for making Jay Mohr unfunny! I know that Two and a Half Men is the number one rated sitcom in America, but there are 300 million Americans and less than 10 million of them watch your stupid show every week. Being the most watched show on a relatively unwatched medium should not be a source of pride.

By the way, I have written a pilot for the next great sitcom, but by all means, keep giving Greg Garcia more time slots! How can you lose? It shocks me that despite my obvious grasp of sitcoms, not one network has reached out to me. But I guess it’s just another case of, “why mess with success?”

Mel Gibson.

Yeah. That’s the whole joke. Mel Gibson. Think about it. He had it all. It… ALL! But he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Like Michael Richards doing stand up or Woody Allen step-parenting, sometimes the universe seems to conspire to get us out of our element and expose us. I only pray that I’m never invited to participate in a fantasy sports league lest I betray my Al Campanis-like distaste for Eskimos. “I’m not drafting you, my parka’d friend. Babe Ruth didn’t ice fish and you aren’t going to be my third baseman!” Oh, and before I start getting letters from haughty Little League parents in Anchorage, IT’S A JOKE. Some of my best friends are Eskimos. My father’s boyfriend is an Eskimo. Wait. What were we talking about?

Is anybody watching The Kilborn File? Yeah, I know, it’s on at the ridiculous hour of 6:30 P.M. (in Los Angeles). I don’t care. It’s funny. Watch it.

How about LOUIE? Are you guys watching LOUIE on FX? Do I have to do everything myself? If LOUIE gets canceled because you idiots never even tried to watch it, I’m going to be pissed. LOUIE is the seventh best comedy on television (with the previous six listed above). Watch it, you idiots.

Should I be calling my readers idiots? Probably not, but let’s just chalk it up to the fact that I might be kidding. I’m a kidder. That’s what I do. I josh.

Who here can’t wait for Rosie O’Donnell’s return to television on the Oprah network? Wait for it. Waaaaaaaaait for it. Ok, {insert sound effect of chirping crickets and tumbleweed blowing by}. Actually, I kind of like Rosie, but you can’t prove it because I’ve never admitted to it in public, or in a column, or… wait a minute.

Am I the only comic with the balls to say that now that Jay Leno has replaced Conan on the Tonight Show, my TV viewing habits have changed exactly not at all. I still watch the Tonight Show about once a month, same as I have since Johnny Carson retired.

Al Franken on TV, Al Franken in the senate, it just feels like one way or another, Al Franken is always in my peripheral vision. I don’t even know how that’s important. I’m just saying. And before you Al Franken fans start sending me letters, I’ll have you know that my best friend is a life-size cardboard cutout of Al Franken. My brother is dating Al Franken. Wait. What?

Alright, I’m spent. Thanks for letting me rant… and thanks for believing for even half a second that I might be afraid of hate mail from Al Franken fans. In all sincerity, I don’t think I’ve ever made myself laugh harder than when I juxtaposed the words “Al Franken” and “fans.” I’ve been accused of writing this column just for me. Today, I’m guilty.

P.S. And for the record, I AM an Al Franken fan. I still laugh whenever I watch that idiotic SNL sketch of him broadcasting from a transmitter that he’s wearing on his head. But let’s be honest, even Gopher from The Love Boat wonders how Al Franken got elected. Did you hear me? I said Fred Grandy questions Al Franken’s dignity. Seacrest out.