Ladies Duck

Misogyny in comedy. It exists. Some may even argue that it’s prevalent. Sure, it doesn’t parallel gangsta rap, or even old school Country-Western music, but sit through any random open mic and it will eventually surface. Whether it be in the form of an ill-conceived rape joke, a strangled hooker joke, a joke that implies that women are ignorant, or just a passive-aggressive exhibit of blind anger toward the opposite sex- I’ve seen it all in my many months of stand-up. Usually, the comic in question is as comfortable around a vagina as John Wayne Gacy. There is a fine line between taking a “taboo” topic and exposing the absurdity in it and using the stage as a platform to maliciously attack a group of people that you happened to be frustrated with. The latter sounds a little Klan-ish.

Personally, I love women. Almost everything about them. I am by no means a playboy. In fact, I can count the number of women I have slept with on one hand. A hand that has been maimed in a band saw accident, at that. Which baffles me, because I’m hung like a horse. A horse that has also been maimed in a band saw accident. I have a gap in my teeth, so cunnilingus is usually preceded by a half an hour of convincing the girl that her clit will not be in danger. Point being: I’m not deprived, but I’m not immersed either. I think my point of view is rooted in mutual ground.

Furthermore, I’m not completely innocent of pushing the envelope, as far as the subject goes, with my own material. I have a bit where I declare that “I refuse to hit women…unless they’re pregnant. I’m all for child abuse, and I likes to get a head start. I walk around Target, crushing stomachs whack-a-mole style. “Pardon me, Ma’am. Nothing personal. This is between me and the little pretard inside of you.” I’d say about thirty percent of the women I have done this bit in front of look at me like I just took away their right to vote. The rest of the ladies, and most of the men, just chuckle at the absurdity of the premise. I’m not talking about specific jokes. Jokes are harmless. I’m questioning the attitudes and personalities behind the comics that have a visible chip on their shoulder.

I swear, some of the open mics that I have done must have been located next door to a court-ordered anger management class. I don’t like feeling like I have just witnessed a fraternity style gang rape being committed against an imaginary girl. A lot of these angry comics end a typical night by relieving their sexual frustrations into the still-moist sock fresh off of their foot (a surefire way to contract Athletes Cock, by the way) and they use the stage, a stage intended for comedy, to vent about the hand they were dealt in life and what they chose to do with it. If any of these Romeo’s were to go through with the rape that their act revolves around, they would probably pay their victim afterward out of force of habit. When Andy Kauffman wrestled women, it was so bizarre and subversive that it came off as purely entertaining. A far cry from the hostile overtones of an all male open mic. Some bitter, creepy, awkward-vibe producing antagonist with a grudge against the no-financial-strings-attached pussy that has always eluded him is seldom funny or entertaining. This isn’t as much of an issue on the professional level. It’s hard to be main-stream when you alienate half of your potential audience right off the bat. Also, this isn’t an issue that exists solely inside the walls of the comedy club. Society as a whole has a concerning tendency to look the other way when shitty behavior is exhibited; a diminishing concern for human decency, if you will.

Kobe Bryant commits anal rape, but C’mon! He’s the best player in the NBA. Sometimes you have to break in the back door, we understand. Chris Brown goes off on his girlfriend like a startled chimp. Beats, chokes and bites her before dumping her on the side of the road like she was an old sofa. Are women outraged? Probably, but not like they should be. One sixteen year old girl told me that Rhiana had it coming. Dumb bitches still show up in droves to Brown’s concerts and they still support his albums to a fanatic degree. As one enlightened lady put it, “any girl ignorant enough to buy a Chris Brown record deserves to get slapped with it.” Thanks for the line, grandma.

I will never understand our contradicting morals and standards. I cannot help but to let out a long-winded “what the fuck?” (Not WTF. Outrage is too combustible for abbreviation.) If Tiger Woods would have beaten his wife, rather than cheating on her, his character would have been demonized to a much lesser extent and he would be able to come out of hiding and get on with his life already. I’m not going to lose any sleep over the any of this; I just wish that we could all come to a consensus. That we could all agree that what’s right is right, and what’s wrong (i.e. women-beating, non-consensual penetration of any orifice, war, Republicanism, etc.) is wrong.