Conan & Jay

Pun perfected. I wouldn’t normally say this about a privileged wonder(bread) kid that has spent the better part of the last two decades raking in gross amounts of money in a dream job setting, but Conan O’Brien deserves better. Better than a beaten up, out of touch, spineless banality factory of a network. NBC, which apparently stands for Never Be Comical, is abandoning all faith in a performer that has performed consistently excellent year in and year out. The Peacock is in last place, and they are exerting the type of attitude that might lead one to believe that that’s right where they should stand. Shit belongs in the sewer, if I recall the popular nursery rhyme correctly. When you strategically produce mediocrity in favor of an alternative that is purely and undoubtedly better, when you operate under that type of ass-backwards mentality, you cannot expect extraordinary results.

In the family of Tonight Show hosts, integrity must skip a generation. If Johnny Carson lacked charisma and relevance, and had been asked to step down “early”, I confidently speculate that he would have taken a gracious bow in lieu of lurking in the shadows of Prime-time like a crazed jackal. We’ve all heard the story of Jay Leno hiding in the board room closet, eavesdropping while NBC executives discussed the fate of the show. Almost twenty years later, and Jay is still in that closet. With all due respect to Mr. Leno, he is resembling less a seasoned stand-up comedy veteran and more an attention starved, network poster-manchild Mongoloid that houses an extra chromosome in his abnormal chin. Nevermind the fact that Jay has all but buried the very platform that he built his career with, essentially cutting the rope that he climbed to the top with; but the man just isn’t very funny anymore. He’s like what Bob Sagget would be if Bob had completely said “fuck it.”

For years, I would reluctantly catch snippets of Leno pandering to his vanilla audience while awaiting a more honest comedic effort in O’Brien. When the planned switch was announced in 2004, I was elated to see someone genuinely talented being awarded for all the right reasons. The time came and all seemed right. Conan’s Tonight Show was the double shot of Listerene that I needed to get the bad taste of Leno’s Tonight Show out my mouth. Five years and seven months of being mislead to the notion that the World was going to make sense. A hope that has been aborted by what has unfolded over the last couple of weeks. The ratings are in. It’s official. Up will be down, once again. I admire Conan for refusing to move the Tonight Show into a morning time slot. He seems to care more about NBC’s history than NBC does.

Conan will be out of the picture and Jay Leno will swoop in to transform the Tonight Show into the Good Night Show. A fitting metaphor, considering the age demographic that comprises Leno’s core audience. Older, calmer, less-impulsive, set in their way, less likely to be responsive to new advertising. Got to keep a group like that appeased. Not only is it an issue of pissing off the kids that buy the shit that is being peddled, effectively losing the respect of a new generation, but I notice that the smarter audience tends to be down with CoCo. His line of humor is very much appreciated within the alternative comedy scene. A more likely Leno viewer is a guy that doesn’t like to reach too far for his punch lines; or an overbearing housewife, with too much pent up energy, that laughs and makes annoying facial expressions every time she is even remotely kidding. You know the type. The “I’m just trying to keep shit off of my mind” type.

The Jay Leno Show didn’t fail because it wasn’t right for Primetime. It failed because it wasn’t right. It was uninspired. I dare you to watch it without once rolling your eyes. Jay’s going through creative menopause. His comedy eggs are drying up. The very idea of having respected professionals earn their plug is a pretentious idea that puts Jay and his show on some undeserved pedestal. The very idea that a guy that screwed David Letterman coming and Conan O’Brien going wants anyone to “earn” anything is suspect, to say the least. The main reason that Leno scores better numbers than Conan is pretty cut and dry. In a society where mediocrity is exalted, there are simply more people content with Leno’s C game than there are purists who desire a more deeply-layered talent like O’Brien. America is pumped so full of vapid horseshit that passes for entertainment, many people begin to prefer it. Further evidence that we are in a constant state of arrested development: Arrested Development was cancelled. Cleared out to make room for such programming as Are You Smarter Than a Cheese Grater? David Cross, no. Jeff Foxworth, yes. That is what the majority of the viewing audience wants. When, if ever, is the majority right about anything?

Anything that challenges the intelligence of the double digit I.Q. median that stays glued to the tube is feverishly swept under the rug. Meanwhile, a bi-polar teenager with wig lice and her dullard daddy pimp our youth with substandard, watered-down pop music and a television show that is “good for kids.” Just because a program is devoid of colorful language and hooker spit, doesn’t automatically make it good for kids. It just ensures that a new generation will pass down paralyzed standards to their shallow children.

So, that’s all that’s at stake here. The future quality of our art and entertainment. That’s all. NBC, the good folks that told us that Norm MacDonald isn’t funny (a claim made by Dickless Ebersol and backed by the network), will ring the last few years out of their comedy workhorse until any alternative with a credibility factor removes themselves from the equation. I’m sure big name talent will be bursting through the doors down at NBC Universal now that everyone has witnessed how team players are treated. The integrity of a storied franchise will be compromised for the sake of one man’s inflamed ego. So it will be. If all this is indicative of how things are going to be at NBC, then their immediate future is looking pretty bleak. On the other hand, the rainbow after the storm might prove to be worth all of this trouble. In the wake of such an onslaught of bullshit, it’s good to see it have the right effect on people. The outcry of support for the good guy is reassuring. So often, mediocrity triumphs quality and it goes virtually unnoticed. Maybe The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien will serve as a martyr, perhaps it will not die in vain after all. Conan may end up with a product that is truly his own. He might take over Letterman’s spot in 2012 and make things interesting for all of us. Any business that would screw a good man so blatantly, doesn’t deserve good people in the first place. I cannot think of any puns that involve NBC and First Place.